jim's life

I wouldn't know how mundane my army life would be if it wasn't for them. I thank you all, for all the inside jokes, the late nights at rooftop, the prayer meetings late into the night, the impromptu starbucks sessions, the jamming, the singing, the memes in whatsapp, our snobbing around. We have come a long long way, and I appreciate and love you all really :'). And jiaern, my blog has a picture! :O

( Tuesday, May 29, 2012 12:25 AM )

It's been more than a week since I last sat down, reflected and wrote. It's time for some updates.

Transitions. Everyone goes through transitions; tomorrow the men are going home to their camp, and us, back to where we belong, and back to where we chill, and hang out. I like how there's an adrenalin rush, a feeling of change, of moving forward, when one goes through transitions. But definitely, it's gonna be more tiring, and of course, no one in their right mind looks forward to initiation. I'm happy when I see them happy; but I'm angry to see them angry and frustrated. it's like they're my kids, although one of them is alrdy 22 years old heh.

The time here in 2SIR has been pretty much an eye-opener. We have done nothing much in conducting lessons and PT, and neither in guard duty or COS, but yeah, we have full control of the men's welfare and training. The tempo is definitely way too fast if we were to conduct everything ourselves, but oh well, they learnt what they needed to learn from here. I think it's time to move on, to what we are supposed to do, and to our own pace and style of training. 2SIR has some pretty good SOPs, especially the whiteboard training idea. We should bring some back, but that's kinda shooting ourselves in the foot, for the specs to just work harder. Yup, specs can fully run a battalion. Senior specs guiding the junior specs, and the junior taking full charge of the men under them, keeping a tight leash on every single thing they do. They have short and straight to the point co-ords, and everyone knows their job, and does it.

Command style: I established mine. I'm the nicest guy, but the nicest guy who will become the baddest guy if their performance drops. I don't like to compare with the others, but I think they're still trying to grapple with the responsibility and power. I darenot say I am the best, but I'm happy with the standard they give me. A little punishment here and there sets them right, unlike 1coy. I think I need some goalsetting for myself and for them as well. What's next for them? What's next for me? What kind of goals to set for my men? What kind of soldiers do I want them to be? How am I gonna do when I ORD?

( Monday, May 21, 2012 4:01 PM )

Moments. The moment of impact. The moment of impact proves potential for change. Has ripples effects far beyond what we can predict. Sending some particles crashing together. Making them closer than before. While sending others spinning off into great ventures. Landing them where you've never thought you've found them.

The Vow was tear-jerkingly good. True words written in such a heart melting and heartwarming way can accomplish so much. Sometimes language can be so undervalued. I want to write. Write for things that I am passionate about. Because I know that I have the ability to write powerful things, but it only comes so very rarely. And because there are so little things that I am passionate about.

I love my blog, but sometimes when I read my own words that I write, one can only feel sorry, disappointed and a sense of shame. The story isn't spectacular and beautiful, but is fraught and weighed down with many down-to-earth issues over and over and over again. But I still want my story to be special, to be told, not for my own personal success or fame, but because one day I hope my story will help someone make sense of their own.

( Saturday, May 12, 2012 1:02 PM )

It's been 4 weeks. We 6 have discovered our own individual command styles. And need I say, we are all very different. But more importantly, I think I must stop myself from enforcing my own style on the rest. Alright jim, there's no right or wrong style.

I think I'm the most lenient to them. And I think even I am starting to slack off. It's hard to set a high standard for men if I'm a notch behind the rest.

And now I know I'm behind the rest in pecking order. Sitting beside ss today made me realise that even I, have to take instructions from him. There's still gonna be the 2SG, the SSG, the 2LT, the MSG, the CPT on top. I have say, but much less than I thought. Maybe right now, I feel the sandwich pressure. But then again, I think I'm holding back, and not contributing enough to them.

( Wednesday, May 09, 2012 10:32 PM )

It sucks pretty bad every friday night/sunday night. The transition is more painful than the events in itself. I don't really know how to handle the 2 very different environments and personalities I take on. Work is work, I do my best, I give my best to train and to lead. But play is play. I don't get enough of play to be satisfied. And what kind of play? Is it self-centred and selfish play? Or is it seemingly play, but actually work? Or do I have to put up a front, pretend not to be tired, pretend to be alright, pretend to be giving, contributing and all? I exit the weekend feeling tired and worn out. But still, what happened? We all have needs. But I think I carried it back with me.

Maybe it's true. It's about something in the spiritual realm.

( Sunday, May 06, 2012 10:25 PM )

I crafted a lengthy, angsty email against the 28/12 split and sent it to the boss, the ex boss and the csm. I was reluctant to send, but I was fuelled by the men's disappointment. I saw the teary-eyed faces, and remembered the genuine pleas to keep everyone together and intact, and of course, I put myself on the line to protect them. The last thing I remembered was how I should act as a junior comd. And my freaking small role in bsc. Well valid point sure, we do not see the back end work. That was mistake 1. We are on the ground instead. We get frustrated when things don't move, and then we blame the back-office. I admit it was wrong on our part to not know the full-story, but nevertheless we also do know that things weren't moving well. So I pulled all of myself together, and pressed the 'send' button, before I could stop myself. I told myself that's the best we can do to protect the men, and not let our platoon get picked apart. Maybe the boss fought valiantly for us, but I hardly think so. Send emails? Yes. Bang table? Probably not. Not everyone would put their career on the line and bang table over the future of 12 guys. Hardly anyone would. We should be building bridges, not destroying them.

We got confused between the information fed to us from both sides. And somewhat, I could hardly believe what sean was saying sometimes. He got confused, and likewise made us confused. And I'm sincerely hoping that I was on the same page as the 5 others. I was pretty wrong to assume that. But I think they pretty much supported me. But no one wanted to protect the men in the same capacity as me. They just supported the email. That was mistake 2.

But in my defense, that few paragraphs got things moving. We got what we wanted. I know I did my best for the men. That's a plus point for me. But the men will never know. But search the bottom of my heart, I know I did the right thing.

So God, help me face the world tomorrow. And put the right words on my lips. I myself don't wanna burn any bridges with anyone.

( Thursday, May 03, 2012 10:51 PM )

I was hungry and you formed a humanities club to discuss my hunger.
I was imprisoned and you crept off quietly to your chapel to pray for my release.
I was naked and in your mind you debated the morality of my appearance.
I was sick and you knelt and thanked God for your health.
I was homeless and you preached to me of the shelter of the love of God.
I was lonely and you left me alone to pray for me.

You seem so holy, so close to God; but I'm still very hungry, lonely, cold, and still in pain.

Does it matter?

( Sunday, April 29, 2012 12:45 PM )

Okay. Men is awesome. I for once enjoyed leadership. Finally I have my own men, men that I have a real sense of ownership to. Men who will listen to me, be disciplined by me, and will follow me. These are guys who will cover each other's backs during crunchtimes. These are guys who I protect, and these are the guys who will get the job done for me. But with all the privilege of leading comes a lot of responsibility as well. Taking care of their health, their training, their learning, their drills and skills.

It is days like this when I'm happy to be a specialist. To be on the ground, and being an influence to impact their lives. Thank you God for giving me this chance.

( Tuesday, April 24, 2012 11:01 PM )

It's the first day of ait. It got off on a very bad start: 5 hours of interrupted scratchy itchy sleep, wrong direction otw there, feeling queasy over last night's chalet, unsure about anything's that happening later, unsure about things in church, unsure about my own direction for the next few weeks and next few months, church camp. But I'm still pretty calm so far.

God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start. Ps 18:20 MSG Bible

( Friday, April 20, 2012 10:58 PM )

i told myself that, during this one week of post-taiwan and pre-ait, i needed to get some thinking and reflection done. i think i've done a pretty good job of slacking off, doing nothing and just wasting my time away the past 3 days. now, it's time to do something fruitful.

my life's like a waffle. there are little boxes, and every box is separated by a little crispy wall. the boxes are all labelled: 2nd coy, cell group, family, beliebers, blackberry, west zone, God, church services, lightings, worship, core group, bsc, 6 generals, 4e, sc6, gg gang, the list goes on. at this point of time, all the boxes have come to a standstill. literally. and now im starting to panic. what if everything stops. i get left behind. the world moves on. i dont really care about any of this or that; nothing really affects me. another person leaving church? another fight in camp? you had another one night stand? another person passed away? you splurged another 500 bucks? there's gonna be a major reshuffle with the zones and ministries? you met an amazing new girl/guy? got lost in the jungle? doesnt matter to me. everyone has their 'moment'. if im involved in it or am affected by it, good. but if not, what matters? all of it affects you. it doesnt affect me.

i tell everyone around me ecclesiastes 1:2 in a joking manner, but somehow it's being real to me now.

i haven't felt anything in a long time. no joy, no sadness, no grief, no jealousy, no insecurity, no pride. just none of it. or maybe i have bottled it in, and one day it'll explode like a fireworks factory. there are so much lesser things/people that i love. no more jo, no more soccer, no more alevels, no more crazy girl friends to hang out with, no more buddies to share the adrenalin and testosterone. no more lights to play with. and suddenly life becomes so much more boring and meaningless. there's nothing to look forward to other than Oscar Romeo Delta. and then caleb talked to me about extending my ord for another 6 months, and then im starting to have second thoughts. what about my uni finances and living expenses? can i still keep up the same level of spending as now? probably not. this state of nothingness is taking a toll on me. is it supposed to be like that? or did i make a wrong turn somewhere a few weeks back? or have i not searched deeper into meself? maybe deep down i do care, but it has taken a backseat in army life. maybe deep down i care, but there's just something that stops it from coming forth out of my life. afraid? disappointed? discouraged? bitter? naww. what did i do back then in my crazy jc and secondary school days? or were they equally meaningless and fruitless too? probably were, but in a long-term way. at least i had short-term things to look forward to then. the next soccer match, the next hangout place, the next lightings state, but no, all that doesnt exist anymore. should i go find and search for it? or i should just wait till it comes?

there's this whole chapter of my life entitled army that i dont want to open. the spike, the AIT, the admin arrangements, the men, the intensity, the PCs, the new OC, the living conditions. yes i admit it, it's denial. but i will face it when it comes. the intensity and load of it all is pretty unbearable to think of now. the many more times i have to camo on, and encourage my men, and navigate, and most of all ,the moral courage to discipline them. my hands and feet are heavy, im barely capable to lift them to work. and right here right now, i close it again. "NEXT"

i have a peer group. the 5 of us are so different in our own way, yet that is what makes it all so much more precious. and there is a glue that holds us together. and they tell me that the glue is my presence. hard to believe, until the glue's gone to kaohshiung to eat and shop. will it be any different after i ORD? will it be different when i enter uni? will we all still be here in the same church? in the same ministry, with the same groups of people?

and lastly, a question that's been bugging me non-stop. should i stay hall for my first year in NTU?

( Wednesday, April 11, 2012 7:48 PM )

something's not right.

( Friday, April 06, 2012 12:51 AM )

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33

All our troubles and all our tears
God our hope He has overcome
All our failure and all our fears
God our love He has overcome
All our heartache and all our pain
God our healer He has overcome
All our burdens and all our shame
God our freedom He has overcome

All our troubles and all our tears
God our hope He has overcome
All our failures and all our fear
God our love He has overcome
God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom
He has overcome
God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us
He has overcome

( Thursday, April 05, 2012 11:10 AM )

I have been feeling a little weird recently. Maybe it's army or maybe it's just a phase I'm going through. Normally I'm pursuing something: a friendship, relationship, a clique, something new, some achievement, a goal, a destination, a rank, a satisfaction. But lately this phase, it's been more and more like: I have no direction, going through the motions, being subconsciously/purposely ignorant of anything happening around me. I have nothing closeby to look forward to. My schedule ahead is full of things that I just want to get it over and done with. The next 3 weeks of mountain-climbing and insect-feeding, the following 2 weeks of post-admin, the following 6 weeks in 2SIR doing things that I don't wanna do, the next 5 weeks of self-planned slaps in our own face, and whatever comes after that. I wanna accomplish something. I wanna make a difference, not waste away my life in army.

Maybe I'm withdrawing, maybe I'm maturing. I read something this week, that at this age of our late teens, we have revelations of everyday things everyday, about life, and its going-ons. And we feel the need to share it with the world. "Listen to my very different opinion!" "Here here, I had a revelation about life and work." But everyone else is going through the exact same phase. We self-discover, and discover the unlimited number of things that we can actually do; we explore boundaries that we couldn't explore because of our parent's restrictions. Then what?

We have the ability to make choices. We can choose the 100% white; we can choose the 100% black. But that's rarely the case. Most of the time we compromise for something in between. We choose the 'buts', the 'only ifs', the 'I had no choice', the 'I'm really busy', the 'I'm tired', the 'it was just not meant to be'. We give ourselves excuses, we start but we don't finish, we get distracted by other pursuits, we become lazy. And then decision by decision, choice by choice, we go where our choices take us. Be it good, bad, ugly, genuine, fake, our choices shape who we are. That's how we become so diverse as a humankind. We have that freedom and ability to choose from a wide variety of choices. And then life suddenly seems so open infront of me. And that's where people start to screw up, be it ever so slightly. There's the analogy told that if a plane travels just one degree off, in 1 hour it can be 40km off-track already. There are people who never knew the difference between the good and the bad, so they chose bad by default, then there are the people who by default choose good, but get tempted by the bad and fall away eventually, people who intentionally choose bad over good, people who are misled into thinking bad=good. Then there are those who just sit on the fence for their entire lives, thinking its the best and most balanced choice with the "best of both worlds". Which category do you fall under? And then, what's next? Should I/you make a change, and choose the good? Are we willing?

"Sometimes we get so caught up by what happened yesterday, and we are so focused on what's going to happen, that we miss the moment we are in."

( Saturday, March 17, 2012 7:48 PM )

i found this on cracked.com and i found it extremely inspiring, minus the dickjokes.

5 Reasons why Today isn't Gonna Suck

#5. You're One Step Closer to the Finish Line

You want something -- what is it? To write a book? Find a relationship? Spin kick a dude's eyebrows off?

Now ask yourself what you've done today to get yourself closer to that goal. You want a new car? Fine, what have you done today to earn the extra money? Have you worked extra hours? Put out applications for another part-time job? Asked for a raise? Sold a kidney?

It's the same for anything. Take losing weight, for example. I know tons of people who get so caught up in the idea of losing weight, they never actually make it to the "work your ass off" stage. Instead, they spend countless hours researching the right type of exercise equipment, diets and exercise regimens. And in that first week, they've yet to do a single situp or even take that first step of burning down their Twinkie shed.

I get questions from budding writers all the time asking me how to get published. When I ask how much they've written, I usually get the same answer: "Well, I don't have anything down on paper yet, but I have this idea that I think is pretty good." Now, I'm not going to pretend I know anything about the publishing industry besides what I've talked about with David Wong and learned about his experiences. But I do know this much: In order to get published, you're going to need an actual book.

Instead, they get stuck wondering about the correct way to contact a publisher and worrying about whether or not they should hire an agent. They spend weeks learning the correct format, font type and size. They practice the wacky entrance they'll use on their Conan O'Brien appearance. And they still have yet to type a solitary sentence of content.

That's what today is for, and why it's going to suck so much less when you put the planning and organization on hold and actually do something that gets you closer to achieving that goal. Are you wanting to move up in your career? Awesome. Make an appointment to sit down with your boss and let her know your intentions. Ask her for feedback. Want to lose 30 pounds? That's great, stop right now and do 10 situps.

Focusing on how long it's going to take to type 80,000 words or see a visual difference in your body or save up for a down payment ... it becomes so easy to just keep putting it off or to give up altogether. That planning stage is brutal, and if you let yourself linger in that perpetual procrastination, your dreams are just going to stay dreams. The world is full of people with good intentions, but I've yet to encounter a bill collector who let me slide, explaining to their boss, "Well, his heart is in the right place." No, they didn't let me off the hook until I started doing things that moved me up the ladder and brought in the money to pay them.

And when your day winds down and you look back on what you've actually accomplished, I promise you that the suck level will drop several notches. The key is, that has to happen today. The reason is because ...

#4. Small Chunks Are Easy to Swallow

It is infinitely easier to envision yourself conquering a single day than an entire lifetime. We know when days begin and end because we've experienced thousands of them. The same isn't true with the latter, so we have to take astronomical leaps of imagination to understand the concept. It's why so many 12-step programs tell addicts to "just quit for today." Then repeat that action tomorrow. Thinking about doing anything for the rest of your life is too daunting and unrealistic, and that makes it incredibly easy to just give up.

I've worked some pretty shitty jobs in my life, and one of the best ways I found to get through them (besides rubbing my balls on all the coffee mugs) was to divide it into quarters. You start at 8 a.m. and bust out as much work as you can. When 10 a.m. rolls around, you file that section away. "Oh, awesome. I'm already through the first quarter of work. Lunch will be coming up soon, and I'll be able to re-nut the mugs." It may sound simple and even a little ridiculous, but I'm telling you, when you dread even walking through those front doors, the thought of spending eight hours in that shithole is like spiritual constipation. But smaller, two-hour bursts -- even though it's the same amount of time, overall -- are so much easier to handle. Your day is going to suck a whole lot less if you can use little ways like this to whittle away the dread.

Don't think it's all about getting past the bad parts, though. One of the symptoms of success, especially in a career, is that more and more people demand your time, and you will reach a point where budgeting that time is more important than budgeting your bills. Getting used to the idea that a day isn't very long is critically important, because it strikes a sense of urgency to get shit done.

It's also not about being so busy that you worry yourself into an ulcer. There's something to be said about "stopping to smell the roses," but when you're making steady progress in your goals, even doing that is something that has to be scheduled and squeezed in, because "Oh, fuck, the day is winding down, and I still have all this shit to do. Maybe I can bump rose-smelling to after lunch." That's a good thing. It tells you that you're on the right track.

Those smaller chunks are what prevent the day from becoming overwhelming. If I get up in the morning and think about all the things that have to be finished before I go to bed, my brain would lock up, because it doesn't seem like there's any possible way to make it work. Believe me, it's going to suck a whole lot less if you can stop, take a breath and say, "OK, this first project should take about two hours. Go. Now." Then at the end of the day, it comes full circle when you can be proud of the things you've accomplished. Fuck smelling the roses. I'd rather plant them.

#3. It's Not as Bad as You Think

Let me make this perfectly clear right off the bat: One of the things that will make me instantly want to choke a person is when they counter one of your problems with "It could be worse." It's such a dismissive, shallow, dumbass thing to say. Of course it could be worse. I could have woken up being teabagged by Carrot Top while Nickelback pissed on my children.

"It's not as bad as you think" is completely different. Think back to the last dozen times you've listened to a friend vent about their shitty day. Remember how upset they were? They were so close to their breaking point that you were sure even the most minor setback would be the trigger that made them shit into a pillowcase and storm into the office, swinging it at people like a morning star.

But to you, everything they're describing sounds so insignificant. "First, I had to deal with this customer who was just a total prick. After five minutes, my boss finally took over and sent me to the back. Then I tried to print out the sales report, but the toner was out. Then a moose broke into the break room and licked all the butter off of my toast."

I've seen my fiancee come home from work on the verge of tears because of days like this. With the exception of legitimate, life-changing emergencies, almost every bad thing you encounter is based entirely on your perception of it. The asshole customer put you in a bad mood. So now the toner problem seems twice as bad because you're going into that problem still coping with the last one. Every minor thing you encounter after that gets exponentially larger until you feel like you're going to snap -- even though in reality all of those things are easily solvable or simply swept under the rug.

When everything starts to snowball like this, it's easy to slip into a full-on depression. By its very nature, that depression is what distorts your perception of the events in the first place, and it's incredibly easy to get buried under the stress of a thousand little things that would otherwise mean nothing to you.

An incredibly helpful thing to do when you find yourself in one of those snowballing days is ask yourself, "Will I remember this in 10 years?" Unless it's something huge, like a family member dying or getting fired or accidentally crippling someone with your enormous penis, then chances are you're not. In fact, you're going to find that you're not going to remember most of this stuff by the end of the week because it's not important enough for your brain to hang on to.

It's why when you wake up the next morning, it all seems kind of silly. Time creates separation, and that separation means everything when you're in the heat of a breakdown, which is why your boss sent you to the back instead of letting you continue speaking with that dickhead. It's why it's easier to apologize for an argument after you've slept on it -- and why the phrase "I don't even remember why we were arguing in the first place" has become such a cliche. It's because the content wasn't important enough to remember. You were just a victim of escalation.

Though to be honest, you were probably arguing because you're a piece of shit.

#2. The Bad Stuff Has a Payoff

I talk a lot about the brutal circumstances I grew up with, and one of the more common questions I get from readers is "What would you change if you could go back?" Truthfully, I wouldn't change a single thing because, as horrifying as it was, it all led me to where I'm at right now. Take away the addictions, and my writing gets rooted in something else entirely. Take away the past abuse and poverty, and I lose my reason for writing at all. I once spent a few days homeless in the middle of January, which led me to my current town and the eventual births of my three children. If I had never attended the ritual that night, I'd have never acquired this enormous penis.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm not preaching fate. There's nothing mystical or supernatural about the idea that the most seemingly insignificant event can completely change the direction of a person's life. Every bad thing I've been through has taught me something, from the simple "fire hot -- no touch fire" to the complexities of relationships and finances.

It turns out that the positive reinforcements of life don't work nearly as well as the negative. For instance, getting a raise at work is awesome. For the first couple of weeks after you get that pay bump, you're in an awesome mood, and you work your ass off because of it. But eventually, the excitement wears off, and that pay scale becomes normal to you. That's what promotes growth ... the idea that there's always something better than where you currently are.However, add in the threat of being fired, and suddenly the motivation for you to continue your hard work is kicked into overdrive. Spikes in the pit can make you climb a ladder much faster than gold in the sky.

I'm not expecting you to do back flips in celebration every time something bad happens. If you're doing that, there's something severely wrong with you ... or you're Andrew W.K. But you'd be a fool to just blow it off and try to forget about it. When someone throws a punch at your head, you learn to duck. What you don't do is take the punch and then immediately forget that the person is still there, winding up for another one.

Trust me, there is value in that pain that you will find nowhere else in life. You will experience more tangible growth from a car fire than you ever will from being given a new car. But the main reason your day isn't going to suck is because ...

#1. You're Going to Make It Not Suck

Photos.com

Have you ever gone to a fast food drive-through and been met with some jackoff who's obviously working there part time because his parents made him? He's such an unbelievable douche, and the only reason you don't report him is because you're running short on time. So you speed off, and now your morning is shot as you weave through traffic, mumbling under your breath about what you'd do to that cockhole if you ever caught him out in the real world. He's lucky your throwing stars were at the polish shop today.

Not many of us give much thought to someone else's bad day. We think, "I don't care about your personal problems. You're working a job that deals with the public, and if you can't handle that, you need to be fired!" It never dawns on us that he may have been called in on his day off after four hours of sleep. Or that maybe his dog died, and the manager could give a shit less because "Dogs aren't family. Get in here or find another job." And 700 days of spotless service mean nothing compared to that 20 seconds of completely justifiable weakness.

Now, consider this: The very next person to talk to you (while you're in that mood) is going to think the same exact thing about you. They weren't there to witness the circumstances behind your bad mood. They just see an insufferable prick being rude for no reason. Guess what's going to happen with the rest of their interactions today?

You have to be the link that closes the end of that chain, because nobody else is going to step up and be the adult. You have to be the badass who grits his teeth and says, "Shit happens. I'm not going to let it get to me. I have too much to do to let something insignificant like that wreck the rest of my day." And then fly off into the horizon, fighting robots by shooting bald eagles out of your fists, because at that point, you totally deserve to.

It is not the world's duty to make your day better. That is totally on your shoulders -- to understand how and why you react a certain way to certain stimuli and recognize where you need to make changes and adjustments. Are you man enough to make those changes? Sorry, I don't mean to sound like I'm addressing just the men here. Ladies, are you man enough to make those changes?

Today is going to suck a whole lot less if you are.

( Monday, March 12, 2012 10:03 AM )

There's so many things.

I don't know how I'm going to unleash my 3SG fire on the 16th of april when I physically see my men. I don't know how the 6 of us are gonna split, who's gonna arrowed to be the PS, who's gonna be the next dual sect-comd, what kind of attitude our men's gonna have. I really don't know; AIT, course-time, being a commander, gaining respect of the men, and how the rest of my ns experience gonna be like. The realisation hit me this week: our lull period is coming to an end. It's time to get to work. But what's next for me?

And everything else in church, the zone, the internal conflicts, unresolved unhappiness, my own cell group, the people I have to work with, whom no one likes to work with, the totally gothroughmotions kind of meetings and trainings. I've lost the sense of it. There's only 3 of us left from the same west zone from long ago.

And on a lighter note, ny dad suddenly gave me the green light to start looking for a girlfriend. Wow what a change.

God, just keep me sane. I'm afraid I will explode/implode/change/leave. Guide me every single day, in every little thing.

( Tuesday, March 06, 2012 10:52 PM )

There's so much of that I wanna do.

But I'm still neither here nor there. Just somewhere in between.

( Saturday, March 03, 2012 1:36 PM )

Today is one of those crazy days.

After hearing all my bunkmates chat for the past half an hour, I think to myself, what have I been doing the past few months? Am I a good or bad influence? After hearing case studies of i-know-who-but-you-dont-know-who in church, will I really go down that path? I don't wanna go that way, but I don't wanna take the direct opposite either, being way too down-to-earth and practical. I still want to pursue that dream/ideal/perfection.

Soooo... What today? Will it be different?

( Wednesday, February 29, 2012 7:23 AM )

dudeee, its time to move on.

forget it.

i had 3 very personal surprises this week, in a very unsurprising and unspecial week. i got surprised by my dream, by my own behaviour, and by 2 friends.

i got forgotten, i went unappreciated, i got insulted, i got undermined, i got scolded for nothing, i tried my best, i got the double cold shoulder treatment, i fell so far down, i took so many steps back, i got psychoed back and forth so many times today.

yet i dont know what keeps me going and what's keeping this engine from breaking down. maybe it's hidden deep inside, maybe it's really isn't there anymore.

"whoever refreshes others will be refreshed" : the only promise to hold on to.

( Saturday, February 25, 2012 12:26 AM )

Weird dream last night.

Weird 1: I dreamt of you last night.
Weird 2: I dreamt that you were pregnant.
Weird 3: I dreamt that you were pregnant with our baby.
Weird 4: I dreamt of that with faz and keegan sleeping over.
Weird 5: It was crystal clear when I woke up.

Soooo......was it supposed to mean something?

( Thursday, February 23, 2012 12:20 PM )

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank, the looks. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

( Friday, February 17, 2012 9:50 PM )

Today is 15 febuary. Post valentine's day.

Less of the roses, flowers, cards, notes, chocolates and candies, and more of actually loving the person.

Sooooo, valentine's this year was waay different. Everyone had their 'valentine moment', and I stood by the side and watch it happen.

( Wednesday, February 15, 2012 7:51 AM )

this aint a good sign.

( Tuesday, February 14, 2012 5:46 PM )

I think my life is getting somewhat more organised. Every week booking into camp, booking out to a super hectic weekend; there's so many things to settle in camp, past projects and taskings being brought forward, high noon stuff, everyday new taskings, working with people, higher-ups and lower down below. I've somewhat made my BSC office and bunk as homely and friendly as possible for me to work in, but alas, I think I've reached the dreaded part of my nsf life: the 'middle part'. This week I became a second year soldier, and come to think of it, I've come really far since then.

This week I spent my whole weekend in church. I confuse myself sometimes, with who I am, and what are the so-called real issues I'm facing. Either I'm ignoring all of them, have too good a life, or I just plain don't know what that 'struggle' is. Everytime they ask me to 'share' about something, I feel like I'm cooking up something old, recycled or cliche or superficial or exaggerated or plain made-up. They say there's definitely something, I just have to think deeper into my life. But what for? Why do I have to let false sorrows take over godly joy, when depression and condemnation were one of my strongest struggles? I say NO, I don't want to let the joy and gladness leave. I've been through so much angst, hatred, self-condemnation, blame games, that I refuse to let guilt take over.

I think christians today need to experience joy. Joy is your best testimony. No person in the world experiences joy in the darkest and worst times, but only Christians have the power to do so. And that's the difference.

I know we do face real issues sometimes. Dealing with it has its place. Joy and sorrow and grief all has its place. But it all has to be in the RIGHT place.

( Friday, February 10, 2012 11:24 PM )

I'd hate to say this; but oh wells, those days were pretty awesome.

depends how you see it.

( Wednesday, February 08, 2012 3:08 PM )

TOP FIVE REGRETS OF PEOPLE ON THEIR DEATHBED:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.