love is many things, not just that warm fuzzy feeling in your heart.
its respect, its caring, its patience, its more than just feelings. and most of all, love is a choice.
(
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
10:44 PM )
I NEED A BREAK. FROM LIFE.
(
Thursday, November 05, 2009
9:52 PM )
i washed my hands off WR to concentrate on OP. and now im starting to think if my WR is okay, because, looking back now, there are many many loopholes in the wr. oh well, its too late.
OP slides seem good. script? just smoke through the prelims eh.
im tired. i just cant wait for chinese As and OP to be over. then i can concentrate on simple things, just soccer training and chilling out and catching up a little on studying and also wait in anticipation for exciting stuffs in december.
but right now, im just tired.
(
Thursday, October 29, 2009
12:35 AM )
my comp is dying on me.
2 thumbdrives, 2 days of madness.
and i never liked anti virus programs cos they mess up my com. and apparently it has ALREADY messed up my comp. just to get rid of those pesky viruses. at least now everything is working kinda fine. i have just yet to get my vuze and itunes working. thats all. not that bad eh. im quite good with solving this kinda stuff.
(
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
12:24 AM )
happy month number 2. thank you for everything :D
(
Thursday, October 15, 2009
12:58 AM )
caught 2 movies online today: 500 days of summer and the ugly truth.
the ugly truth was a good laugh. idealistic, funny and typical-happily-live-ever-after movie.
500 days of summer was alot better. it was one of those movies that, after you watch, you will remember for a loong loong time because its intriguing. (reminds me of the prestige) heh. it portrays what really happens in real life. it bridges the gap between the screen and the viewer. awesome movie. a really notable quote from it, and the topic is on greeting cards.
"we're all liars. we buy cards because we cant say how we feel. aint love grand? cards, pop songs, movies are a bunch of lies. people should be able to say how they feel. how they really feel, not some words that some strangers put on paper." that really captured the continous questioning of what life is all about. we have become inanimate objects; we can only do things. why can we not talk anymore? have we really lost our interpersonal ability to speak, to mean what we say? movies can be powerful, i admit.
(
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
9:46 PM )
lightings for christmas! :D
new phone! :D
exams over! :D
soccer training! :D
life has been full of smiles recently.
(
Sunday, October 11, 2009
11:41 PM )
good stuff should be shared with the world. :D despite promos being a few days away.
(
Sunday, October 04, 2009
8:29 PM )
here's my progress so far.
for chem I got electrochem and chem kinetics. eith every other chapter still untouched..
for maths I think I got functions, definite integrals, integration covered.
for bio I just finished diversity and evolution today. still trying to catch viruses and rememer the various viruses.
that's all that i've covered, and today is monday. I've got a loooooong crazy week ahead......
(
Monday, September 28, 2009
9:43 PM )
there are days when everything is just perfect , and your day could not be any better.you are happy and contented and couldnt ask for more.
but there are days when everything is just wrong. beaten down, crushed, depressed, persecuted, abandoned, struck down, destroyed, flattened with no hope. you wished there was just something to be happy about, searching for something to smile about. but theres simply just nothing to smile about.
and today is one of those days.
(
Thursday, September 24, 2009
3:41 PM )
God only You understand.
(
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
7:16 AM )
Punctuality is the art of guessing how late the other guy is gonna be.
hahahahahahahahhaha.
(
Monday, September 21, 2009
7:10 PM )
Life is like a Cup of Coffee
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups have been taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of life we live.
Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee. Savor the coffee, not the cups! The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
(
Sunday, September 13, 2009
8:36 PM )
With Everything
Open our eyes
To see the things that make Your heart cry
To be the church that You would desire
Your light to be seen
Break down our pride
And all the walls we’ve built up inside
Our earthly crowns and all our desires
We lay at Your feet
Let hope rise
And darkness tremble
In Your holy light
That every eye will see
Jesus our God
Great and mighty to be praised
God of all days
Glorious in all of Your ways
Oh the majesty the wonder and grace
In the light of Your Name
With everything
With everything
We will shout for Your glory
With everything
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
Our hearts they cry
Be glorified
Be lifted high above all names
For You our King
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
i realise this song has been an inspiration to many parts of my life. literally. the song is and always will be one of my favourites. and of course. the bible verse after the song ends as well.
(
Thursday, September 10, 2009
11:06 PM )
5-1 against VS.
my first goal ever in ACJC. wooooohoooo. it was a weak but placement shot into the bottom corner. assisted by felix's good through ball.
soccer makes me happy. but scoring gives an out-of-this-world-impossible-to-describe feeling.
(
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
10:50 PM )
jim is looking forward to friday. =D
(
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
8:59 PM )
wendy has flown off. finally.
I have been dreading this day for the past year, and I guess the reality hasnt hit me yet. im gonna be optimistic; its not like she died or anything, but it's gonna be so different without a best friend and confidant. I know it will finally hit me, but I just dunno when and how.
i don't want to go on blogging in self-pity. so I guess thats it for now.
(
Saturday, August 29, 2009
12:51 AM )
yesterday was one of the most fun and craziest times of my life. what a wonderful day. it was kinda funny hanging out w people whom you hardly hang out with, like for example yifeng, trevor and matt. jumana has her rather irritating new english accent without singlish. siti's been long time no see, and it was kinda weird cos I was the only person from ac. just something I'm not used to.l
it was such an anticlimax coming back to school routine today. facing tutorial after lecture after tutorial after lecture, life seemed so surreal to just sit down and have some fun with the best people in the world. hahahahahahahahahahaha
life has been such a rollercoaster. exciting but highly unpredictable.
(
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
11:17 PM )
how many times, is it when you feel that God is silent, the circumstances are routine and monotonous, do you feel that God is actually doing a work in you? it has been very long, God. sometimes, it really takes a conscious and dying effort not to give up and to continue believing. i dont feel you near at all and i really want to give up, tempted to give up this faith, to give up trying again and again. my heart's pained by your silence. this was supposed to be the moment where you were supposed to be my source and my strength. yet where have you been? i have been trying; i really have been searching. but all this seeking has just left me empty.
(i have a knack of taking things of caleb's blog. this is rather lengthy and all, but if you do have time, esp guys, go ahead and read. its good food for the soul.)
THWARTING THE FALSE SELF
From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them. Stuart found he was good at math and science. He shut down his heart and spent all his energies perfecting his 'Spock' persona. There, in the academy, he was safe; he was also recognized and rewarded. Alex was good at sports and the whole macho image; he became a glass-eating animal. Stan became the nicest guy you could ever meet. 'In the story of my life,' he admitted, 'I want to be seen as the Nice Guy.' I became a hard-changing perfectionist; there, in my perfection, I found safety and recognition. 'When I was eight,' confesses Brennan Manning, 'the impostor, or false self , was born as a defense against pain. The impostor within whispered, 'Brennnan, don't ever be your real self anymore because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know.' Notice the key phrase: 'as a defense against pain,' as a way of saving himself. The impostor is our plan for salvation.
So God must take it all away. This often happens at the start of our initiation journey. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self. In the last chapter I told you of Brad's plan for self-redemption: he would belong to the 'inside group.' Even after it failed him time and again, breaking his heart over and over, he wouldn't give it up. He simply thought his aim was off; if he found the Right group, then his plan would work. Our plan for redemption is hard to let go of; it clings to our hearts like an octopus. So what did God do for Brad? He took it all away. God brought Brad to the point where he thought he had found The group, and then God prevented him from maneuvering his way in. Brad wrote me a letter to describe what he as going through:
God has taken all that away, stripped me of all the things I used to earn people's admiration. I knew what he was up to. He put me in a place where my heart's deepest wounds and arrows - and sin - came out. As I was weeping all these pictures of what I want to belong to came up - speaker, counselor in a group- and it was as if Jesus asked me to give them up. What came from my heart was surprising - incredible Fear. And then the image of never getting them. A sentence arose in my heart: ' You want me to die! If I give those up then I'll never belong and be somebody. You are asking me to die.' It has been my hope of salvation.
Why would God do something so cruel? Why would he do something so terrible as to wound us in the place of our deepest wound? Jesus warned us that 'whoever wants to save his life will lose it' (Luke 9:24). Christ is not using the word bios here; he's not talking about our physical life. The passage is not about trying to save your skin by ducking martyrdom or something like that. The word Christ uses for 'life' is the word psyche - the word for our soul, our inner self, our heart. He says that the things we do to save our psyche, our self, those plans to save and protect our inner life - those are the things that will actually destroy us. 'There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death' says Proverbs 16:25. The false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a life, the whole plan is built on pretense. It's a deadly trap. God loves us way too much to leave us there. So he thwarts us, in many, many different ways.
In order to take a man into his wound, so that he can heal it and begin the release of the true self, God will thwart the false self. He will take away all that you've leaned upon to bring you life. In the movie The Natural, Robert Redford is a baseball player named Roy Hobbs, perhaps the most gifted baseball player ever. He's a high school wonder boy, a natural who gets a shot at the big leagues. But his dreams of a professional career are cut short when Hobbs is wrongly sentenced to prison for murder. Years later, an aging Hobbs gets a second chance. He's signed by the New York Knights - the worst team in the league. But through his incredible gift, untarnished by the years, Hobbs leads the Knights from ignominy to the play-off game for the National League pennant. He rallies the team, becomes the center of their hopes and dreams.
The climax of the film is the game for the championship. It's the bottom of the ninth; the score is Pittsburgh 2, Knights 0. The Knights have 2 outs; there's a man on first and third when Hobbs steps up to the plate. He's their only chance; this is his moment. Now, there's something you must know, something absolutely crucial to the story. Ever since his high school days, Hobbs has played with a bat he made himself from the heart of a tree felled by lighting in his front yard. Burned into the bat is a lightning bolt and the words 'wonder boy.' That bat is the symbol of his greatness, his giftedness. He has never, ever played with another. Clutching 'wonder boy', Hobbs steps to the plate. His first swing is a miss; his second is a foul ball high and behind. His third is a solid hit along the first-base line; it looks like a home run, but it also lands foul. As Hobbs returns to the plate, he sees his bat lying there...in pieces. It shattered on that last swing.
This is the critical moment in a man's life, when all he has counted on comes crashing down, when his golden bat breaks into pieces. His investments fail; his company lets him go; the church fires him; he is leveled by an illness; his wife walks out; his daughter turns up pregnant. What is he to do? Will he stay in the game? Will he shrink back to the dugout? Will he scramble to try to put things back together, as so many men do? The true test of a man, the beginning of his redemption, actually starts when he can no longer rely on what he's used all his life. The real journey begins when the false self fails. A moment that seems like an eternity passes as Hobbs stands there, holding the broken pieces, surveying the damage. The bat is beyond repair. Then he says to the bat boy, 'God pick me out a winner, Bobby.' He stays in the game and hits a home run to win the series.
God will take away our 'bat' as well. He will do something to thwart the false self. Stuart 'saved' himself by becoming emotionless. Last year his wife walked out on him. She's had it with his two-dimensional existence; what woman wants to be married to Spock? Alex recently suffered a series of panic attacks that left him almost unable to leave his home. The whole macho construct fell to the ground. At first, nobody could believe it; Alex couldn't believe it. He was invincible, the strongest guy you ever met. But it was built as a defense against the wound. Our loss doesn't have to be something so dramatic. A man may simply awaken one day to find himself lost, lost as Dante described himself: 'In the middle of the road of my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the true way was wholly lost.' That was the turning point in my life.
I went to Washington D.C, as a young man to try to make something of myself, to prove something, establish credibility. The damnable thing about it was, I succeeded. My giftedness worked against me by coming through for me. I was recognized and rewarded. But the whole experience felt like an act of survival - not something flowing out of a deep center, but something I had to prove, overcome, grasp. As Manning said of his own impostor, 'I studied hard, scored excellent grades, won a scholarship in high school, and was stalked every waking moment by the terror of abandonment and the sense that nobody was there for me.' At the end of the two years I woke one morning and realized i hated my life.
How many helps thou giv'st to those who would learn!
To some sore pain, to others a sinking heart;
To some a weariness worse than any smart;
To some a haunting, fearing, blind concern;
Madness to some; to some the shaking dart
Of hideous death still following as they turn;
To some a hunger that will not depart
To some thou giv'st a deep unrest - a scorn
Of all they are or see upon the earth;
A gaze, at dusky night and clearning morn,
as on a land of emptiness and dearth;
To some a bitter sorrow; to some the sting
Of love misprized - of sick abandoning;
To some a frozen heart, oh, worse than anything!
The messengers of Satan think to mar,
But make - driving the soul from false to feal -
To thee, the reconciler, the one real,
In whom alone the would be and the is are met.
(George MacDonald, Diary of an Old Soul)
This is a very dangerous moment, when God seems set against everything that has meant life to us. Satan spies his opportunity, and leaps to accuse God in our hearts. You see, he says, God is angry with you. He's disappointed in you. If he loved you he would make things smoother. He's not out for your best, you know. The Enemy always tempts us back toward control, to recover and rebuild the false self. We must remember that is is out of love that God thwarts our impostor. As Hebrews reminds us, it is the son whom God disciplines, therefore do not lose heart. (12:5-6).
God thwarts us to save us. We think it will destroy us, but the opposite is true - we must be saved from what really will destroy us. If we would walk with him in our journey of masculine initiation, we must walk away from the false self - set it down, give it up willingly. It feels crazy; it feels immensely vulnerable. Brad has topped looking for the group. Stuart has begun to open his heart up to emotion, to relationship, to all that he buried so long ago. Alex stopped 'eating glass,' stopped the whole macho thing to face what he had never faced inside. I gave up perfectionism, left Washington, and went looking for my heart. We simply accept the invitation to leave all that we've relied on and venture of out with God. We can choose to do it ourselves, or we can wait for God to bring it all down.
If you have no clue as to what your false self may be, then a starting point would be to ask those you live with and work with, 'What is my effect on you? Wham am I like to live with (or work with)? What Don't you feel free to bring up with me?' If you never, ever say a word in a meeting because you fear you might say something stupid, well then, it's time to speak up. If all you ever do is dominate a meeting because your sense of self worth comes from being in charge, then you need to shut up for a while. If you've run to sports because you feel best about yourself there, then it's probably tome to give it a rest and stay home with your family. If you never play any game with other men, then it's time you go down to the gym with the guys and play some hoops. In other words, you face your fears head- on. Drop the fig leaf; come out from hiding. For how long? Longer than you want to; long enough to raise the deeper issues, let the wound surface from beneath it all.
Losing the false self is painful; though it's a mask, it's one we've worn for years and losing it can feel like losing a close friend. Underneath the mask is all the heart and fear we've been running from, hiding from. To let it come to the surface can shake us like an earthquake. Brad felt as if he was going to die, you may too. Or you may feel like Andy Gullahorn, who wrote the song 'Steel Bars' from Old Hat (© 1997 by Andy Gullahorn):
So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
But this is not the end of the road; it's the trailhead.
What you are journeying toward is freedom, healing, and authenticity.
Listen to the next part of Andy's song:
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break the chains that enslave my soul
WALKING AWAY FROM THE WOMAN
As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, those places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to the woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well. I do not mean you leave your wife. I mean to stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her. For some men, this may mean disappointing her. If you've been a passive man, tiptoeing around your wife for years, never doing anything to rock the boat, then it's time to rock it. Stand up to her; get her mad at you. For those of you violent men (including achievers), it means you stop abusing her. You release her as the object of your anger because you release her as the one who was supposed to be make you a man. Repentance for a driven man means you become kind. Both types are still going to the woman. Repentance depends on which way you've approached her.
But I have counseled many young men to break up with the woman they were dating because they had made her their life. She was the sun of his universe, around which he orbited. A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. Only then is he fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into. A friend tells me that in the Masai tribe in Africa, a young man cannot court a woman until he has killed a lion. That's their way of saying, until he has been initiated. I have seen far too many young men commit a kind of emotional promiscuity with a young woman. He will pursue her, not to offer his strength but to drink from her beauty, to be affirmed by her and feel like a man. They will share deep, intimate conversations. But he will not commit; he is Unable to commit. This is very unfair to the young lady. After a year of this sort of relationship a dear friend said, 'I never felt secure in what I meant to him.'
When we feel the pull toward the golden-haired woman, we must recognize that something deeper is at play. As Bly says,
What does it men when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone...he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some women a lot of trouble. (Iron John)
Again, this is not permission to divorce. A man who has married a woman has made her a solemn pledge; he can never heal his wound by delivering another to the one he promised to love. Sometimes she will leave him; that is another story. Too many men run after her, begging her not to go. If she has to go, it is probably because you have some soul work to do. What I am saying is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength; he goes to her to offer it. You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as a great man you do not need the woman. As Augustine said, 'Let my soul praise you for all these beauties, but let it not attach itself to them by the trap of love,' the trap of addiction because we've taken our soul to her for validation.
But there is an even deeper issue than our question. What else is it we are seeking from the Woman with the Golden Hair? What is that ache we are trying to assuage with her? Mercy, comfort, beauty, ecstasy - in a word, God. I'm serious. What we are looking for is God.
There was a time when Adam drank deeply from the source of all Love. He - our first father and archetype - lived in an unbroken communion with the most captivating, beautiful and intoxicating Source of life in the universe. Adam had God. True, it was not good for man to be alone, and God in his humility gave us Eve, allowed us to need her as well. But something happened at the Fall; something Shifted. Eve took the place of God in a man's life. Let me explain.
Adam was not deceived by the serpent. Did you know that? Paul makes it clear in 1 Timothy 2:14 - Adam did not fall because he was deceived. His sin was different; in some ways, it was more serious in that he did it with open eyes. We do not know how long it lasted, but there was a moment in Eden when Eve was fallen and Adam was not, she had eaten, but he yet had a choice. I believe something took place in his heart that went like this: I have lost my ezer kenegdo, my soul mate, the most vital companion I've known. I do not know what life will be like, but I know I cannot live without her.
Adam chose Eve over God.
If you think I exaggerate, simply look around. Look at all the art, poetry, music, drama devoted to the beautiful woman. Listen to the language men use to describe her. Watch the powerful obsession at work. What else can this be but Worship? Men come into the world without the God who was our deepest joy, our ecstasy. Aching for we know not what, we meet Eve's daughters and we are history. She is the closest thing we've ever encountered, the pinnacle of creation, the very embodiment of God's beauty and mystery and tenderness and allure. And what goes out to her is not just our longing for Eve, but our longing for God as well. A man without his true love, his life, his God, will find another. What better substitute than Eve's daughters? Nothing else in creation even comes close.
To a young man who had ever been without a girlfriend since the eighth grade, I have the advice that he should break up, call off the dating for one year. From the look on his face you'd have thought I told him to cut off his arm... or something worse. Do you see what is at work here? Notice that the struggle with pornography or masturbation is most difficult when you are lonely, or beat up, or longing for comfort in some way. This will become more intense as you get closer to your wound. The longing for the ache to go away, and pull toward other comforters can seem overwhelming. I've watched it in many men. I know it in myself. But if this is the water you are truly thirsty for, then why do you remain thirsty after you've had a drink? It's the wrong well.
We must reverse Adam's choice; we must choose God over Eve. We must take our ache to him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound.'
Wild at Heart
John Elderdge
(
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
6:18 PM )
the lights have been spoilt for two weeks alr, and I'm getting quite bored of it. I got quite a few cool new ideas but have yet to try it.
SPA is this tues and thurs. they account for 7.5% of my a level grade, so I guess I have to take it really seriously. I'm confident of my the actual experiment, but it's the questions and theory part that im not certain about. I cant quite get the chemistry behind potassium carbonate double titrations..
on the other hand, I NEED TO SLEEP!
ahhhh, fifteen august two o o nine, holland village bus stop. hahahaha
(
Sunday, August 16, 2009
5:41 AM )
Stand Still by Leeland
Broken hands and tattered clothes
Off the sides of busy roads
These are people, these are souls and
Their help's in our control
But "busy roads" is where we stay
Busy lives is just the way
How we live life today
Am I the only one afraid?
Chorus:
We're moving too fast and it's blinding us
The speed that we're in is just too quick for love
There's so many problems that we could fix
If stopping is all that we do in their midst
It's enough to feel
All the pain in the world that needs to be healed
If we just Stand Still
The love of God is in the streets
In the people that we meet
On the faces of the weak
We look and see God's strength
And are there any who will go
Forsaking lands and leaving homes
All so broken hearts may know that
God will mend their souls
We need to look around us
OKAY WAIT THIS IS EPIC.
jolena. says:
what's 1+1?
jim † says:
oh my gosh
TWO
(
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
9:45 PM )
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
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I NEED A BREAK. FROM LIFE.
(
Thursday, November 05, 2009
9:52 PM )
i washed my hands off WR to concentrate on OP. and now im starting to think if my WR is okay, because, looking back now, there are many many loopholes in the wr. oh well, its too late.
OP slides seem good. script? just smoke through the prelims eh.
im tired. i just cant wait for chinese As and OP to be over. then i can concentrate on simple things, just soccer training and chilling out and catching up a little on studying and also wait in anticipation for exciting stuffs in december.
but right now, im just tired.
(
Thursday, October 29, 2009
12:35 AM )
my comp is dying on me.
2 thumbdrives, 2 days of madness.
and i never liked anti virus programs cos they mess up my com. and apparently it has ALREADY messed up my comp. just to get rid of those pesky viruses. at least now everything is working kinda fine. i have just yet to get my vuze and itunes working. thats all. not that bad eh. im quite good with solving this kinda stuff.
(
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
12:24 AM )
happy month number 2. thank you for everything :D
(
Thursday, October 15, 2009
12:58 AM )
caught 2 movies online today: 500 days of summer and the ugly truth.
the ugly truth was a good laugh. idealistic, funny and typical-happily-live-ever-after movie.
500 days of summer was alot better. it was one of those movies that, after you watch, you will remember for a loong loong time because its intriguing. (reminds me of the prestige) heh. it portrays what really happens in real life. it bridges the gap between the screen and the viewer. awesome movie. a really notable quote from it, and the topic is on greeting cards.
"we're all liars. we buy cards because we cant say how we feel. aint love grand? cards, pop songs, movies are a bunch of lies. people should be able to say how they feel. how they really feel, not some words that some strangers put on paper." that really captured the continous questioning of what life is all about. we have become inanimate objects; we can only do things. why can we not talk anymore? have we really lost our interpersonal ability to speak, to mean what we say? movies can be powerful, i admit.
(
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
9:46 PM )
lightings for christmas! :D
new phone! :D
exams over! :D
soccer training! :D
life has been full of smiles recently.
(
Sunday, October 11, 2009
11:41 PM )
good stuff should be shared with the world. :D despite promos being a few days away.
(
Sunday, October 04, 2009
8:29 PM )
here's my progress so far.
for chem I got electrochem and chem kinetics. eith every other chapter still untouched..
for maths I think I got functions, definite integrals, integration covered.
for bio I just finished diversity and evolution today. still trying to catch viruses and rememer the various viruses.
that's all that i've covered, and today is monday. I've got a loooooong crazy week ahead......
(
Monday, September 28, 2009
9:43 PM )
there are days when everything is just perfect , and your day could not be any better.you are happy and contented and couldnt ask for more.
but there are days when everything is just wrong. beaten down, crushed, depressed, persecuted, abandoned, struck down, destroyed, flattened with no hope. you wished there was just something to be happy about, searching for something to smile about. but theres simply just nothing to smile about.
and today is one of those days.
(
Thursday, September 24, 2009
3:41 PM )
God only You understand.
(
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
7:16 AM )
Punctuality is the art of guessing how late the other guy is gonna be.
hahahahahahahahhaha.
(
Monday, September 21, 2009
7:10 PM )
Life is like a Cup of Coffee
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups have been taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of life we live.
Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee. Savor the coffee, not the cups! The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
(
Sunday, September 13, 2009
8:36 PM )
With Everything
Open our eyes
To see the things that make Your heart cry
To be the church that You would desire
Your light to be seen
Break down our pride
And all the walls we’ve built up inside
Our earthly crowns and all our desires
We lay at Your feet
Let hope rise
And darkness tremble
In Your holy light
That every eye will see
Jesus our God
Great and mighty to be praised
God of all days
Glorious in all of Your ways
Oh the majesty the wonder and grace
In the light of Your Name
With everything
With everything
We will shout for Your glory
With everything
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
Our hearts they cry
Be glorified
Be lifted high above all names
For You our King
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
i realise this song has been an inspiration to many parts of my life. literally. the song is and always will be one of my favourites. and of course. the bible verse after the song ends as well.
(
Thursday, September 10, 2009
11:06 PM )
5-1 against VS.
my first goal ever in ACJC. wooooohoooo. it was a weak but placement shot into the bottom corner. assisted by felix's good through ball.
soccer makes me happy. but scoring gives an out-of-this-world-impossible-to-describe feeling.
(
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
10:50 PM )
jim is looking forward to friday. =D
(
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
8:59 PM )
wendy has flown off. finally.
I have been dreading this day for the past year, and I guess the reality hasnt hit me yet. im gonna be optimistic; its not like she died or anything, but it's gonna be so different without a best friend and confidant. I know it will finally hit me, but I just dunno when and how.
i don't want to go on blogging in self-pity. so I guess thats it for now.
(
Saturday, August 29, 2009
12:51 AM )
yesterday was one of the most fun and craziest times of my life. what a wonderful day. it was kinda funny hanging out w people whom you hardly hang out with, like for example yifeng, trevor and matt. jumana has her rather irritating new english accent without singlish. siti's been long time no see, and it was kinda weird cos I was the only person from ac. just something I'm not used to.l
it was such an anticlimax coming back to school routine today. facing tutorial after lecture after tutorial after lecture, life seemed so surreal to just sit down and have some fun with the best people in the world. hahahahahahahahahahaha
life has been such a rollercoaster. exciting but highly unpredictable.
(
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
11:17 PM )
how many times, is it when you feel that God is silent, the circumstances are routine and monotonous, do you feel that God is actually doing a work in you? it has been very long, God. sometimes, it really takes a conscious and dying effort not to give up and to continue believing. i dont feel you near at all and i really want to give up, tempted to give up this faith, to give up trying again and again. my heart's pained by your silence. this was supposed to be the moment where you were supposed to be my source and my strength. yet where have you been? i have been trying; i really have been searching. but all this seeking has just left me empty.
(i have a knack of taking things of caleb's blog. this is rather lengthy and all, but if you do have time, esp guys, go ahead and read. its good food for the soul.)
THWARTING THE FALSE SELF
From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them. Stuart found he was good at math and science. He shut down his heart and spent all his energies perfecting his 'Spock' persona. There, in the academy, he was safe; he was also recognized and rewarded. Alex was good at sports and the whole macho image; he became a glass-eating animal. Stan became the nicest guy you could ever meet. 'In the story of my life,' he admitted, 'I want to be seen as the Nice Guy.' I became a hard-changing perfectionist; there, in my perfection, I found safety and recognition. 'When I was eight,' confesses Brennan Manning, 'the impostor, or false self , was born as a defense against pain. The impostor within whispered, 'Brennnan, don't ever be your real self anymore because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know.' Notice the key phrase: 'as a defense against pain,' as a way of saving himself. The impostor is our plan for salvation.
So God must take it all away. This often happens at the start of our initiation journey. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self. In the last chapter I told you of Brad's plan for self-redemption: he would belong to the 'inside group.' Even after it failed him time and again, breaking his heart over and over, he wouldn't give it up. He simply thought his aim was off; if he found the Right group, then his plan would work. Our plan for redemption is hard to let go of; it clings to our hearts like an octopus. So what did God do for Brad? He took it all away. God brought Brad to the point where he thought he had found The group, and then God prevented him from maneuvering his way in. Brad wrote me a letter to describe what he as going through:
God has taken all that away, stripped me of all the things I used to earn people's admiration. I knew what he was up to. He put me in a place where my heart's deepest wounds and arrows - and sin - came out. As I was weeping all these pictures of what I want to belong to came up - speaker, counselor in a group- and it was as if Jesus asked me to give them up. What came from my heart was surprising - incredible Fear. And then the image of never getting them. A sentence arose in my heart: ' You want me to die! If I give those up then I'll never belong and be somebody. You are asking me to die.' It has been my hope of salvation.
Why would God do something so cruel? Why would he do something so terrible as to wound us in the place of our deepest wound? Jesus warned us that 'whoever wants to save his life will lose it' (Luke 9:24). Christ is not using the word bios here; he's not talking about our physical life. The passage is not about trying to save your skin by ducking martyrdom or something like that. The word Christ uses for 'life' is the word psyche - the word for our soul, our inner self, our heart. He says that the things we do to save our psyche, our self, those plans to save and protect our inner life - those are the things that will actually destroy us. 'There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death' says Proverbs 16:25. The false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a life, the whole plan is built on pretense. It's a deadly trap. God loves us way too much to leave us there. So he thwarts us, in many, many different ways.
In order to take a man into his wound, so that he can heal it and begin the release of the true self, God will thwart the false self. He will take away all that you've leaned upon to bring you life. In the movie The Natural, Robert Redford is a baseball player named Roy Hobbs, perhaps the most gifted baseball player ever. He's a high school wonder boy, a natural who gets a shot at the big leagues. But his dreams of a professional career are cut short when Hobbs is wrongly sentenced to prison for murder. Years later, an aging Hobbs gets a second chance. He's signed by the New York Knights - the worst team in the league. But through his incredible gift, untarnished by the years, Hobbs leads the Knights from ignominy to the play-off game for the National League pennant. He rallies the team, becomes the center of their hopes and dreams.
The climax of the film is the game for the championship. It's the bottom of the ninth; the score is Pittsburgh 2, Knights 0. The Knights have 2 outs; there's a man on first and third when Hobbs steps up to the plate. He's their only chance; this is his moment. Now, there's something you must know, something absolutely crucial to the story. Ever since his high school days, Hobbs has played with a bat he made himself from the heart of a tree felled by lighting in his front yard. Burned into the bat is a lightning bolt and the words 'wonder boy.' That bat is the symbol of his greatness, his giftedness. He has never, ever played with another. Clutching 'wonder boy', Hobbs steps to the plate. His first swing is a miss; his second is a foul ball high and behind. His third is a solid hit along the first-base line; it looks like a home run, but it also lands foul. As Hobbs returns to the plate, he sees his bat lying there...in pieces. It shattered on that last swing.
This is the critical moment in a man's life, when all he has counted on comes crashing down, when his golden bat breaks into pieces. His investments fail; his company lets him go; the church fires him; he is leveled by an illness; his wife walks out; his daughter turns up pregnant. What is he to do? Will he stay in the game? Will he shrink back to the dugout? Will he scramble to try to put things back together, as so many men do? The true test of a man, the beginning of his redemption, actually starts when he can no longer rely on what he's used all his life. The real journey begins when the false self fails. A moment that seems like an eternity passes as Hobbs stands there, holding the broken pieces, surveying the damage. The bat is beyond repair. Then he says to the bat boy, 'God pick me out a winner, Bobby.' He stays in the game and hits a home run to win the series.
God will take away our 'bat' as well. He will do something to thwart the false self. Stuart 'saved' himself by becoming emotionless. Last year his wife walked out on him. She's had it with his two-dimensional existence; what woman wants to be married to Spock? Alex recently suffered a series of panic attacks that left him almost unable to leave his home. The whole macho construct fell to the ground. At first, nobody could believe it; Alex couldn't believe it. He was invincible, the strongest guy you ever met. But it was built as a defense against the wound. Our loss doesn't have to be something so dramatic. A man may simply awaken one day to find himself lost, lost as Dante described himself: 'In the middle of the road of my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the true way was wholly lost.' That was the turning point in my life.
I went to Washington D.C, as a young man to try to make something of myself, to prove something, establish credibility. The damnable thing about it was, I succeeded. My giftedness worked against me by coming through for me. I was recognized and rewarded. But the whole experience felt like an act of survival - not something flowing out of a deep center, but something I had to prove, overcome, grasp. As Manning said of his own impostor, 'I studied hard, scored excellent grades, won a scholarship in high school, and was stalked every waking moment by the terror of abandonment and the sense that nobody was there for me.' At the end of the two years I woke one morning and realized i hated my life.
How many helps thou giv'st to those who would learn!
To some sore pain, to others a sinking heart;
To some a weariness worse than any smart;
To some a haunting, fearing, blind concern;
Madness to some; to some the shaking dart
Of hideous death still following as they turn;
To some a hunger that will not depart
To some thou giv'st a deep unrest - a scorn
Of all they are or see upon the earth;
A gaze, at dusky night and clearning morn,
as on a land of emptiness and dearth;
To some a bitter sorrow; to some the sting
Of love misprized - of sick abandoning;
To some a frozen heart, oh, worse than anything!
The messengers of Satan think to mar,
But make - driving the soul from false to feal -
To thee, the reconciler, the one real,
In whom alone the would be and the is are met.
(George MacDonald, Diary of an Old Soul)
This is a very dangerous moment, when God seems set against everything that has meant life to us. Satan spies his opportunity, and leaps to accuse God in our hearts. You see, he says, God is angry with you. He's disappointed in you. If he loved you he would make things smoother. He's not out for your best, you know. The Enemy always tempts us back toward control, to recover and rebuild the false self. We must remember that is is out of love that God thwarts our impostor. As Hebrews reminds us, it is the son whom God disciplines, therefore do not lose heart. (12:5-6).
God thwarts us to save us. We think it will destroy us, but the opposite is true - we must be saved from what really will destroy us. If we would walk with him in our journey of masculine initiation, we must walk away from the false self - set it down, give it up willingly. It feels crazy; it feels immensely vulnerable. Brad has topped looking for the group. Stuart has begun to open his heart up to emotion, to relationship, to all that he buried so long ago. Alex stopped 'eating glass,' stopped the whole macho thing to face what he had never faced inside. I gave up perfectionism, left Washington, and went looking for my heart. We simply accept the invitation to leave all that we've relied on and venture of out with God. We can choose to do it ourselves, or we can wait for God to bring it all down.
If you have no clue as to what your false self may be, then a starting point would be to ask those you live with and work with, 'What is my effect on you? Wham am I like to live with (or work with)? What Don't you feel free to bring up with me?' If you never, ever say a word in a meeting because you fear you might say something stupid, well then, it's time to speak up. If all you ever do is dominate a meeting because your sense of self worth comes from being in charge, then you need to shut up for a while. If you've run to sports because you feel best about yourself there, then it's probably tome to give it a rest and stay home with your family. If you never play any game with other men, then it's time you go down to the gym with the guys and play some hoops. In other words, you face your fears head- on. Drop the fig leaf; come out from hiding. For how long? Longer than you want to; long enough to raise the deeper issues, let the wound surface from beneath it all.
Losing the false self is painful; though it's a mask, it's one we've worn for years and losing it can feel like losing a close friend. Underneath the mask is all the heart and fear we've been running from, hiding from. To let it come to the surface can shake us like an earthquake. Brad felt as if he was going to die, you may too. Or you may feel like Andy Gullahorn, who wrote the song 'Steel Bars' from Old Hat (© 1997 by Andy Gullahorn):
So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
But this is not the end of the road; it's the trailhead.
What you are journeying toward is freedom, healing, and authenticity.
Listen to the next part of Andy's song:
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break the chains that enslave my soul
WALKING AWAY FROM THE WOMAN
As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, those places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to the woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well. I do not mean you leave your wife. I mean to stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her. For some men, this may mean disappointing her. If you've been a passive man, tiptoeing around your wife for years, never doing anything to rock the boat, then it's time to rock it. Stand up to her; get her mad at you. For those of you violent men (including achievers), it means you stop abusing her. You release her as the object of your anger because you release her as the one who was supposed to be make you a man. Repentance for a driven man means you become kind. Both types are still going to the woman. Repentance depends on which way you've approached her.
But I have counseled many young men to break up with the woman they were dating because they had made her their life. She was the sun of his universe, around which he orbited. A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. Only then is he fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into. A friend tells me that in the Masai tribe in Africa, a young man cannot court a woman until he has killed a lion. That's their way of saying, until he has been initiated. I have seen far too many young men commit a kind of emotional promiscuity with a young woman. He will pursue her, not to offer his strength but to drink from her beauty, to be affirmed by her and feel like a man. They will share deep, intimate conversations. But he will not commit; he is Unable to commit. This is very unfair to the young lady. After a year of this sort of relationship a dear friend said, 'I never felt secure in what I meant to him.'
When we feel the pull toward the golden-haired woman, we must recognize that something deeper is at play. As Bly says,
What does it men when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone...he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some women a lot of trouble. (Iron John)
Again, this is not permission to divorce. A man who has married a woman has made her a solemn pledge; he can never heal his wound by delivering another to the one he promised to love. Sometimes she will leave him; that is another story. Too many men run after her, begging her not to go. If she has to go, it is probably because you have some soul work to do. What I am saying is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength; he goes to her to offer it. You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as a great man you do not need the woman. As Augustine said, 'Let my soul praise you for all these beauties, but let it not attach itself to them by the trap of love,' the trap of addiction because we've taken our soul to her for validation.
But there is an even deeper issue than our question. What else is it we are seeking from the Woman with the Golden Hair? What is that ache we are trying to assuage with her? Mercy, comfort, beauty, ecstasy - in a word, God. I'm serious. What we are looking for is God.
There was a time when Adam drank deeply from the source of all Love. He - our first father and archetype - lived in an unbroken communion with the most captivating, beautiful and intoxicating Source of life in the universe. Adam had God. True, it was not good for man to be alone, and God in his humility gave us Eve, allowed us to need her as well. But something happened at the Fall; something Shifted. Eve took the place of God in a man's life. Let me explain.
Adam was not deceived by the serpent. Did you know that? Paul makes it clear in 1 Timothy 2:14 - Adam did not fall because he was deceived. His sin was different; in some ways, it was more serious in that he did it with open eyes. We do not know how long it lasted, but there was a moment in Eden when Eve was fallen and Adam was not, she had eaten, but he yet had a choice. I believe something took place in his heart that went like this: I have lost my ezer kenegdo, my soul mate, the most vital companion I've known. I do not know what life will be like, but I know I cannot live without her.
Adam chose Eve over God.
If you think I exaggerate, simply look around. Look at all the art, poetry, music, drama devoted to the beautiful woman. Listen to the language men use to describe her. Watch the powerful obsession at work. What else can this be but Worship? Men come into the world without the God who was our deepest joy, our ecstasy. Aching for we know not what, we meet Eve's daughters and we are history. She is the closest thing we've ever encountered, the pinnacle of creation, the very embodiment of God's beauty and mystery and tenderness and allure. And what goes out to her is not just our longing for Eve, but our longing for God as well. A man without his true love, his life, his God, will find another. What better substitute than Eve's daughters? Nothing else in creation even comes close.
To a young man who had ever been without a girlfriend since the eighth grade, I have the advice that he should break up, call off the dating for one year. From the look on his face you'd have thought I told him to cut off his arm... or something worse. Do you see what is at work here? Notice that the struggle with pornography or masturbation is most difficult when you are lonely, or beat up, or longing for comfort in some way. This will become more intense as you get closer to your wound. The longing for the ache to go away, and pull toward other comforters can seem overwhelming. I've watched it in many men. I know it in myself. But if this is the water you are truly thirsty for, then why do you remain thirsty after you've had a drink? It's the wrong well.
We must reverse Adam's choice; we must choose God over Eve. We must take our ache to him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound.'
Wild at Heart
John Elderdge
(
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
6:18 PM )
the lights have been spoilt for two weeks alr, and I'm getting quite bored of it. I got quite a few cool new ideas but have yet to try it.
SPA is this tues and thurs. they account for 7.5% of my a level grade, so I guess I have to take it really seriously. I'm confident of my the actual experiment, but it's the questions and theory part that im not certain about. I cant quite get the chemistry behind potassium carbonate double titrations..
on the other hand, I NEED TO SLEEP!
ahhhh, fifteen august two o o nine, holland village bus stop. hahahaha
(
Sunday, August 16, 2009
5:41 AM )
Stand Still by Leeland
Broken hands and tattered clothes
Off the sides of busy roads
These are people, these are souls and
Their help's in our control
But "busy roads" is where we stay
Busy lives is just the way
How we live life today
Am I the only one afraid?
Chorus:
We're moving too fast and it's blinding us
The speed that we're in is just too quick for love
There's so many problems that we could fix
If stopping is all that we do in their midst
It's enough to feel
All the pain in the world that needs to be healed
If we just Stand Still
The love of God is in the streets
In the people that we meet
On the faces of the weak
We look and see God's strength
And are there any who will go
Forsaking lands and leaving homes
All so broken hearts may know that
God will mend their souls
We need to look around us
OKAY WAIT THIS IS EPIC.
jolena. says:
what's 1+1?
jim † says:
oh my gosh
TWO
(
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
9:45 PM )
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
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counter
i washed my hands off WR to concentrate on OP. and now im starting to think if my WR is okay, because, looking back now, there are many many loopholes in the wr. oh well, its too late.
OP slides seem good. script? just smoke through the prelims eh.
im tired. i just cant wait for chinese As and OP to be over. then i can concentrate on simple things, just soccer training and chilling out and catching up a little on studying and also wait in anticipation for exciting stuffs in december.
but right now, im just tired.
(
Thursday, October 29, 2009
12:35 AM )
my comp is dying on me.
2 thumbdrives, 2 days of madness.
and i never liked anti virus programs cos they mess up my com. and apparently it has ALREADY messed up my comp. just to get rid of those pesky viruses. at least now everything is working kinda fine. i have just yet to get my vuze and itunes working. thats all. not that bad eh. im quite good with solving this kinda stuff.
(
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
12:24 AM )
happy month number 2. thank you for everything :D
(
Thursday, October 15, 2009
12:58 AM )
caught 2 movies online today: 500 days of summer and the ugly truth.
the ugly truth was a good laugh. idealistic, funny and typical-happily-live-ever-after movie.
500 days of summer was alot better. it was one of those movies that, after you watch, you will remember for a loong loong time because its intriguing. (reminds me of the prestige) heh. it portrays what really happens in real life. it bridges the gap between the screen and the viewer. awesome movie. a really notable quote from it, and the topic is on greeting cards.
"we're all liars. we buy cards because we cant say how we feel. aint love grand? cards, pop songs, movies are a bunch of lies. people should be able to say how they feel. how they really feel, not some words that some strangers put on paper." that really captured the continous questioning of what life is all about. we have become inanimate objects; we can only do things. why can we not talk anymore? have we really lost our interpersonal ability to speak, to mean what we say? movies can be powerful, i admit.
(
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
9:46 PM )
lightings for christmas! :D
new phone! :D
exams over! :D
soccer training! :D
life has been full of smiles recently.
(
Sunday, October 11, 2009
11:41 PM )
good stuff should be shared with the world. :D despite promos being a few days away.
(
Sunday, October 04, 2009
8:29 PM )
here's my progress so far.
for chem I got electrochem and chem kinetics. eith every other chapter still untouched..
for maths I think I got functions, definite integrals, integration covered.
for bio I just finished diversity and evolution today. still trying to catch viruses and rememer the various viruses.
that's all that i've covered, and today is monday. I've got a loooooong crazy week ahead......
(
Monday, September 28, 2009
9:43 PM )
there are days when everything is just perfect , and your day could not be any better.you are happy and contented and couldnt ask for more.
but there are days when everything is just wrong. beaten down, crushed, depressed, persecuted, abandoned, struck down, destroyed, flattened with no hope. you wished there was just something to be happy about, searching for something to smile about. but theres simply just nothing to smile about.
and today is one of those days.
(
Thursday, September 24, 2009
3:41 PM )
God only You understand.
(
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
7:16 AM )
Punctuality is the art of guessing how late the other guy is gonna be.
hahahahahahahahhaha.
(
Monday, September 21, 2009
7:10 PM )
Life is like a Cup of Coffee
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups have been taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of life we live.
Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee. Savor the coffee, not the cups! The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
(
Sunday, September 13, 2009
8:36 PM )
With Everything
Open our eyes
To see the things that make Your heart cry
To be the church that You would desire
Your light to be seen
Break down our pride
And all the walls we’ve built up inside
Our earthly crowns and all our desires
We lay at Your feet
Let hope rise
And darkness tremble
In Your holy light
That every eye will see
Jesus our God
Great and mighty to be praised
God of all days
Glorious in all of Your ways
Oh the majesty the wonder and grace
In the light of Your Name
With everything
With everything
We will shout for Your glory
With everything
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
Our hearts they cry
Be glorified
Be lifted high above all names
For You our King
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
i realise this song has been an inspiration to many parts of my life. literally. the song is and always will be one of my favourites. and of course. the bible verse after the song ends as well.
(
Thursday, September 10, 2009
11:06 PM )
5-1 against VS.
my first goal ever in ACJC. wooooohoooo. it was a weak but placement shot into the bottom corner. assisted by felix's good through ball.
soccer makes me happy. but scoring gives an out-of-this-world-impossible-to-describe feeling.
(
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
10:50 PM )
jim is looking forward to friday. =D
(
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
8:59 PM )
wendy has flown off. finally.
I have been dreading this day for the past year, and I guess the reality hasnt hit me yet. im gonna be optimistic; its not like she died or anything, but it's gonna be so different without a best friend and confidant. I know it will finally hit me, but I just dunno when and how.
i don't want to go on blogging in self-pity. so I guess thats it for now.
(
Saturday, August 29, 2009
12:51 AM )
yesterday was one of the most fun and craziest times of my life. what a wonderful day. it was kinda funny hanging out w people whom you hardly hang out with, like for example yifeng, trevor and matt. jumana has her rather irritating new english accent without singlish. siti's been long time no see, and it was kinda weird cos I was the only person from ac. just something I'm not used to.l
it was such an anticlimax coming back to school routine today. facing tutorial after lecture after tutorial after lecture, life seemed so surreal to just sit down and have some fun with the best people in the world. hahahahahahahahahahaha
life has been such a rollercoaster. exciting but highly unpredictable.
(
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
11:17 PM )
how many times, is it when you feel that God is silent, the circumstances are routine and monotonous, do you feel that God is actually doing a work in you? it has been very long, God. sometimes, it really takes a conscious and dying effort not to give up and to continue believing. i dont feel you near at all and i really want to give up, tempted to give up this faith, to give up trying again and again. my heart's pained by your silence. this was supposed to be the moment where you were supposed to be my source and my strength. yet where have you been? i have been trying; i really have been searching. but all this seeking has just left me empty.
(i have a knack of taking things of caleb's blog. this is rather lengthy and all, but if you do have time, esp guys, go ahead and read. its good food for the soul.)
THWARTING THE FALSE SELF
From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them. Stuart found he was good at math and science. He shut down his heart and spent all his energies perfecting his 'Spock' persona. There, in the academy, he was safe; he was also recognized and rewarded. Alex was good at sports and the whole macho image; he became a glass-eating animal. Stan became the nicest guy you could ever meet. 'In the story of my life,' he admitted, 'I want to be seen as the Nice Guy.' I became a hard-changing perfectionist; there, in my perfection, I found safety and recognition. 'When I was eight,' confesses Brennan Manning, 'the impostor, or false self , was born as a defense against pain. The impostor within whispered, 'Brennnan, don't ever be your real self anymore because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know.' Notice the key phrase: 'as a defense against pain,' as a way of saving himself. The impostor is our plan for salvation.
So God must take it all away. This often happens at the start of our initiation journey. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self. In the last chapter I told you of Brad's plan for self-redemption: he would belong to the 'inside group.' Even after it failed him time and again, breaking his heart over and over, he wouldn't give it up. He simply thought his aim was off; if he found the Right group, then his plan would work. Our plan for redemption is hard to let go of; it clings to our hearts like an octopus. So what did God do for Brad? He took it all away. God brought Brad to the point where he thought he had found The group, and then God prevented him from maneuvering his way in. Brad wrote me a letter to describe what he as going through:
God has taken all that away, stripped me of all the things I used to earn people's admiration. I knew what he was up to. He put me in a place where my heart's deepest wounds and arrows - and sin - came out. As I was weeping all these pictures of what I want to belong to came up - speaker, counselor in a group- and it was as if Jesus asked me to give them up. What came from my heart was surprising - incredible Fear. And then the image of never getting them. A sentence arose in my heart: ' You want me to die! If I give those up then I'll never belong and be somebody. You are asking me to die.' It has been my hope of salvation.
Why would God do something so cruel? Why would he do something so terrible as to wound us in the place of our deepest wound? Jesus warned us that 'whoever wants to save his life will lose it' (Luke 9:24). Christ is not using the word bios here; he's not talking about our physical life. The passage is not about trying to save your skin by ducking martyrdom or something like that. The word Christ uses for 'life' is the word psyche - the word for our soul, our inner self, our heart. He says that the things we do to save our psyche, our self, those plans to save and protect our inner life - those are the things that will actually destroy us. 'There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death' says Proverbs 16:25. The false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a life, the whole plan is built on pretense. It's a deadly trap. God loves us way too much to leave us there. So he thwarts us, in many, many different ways.
In order to take a man into his wound, so that he can heal it and begin the release of the true self, God will thwart the false self. He will take away all that you've leaned upon to bring you life. In the movie The Natural, Robert Redford is a baseball player named Roy Hobbs, perhaps the most gifted baseball player ever. He's a high school wonder boy, a natural who gets a shot at the big leagues. But his dreams of a professional career are cut short when Hobbs is wrongly sentenced to prison for murder. Years later, an aging Hobbs gets a second chance. He's signed by the New York Knights - the worst team in the league. But through his incredible gift, untarnished by the years, Hobbs leads the Knights from ignominy to the play-off game for the National League pennant. He rallies the team, becomes the center of their hopes and dreams.
The climax of the film is the game for the championship. It's the bottom of the ninth; the score is Pittsburgh 2, Knights 0. The Knights have 2 outs; there's a man on first and third when Hobbs steps up to the plate. He's their only chance; this is his moment. Now, there's something you must know, something absolutely crucial to the story. Ever since his high school days, Hobbs has played with a bat he made himself from the heart of a tree felled by lighting in his front yard. Burned into the bat is a lightning bolt and the words 'wonder boy.' That bat is the symbol of his greatness, his giftedness. He has never, ever played with another. Clutching 'wonder boy', Hobbs steps to the plate. His first swing is a miss; his second is a foul ball high and behind. His third is a solid hit along the first-base line; it looks like a home run, but it also lands foul. As Hobbs returns to the plate, he sees his bat lying there...in pieces. It shattered on that last swing.
This is the critical moment in a man's life, when all he has counted on comes crashing down, when his golden bat breaks into pieces. His investments fail; his company lets him go; the church fires him; he is leveled by an illness; his wife walks out; his daughter turns up pregnant. What is he to do? Will he stay in the game? Will he shrink back to the dugout? Will he scramble to try to put things back together, as so many men do? The true test of a man, the beginning of his redemption, actually starts when he can no longer rely on what he's used all his life. The real journey begins when the false self fails. A moment that seems like an eternity passes as Hobbs stands there, holding the broken pieces, surveying the damage. The bat is beyond repair. Then he says to the bat boy, 'God pick me out a winner, Bobby.' He stays in the game and hits a home run to win the series.
God will take away our 'bat' as well. He will do something to thwart the false self. Stuart 'saved' himself by becoming emotionless. Last year his wife walked out on him. She's had it with his two-dimensional existence; what woman wants to be married to Spock? Alex recently suffered a series of panic attacks that left him almost unable to leave his home. The whole macho construct fell to the ground. At first, nobody could believe it; Alex couldn't believe it. He was invincible, the strongest guy you ever met. But it was built as a defense against the wound. Our loss doesn't have to be something so dramatic. A man may simply awaken one day to find himself lost, lost as Dante described himself: 'In the middle of the road of my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the true way was wholly lost.' That was the turning point in my life.
I went to Washington D.C, as a young man to try to make something of myself, to prove something, establish credibility. The damnable thing about it was, I succeeded. My giftedness worked against me by coming through for me. I was recognized and rewarded. But the whole experience felt like an act of survival - not something flowing out of a deep center, but something I had to prove, overcome, grasp. As Manning said of his own impostor, 'I studied hard, scored excellent grades, won a scholarship in high school, and was stalked every waking moment by the terror of abandonment and the sense that nobody was there for me.' At the end of the two years I woke one morning and realized i hated my life.
How many helps thou giv'st to those who would learn!
To some sore pain, to others a sinking heart;
To some a weariness worse than any smart;
To some a haunting, fearing, blind concern;
Madness to some; to some the shaking dart
Of hideous death still following as they turn;
To some a hunger that will not depart
To some thou giv'st a deep unrest - a scorn
Of all they are or see upon the earth;
A gaze, at dusky night and clearning morn,
as on a land of emptiness and dearth;
To some a bitter sorrow; to some the sting
Of love misprized - of sick abandoning;
To some a frozen heart, oh, worse than anything!
The messengers of Satan think to mar,
But make - driving the soul from false to feal -
To thee, the reconciler, the one real,
In whom alone the would be and the is are met.
(George MacDonald, Diary of an Old Soul)
This is a very dangerous moment, when God seems set against everything that has meant life to us. Satan spies his opportunity, and leaps to accuse God in our hearts. You see, he says, God is angry with you. He's disappointed in you. If he loved you he would make things smoother. He's not out for your best, you know. The Enemy always tempts us back toward control, to recover and rebuild the false self. We must remember that is is out of love that God thwarts our impostor. As Hebrews reminds us, it is the son whom God disciplines, therefore do not lose heart. (12:5-6).
God thwarts us to save us. We think it will destroy us, but the opposite is true - we must be saved from what really will destroy us. If we would walk with him in our journey of masculine initiation, we must walk away from the false self - set it down, give it up willingly. It feels crazy; it feels immensely vulnerable. Brad has topped looking for the group. Stuart has begun to open his heart up to emotion, to relationship, to all that he buried so long ago. Alex stopped 'eating glass,' stopped the whole macho thing to face what he had never faced inside. I gave up perfectionism, left Washington, and went looking for my heart. We simply accept the invitation to leave all that we've relied on and venture of out with God. We can choose to do it ourselves, or we can wait for God to bring it all down.
If you have no clue as to what your false self may be, then a starting point would be to ask those you live with and work with, 'What is my effect on you? Wham am I like to live with (or work with)? What Don't you feel free to bring up with me?' If you never, ever say a word in a meeting because you fear you might say something stupid, well then, it's time to speak up. If all you ever do is dominate a meeting because your sense of self worth comes from being in charge, then you need to shut up for a while. If you've run to sports because you feel best about yourself there, then it's probably tome to give it a rest and stay home with your family. If you never play any game with other men, then it's time you go down to the gym with the guys and play some hoops. In other words, you face your fears head- on. Drop the fig leaf; come out from hiding. For how long? Longer than you want to; long enough to raise the deeper issues, let the wound surface from beneath it all.
Losing the false self is painful; though it's a mask, it's one we've worn for years and losing it can feel like losing a close friend. Underneath the mask is all the heart and fear we've been running from, hiding from. To let it come to the surface can shake us like an earthquake. Brad felt as if he was going to die, you may too. Or you may feel like Andy Gullahorn, who wrote the song 'Steel Bars' from Old Hat (© 1997 by Andy Gullahorn):
So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
But this is not the end of the road; it's the trailhead.
What you are journeying toward is freedom, healing, and authenticity.
Listen to the next part of Andy's song:
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break the chains that enslave my soul
WALKING AWAY FROM THE WOMAN
As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, those places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to the woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well. I do not mean you leave your wife. I mean to stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her. For some men, this may mean disappointing her. If you've been a passive man, tiptoeing around your wife for years, never doing anything to rock the boat, then it's time to rock it. Stand up to her; get her mad at you. For those of you violent men (including achievers), it means you stop abusing her. You release her as the object of your anger because you release her as the one who was supposed to be make you a man. Repentance for a driven man means you become kind. Both types are still going to the woman. Repentance depends on which way you've approached her.
But I have counseled many young men to break up with the woman they were dating because they had made her their life. She was the sun of his universe, around which he orbited. A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. Only then is he fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into. A friend tells me that in the Masai tribe in Africa, a young man cannot court a woman until he has killed a lion. That's their way of saying, until he has been initiated. I have seen far too many young men commit a kind of emotional promiscuity with a young woman. He will pursue her, not to offer his strength but to drink from her beauty, to be affirmed by her and feel like a man. They will share deep, intimate conversations. But he will not commit; he is Unable to commit. This is very unfair to the young lady. After a year of this sort of relationship a dear friend said, 'I never felt secure in what I meant to him.'
When we feel the pull toward the golden-haired woman, we must recognize that something deeper is at play. As Bly says,
What does it men when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone...he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some women a lot of trouble. (Iron John)
Again, this is not permission to divorce. A man who has married a woman has made her a solemn pledge; he can never heal his wound by delivering another to the one he promised to love. Sometimes she will leave him; that is another story. Too many men run after her, begging her not to go. If she has to go, it is probably because you have some soul work to do. What I am saying is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength; he goes to her to offer it. You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as a great man you do not need the woman. As Augustine said, 'Let my soul praise you for all these beauties, but let it not attach itself to them by the trap of love,' the trap of addiction because we've taken our soul to her for validation.
But there is an even deeper issue than our question. What else is it we are seeking from the Woman with the Golden Hair? What is that ache we are trying to assuage with her? Mercy, comfort, beauty, ecstasy - in a word, God. I'm serious. What we are looking for is God.
There was a time when Adam drank deeply from the source of all Love. He - our first father and archetype - lived in an unbroken communion with the most captivating, beautiful and intoxicating Source of life in the universe. Adam had God. True, it was not good for man to be alone, and God in his humility gave us Eve, allowed us to need her as well. But something happened at the Fall; something Shifted. Eve took the place of God in a man's life. Let me explain.
Adam was not deceived by the serpent. Did you know that? Paul makes it clear in 1 Timothy 2:14 - Adam did not fall because he was deceived. His sin was different; in some ways, it was more serious in that he did it with open eyes. We do not know how long it lasted, but there was a moment in Eden when Eve was fallen and Adam was not, she had eaten, but he yet had a choice. I believe something took place in his heart that went like this: I have lost my ezer kenegdo, my soul mate, the most vital companion I've known. I do not know what life will be like, but I know I cannot live without her.
Adam chose Eve over God.
If you think I exaggerate, simply look around. Look at all the art, poetry, music, drama devoted to the beautiful woman. Listen to the language men use to describe her. Watch the powerful obsession at work. What else can this be but Worship? Men come into the world without the God who was our deepest joy, our ecstasy. Aching for we know not what, we meet Eve's daughters and we are history. She is the closest thing we've ever encountered, the pinnacle of creation, the very embodiment of God's beauty and mystery and tenderness and allure. And what goes out to her is not just our longing for Eve, but our longing for God as well. A man without his true love, his life, his God, will find another. What better substitute than Eve's daughters? Nothing else in creation even comes close.
To a young man who had ever been without a girlfriend since the eighth grade, I have the advice that he should break up, call off the dating for one year. From the look on his face you'd have thought I told him to cut off his arm... or something worse. Do you see what is at work here? Notice that the struggle with pornography or masturbation is most difficult when you are lonely, or beat up, or longing for comfort in some way. This will become more intense as you get closer to your wound. The longing for the ache to go away, and pull toward other comforters can seem overwhelming. I've watched it in many men. I know it in myself. But if this is the water you are truly thirsty for, then why do you remain thirsty after you've had a drink? It's the wrong well.
We must reverse Adam's choice; we must choose God over Eve. We must take our ache to him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound.'
Wild at Heart
John Elderdge
(
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
6:18 PM )
the lights have been spoilt for two weeks alr, and I'm getting quite bored of it. I got quite a few cool new ideas but have yet to try it.
SPA is this tues and thurs. they account for 7.5% of my a level grade, so I guess I have to take it really seriously. I'm confident of my the actual experiment, but it's the questions and theory part that im not certain about. I cant quite get the chemistry behind potassium carbonate double titrations..
on the other hand, I NEED TO SLEEP!
ahhhh, fifteen august two o o nine, holland village bus stop. hahahaha
(
Sunday, August 16, 2009
5:41 AM )
Stand Still by Leeland
Broken hands and tattered clothes
Off the sides of busy roads
These are people, these are souls and
Their help's in our control
But "busy roads" is where we stay
Busy lives is just the way
How we live life today
Am I the only one afraid?
Chorus:
We're moving too fast and it's blinding us
The speed that we're in is just too quick for love
There's so many problems that we could fix
If stopping is all that we do in their midst
It's enough to feel
All the pain in the world that needs to be healed
If we just Stand Still
The love of God is in the streets
In the people that we meet
On the faces of the weak
We look and see God's strength
And are there any who will go
Forsaking lands and leaving homes
All so broken hearts may know that
God will mend their souls
We need to look around us
OKAY WAIT THIS IS EPIC.
jolena. says:
what's 1+1?
jim † says:
oh my gosh
TWO
(
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
9:45 PM )
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
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my comp is dying on me.
2 thumbdrives, 2 days of madness.
and i never liked anti virus programs cos they mess up my com. and apparently it has ALREADY messed up my comp. just to get rid of those pesky viruses. at least now everything is working kinda fine. i have just yet to get my vuze and itunes working. thats all. not that bad eh. im quite good with solving this kinda stuff.
(
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
12:24 AM )
happy month number 2. thank you for everything :D
(
Thursday, October 15, 2009
12:58 AM )
caught 2 movies online today: 500 days of summer and the ugly truth.
the ugly truth was a good laugh. idealistic, funny and typical-happily-live-ever-after movie.
500 days of summer was alot better. it was one of those movies that, after you watch, you will remember for a loong loong time because its intriguing. (reminds me of the prestige) heh. it portrays what really happens in real life. it bridges the gap between the screen and the viewer. awesome movie. a really notable quote from it, and the topic is on greeting cards.
"we're all liars. we buy cards because we cant say how we feel. aint love grand? cards, pop songs, movies are a bunch of lies. people should be able to say how they feel. how they really feel, not some words that some strangers put on paper." that really captured the continous questioning of what life is all about. we have become inanimate objects; we can only do things. why can we not talk anymore? have we really lost our interpersonal ability to speak, to mean what we say? movies can be powerful, i admit.
(
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
9:46 PM )
lightings for christmas! :D
new phone! :D
exams over! :D
soccer training! :D
life has been full of smiles recently.
(
Sunday, October 11, 2009
11:41 PM )
good stuff should be shared with the world. :D despite promos being a few days away.
(
Sunday, October 04, 2009
8:29 PM )
here's my progress so far.
for chem I got electrochem and chem kinetics. eith every other chapter still untouched..
for maths I think I got functions, definite integrals, integration covered.
for bio I just finished diversity and evolution today. still trying to catch viruses and rememer the various viruses.
that's all that i've covered, and today is monday. I've got a loooooong crazy week ahead......
(
Monday, September 28, 2009
9:43 PM )
there are days when everything is just perfect , and your day could not be any better.you are happy and contented and couldnt ask for more.
but there are days when everything is just wrong. beaten down, crushed, depressed, persecuted, abandoned, struck down, destroyed, flattened with no hope. you wished there was just something to be happy about, searching for something to smile about. but theres simply just nothing to smile about.
and today is one of those days.
(
Thursday, September 24, 2009
3:41 PM )
God only You understand.
(
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
7:16 AM )
Punctuality is the art of guessing how late the other guy is gonna be.
hahahahahahahahhaha.
(
Monday, September 21, 2009
7:10 PM )
Life is like a Cup of Coffee
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups have been taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of life we live.
Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee. Savor the coffee, not the cups! The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
(
Sunday, September 13, 2009
8:36 PM )
With Everything
Open our eyes
To see the things that make Your heart cry
To be the church that You would desire
Your light to be seen
Break down our pride
And all the walls we’ve built up inside
Our earthly crowns and all our desires
We lay at Your feet
Let hope rise
And darkness tremble
In Your holy light
That every eye will see
Jesus our God
Great and mighty to be praised
God of all days
Glorious in all of Your ways
Oh the majesty the wonder and grace
In the light of Your Name
With everything
With everything
We will shout for Your glory
With everything
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
Our hearts they cry
Be glorified
Be lifted high above all names
For You our King
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
i realise this song has been an inspiration to many parts of my life. literally. the song is and always will be one of my favourites. and of course. the bible verse after the song ends as well.
(
Thursday, September 10, 2009
11:06 PM )
5-1 against VS.
my first goal ever in ACJC. wooooohoooo. it was a weak but placement shot into the bottom corner. assisted by felix's good through ball.
soccer makes me happy. but scoring gives an out-of-this-world-impossible-to-describe feeling.
(
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
10:50 PM )
jim is looking forward to friday. =D
(
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
8:59 PM )
wendy has flown off. finally.
I have been dreading this day for the past year, and I guess the reality hasnt hit me yet. im gonna be optimistic; its not like she died or anything, but it's gonna be so different without a best friend and confidant. I know it will finally hit me, but I just dunno when and how.
i don't want to go on blogging in self-pity. so I guess thats it for now.
(
Saturday, August 29, 2009
12:51 AM )
yesterday was one of the most fun and craziest times of my life. what a wonderful day. it was kinda funny hanging out w people whom you hardly hang out with, like for example yifeng, trevor and matt. jumana has her rather irritating new english accent without singlish. siti's been long time no see, and it was kinda weird cos I was the only person from ac. just something I'm not used to.l
it was such an anticlimax coming back to school routine today. facing tutorial after lecture after tutorial after lecture, life seemed so surreal to just sit down and have some fun with the best people in the world. hahahahahahahahahahaha
life has been such a rollercoaster. exciting but highly unpredictable.
(
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
11:17 PM )
how many times, is it when you feel that God is silent, the circumstances are routine and monotonous, do you feel that God is actually doing a work in you? it has been very long, God. sometimes, it really takes a conscious and dying effort not to give up and to continue believing. i dont feel you near at all and i really want to give up, tempted to give up this faith, to give up trying again and again. my heart's pained by your silence. this was supposed to be the moment where you were supposed to be my source and my strength. yet where have you been? i have been trying; i really have been searching. but all this seeking has just left me empty.
(i have a knack of taking things of caleb's blog. this is rather lengthy and all, but if you do have time, esp guys, go ahead and read. its good food for the soul.)
THWARTING THE FALSE SELF
From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them. Stuart found he was good at math and science. He shut down his heart and spent all his energies perfecting his 'Spock' persona. There, in the academy, he was safe; he was also recognized and rewarded. Alex was good at sports and the whole macho image; he became a glass-eating animal. Stan became the nicest guy you could ever meet. 'In the story of my life,' he admitted, 'I want to be seen as the Nice Guy.' I became a hard-changing perfectionist; there, in my perfection, I found safety and recognition. 'When I was eight,' confesses Brennan Manning, 'the impostor, or false self , was born as a defense against pain. The impostor within whispered, 'Brennnan, don't ever be your real self anymore because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know.' Notice the key phrase: 'as a defense against pain,' as a way of saving himself. The impostor is our plan for salvation.
So God must take it all away. This often happens at the start of our initiation journey. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self. In the last chapter I told you of Brad's plan for self-redemption: he would belong to the 'inside group.' Even after it failed him time and again, breaking his heart over and over, he wouldn't give it up. He simply thought his aim was off; if he found the Right group, then his plan would work. Our plan for redemption is hard to let go of; it clings to our hearts like an octopus. So what did God do for Brad? He took it all away. God brought Brad to the point where he thought he had found The group, and then God prevented him from maneuvering his way in. Brad wrote me a letter to describe what he as going through:
God has taken all that away, stripped me of all the things I used to earn people's admiration. I knew what he was up to. He put me in a place where my heart's deepest wounds and arrows - and sin - came out. As I was weeping all these pictures of what I want to belong to came up - speaker, counselor in a group- and it was as if Jesus asked me to give them up. What came from my heart was surprising - incredible Fear. And then the image of never getting them. A sentence arose in my heart: ' You want me to die! If I give those up then I'll never belong and be somebody. You are asking me to die.' It has been my hope of salvation.
Why would God do something so cruel? Why would he do something so terrible as to wound us in the place of our deepest wound? Jesus warned us that 'whoever wants to save his life will lose it' (Luke 9:24). Christ is not using the word bios here; he's not talking about our physical life. The passage is not about trying to save your skin by ducking martyrdom or something like that. The word Christ uses for 'life' is the word psyche - the word for our soul, our inner self, our heart. He says that the things we do to save our psyche, our self, those plans to save and protect our inner life - those are the things that will actually destroy us. 'There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death' says Proverbs 16:25. The false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a life, the whole plan is built on pretense. It's a deadly trap. God loves us way too much to leave us there. So he thwarts us, in many, many different ways.
In order to take a man into his wound, so that he can heal it and begin the release of the true self, God will thwart the false self. He will take away all that you've leaned upon to bring you life. In the movie The Natural, Robert Redford is a baseball player named Roy Hobbs, perhaps the most gifted baseball player ever. He's a high school wonder boy, a natural who gets a shot at the big leagues. But his dreams of a professional career are cut short when Hobbs is wrongly sentenced to prison for murder. Years later, an aging Hobbs gets a second chance. He's signed by the New York Knights - the worst team in the league. But through his incredible gift, untarnished by the years, Hobbs leads the Knights from ignominy to the play-off game for the National League pennant. He rallies the team, becomes the center of their hopes and dreams.
The climax of the film is the game for the championship. It's the bottom of the ninth; the score is Pittsburgh 2, Knights 0. The Knights have 2 outs; there's a man on first and third when Hobbs steps up to the plate. He's their only chance; this is his moment. Now, there's something you must know, something absolutely crucial to the story. Ever since his high school days, Hobbs has played with a bat he made himself from the heart of a tree felled by lighting in his front yard. Burned into the bat is a lightning bolt and the words 'wonder boy.' That bat is the symbol of his greatness, his giftedness. He has never, ever played with another. Clutching 'wonder boy', Hobbs steps to the plate. His first swing is a miss; his second is a foul ball high and behind. His third is a solid hit along the first-base line; it looks like a home run, but it also lands foul. As Hobbs returns to the plate, he sees his bat lying there...in pieces. It shattered on that last swing.
This is the critical moment in a man's life, when all he has counted on comes crashing down, when his golden bat breaks into pieces. His investments fail; his company lets him go; the church fires him; he is leveled by an illness; his wife walks out; his daughter turns up pregnant. What is he to do? Will he stay in the game? Will he shrink back to the dugout? Will he scramble to try to put things back together, as so many men do? The true test of a man, the beginning of his redemption, actually starts when he can no longer rely on what he's used all his life. The real journey begins when the false self fails. A moment that seems like an eternity passes as Hobbs stands there, holding the broken pieces, surveying the damage. The bat is beyond repair. Then he says to the bat boy, 'God pick me out a winner, Bobby.' He stays in the game and hits a home run to win the series.
God will take away our 'bat' as well. He will do something to thwart the false self. Stuart 'saved' himself by becoming emotionless. Last year his wife walked out on him. She's had it with his two-dimensional existence; what woman wants to be married to Spock? Alex recently suffered a series of panic attacks that left him almost unable to leave his home. The whole macho construct fell to the ground. At first, nobody could believe it; Alex couldn't believe it. He was invincible, the strongest guy you ever met. But it was built as a defense against the wound. Our loss doesn't have to be something so dramatic. A man may simply awaken one day to find himself lost, lost as Dante described himself: 'In the middle of the road of my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the true way was wholly lost.' That was the turning point in my life.
I went to Washington D.C, as a young man to try to make something of myself, to prove something, establish credibility. The damnable thing about it was, I succeeded. My giftedness worked against me by coming through for me. I was recognized and rewarded. But the whole experience felt like an act of survival - not something flowing out of a deep center, but something I had to prove, overcome, grasp. As Manning said of his own impostor, 'I studied hard, scored excellent grades, won a scholarship in high school, and was stalked every waking moment by the terror of abandonment and the sense that nobody was there for me.' At the end of the two years I woke one morning and realized i hated my life.
How many helps thou giv'st to those who would learn!
To some sore pain, to others a sinking heart;
To some a weariness worse than any smart;
To some a haunting, fearing, blind concern;
Madness to some; to some the shaking dart
Of hideous death still following as they turn;
To some a hunger that will not depart
To some thou giv'st a deep unrest - a scorn
Of all they are or see upon the earth;
A gaze, at dusky night and clearning morn,
as on a land of emptiness and dearth;
To some a bitter sorrow; to some the sting
Of love misprized - of sick abandoning;
To some a frozen heart, oh, worse than anything!
The messengers of Satan think to mar,
But make - driving the soul from false to feal -
To thee, the reconciler, the one real,
In whom alone the would be and the is are met.
(George MacDonald, Diary of an Old Soul)
This is a very dangerous moment, when God seems set against everything that has meant life to us. Satan spies his opportunity, and leaps to accuse God in our hearts. You see, he says, God is angry with you. He's disappointed in you. If he loved you he would make things smoother. He's not out for your best, you know. The Enemy always tempts us back toward control, to recover and rebuild the false self. We must remember that is is out of love that God thwarts our impostor. As Hebrews reminds us, it is the son whom God disciplines, therefore do not lose heart. (12:5-6).
God thwarts us to save us. We think it will destroy us, but the opposite is true - we must be saved from what really will destroy us. If we would walk with him in our journey of masculine initiation, we must walk away from the false self - set it down, give it up willingly. It feels crazy; it feels immensely vulnerable. Brad has topped looking for the group. Stuart has begun to open his heart up to emotion, to relationship, to all that he buried so long ago. Alex stopped 'eating glass,' stopped the whole macho thing to face what he had never faced inside. I gave up perfectionism, left Washington, and went looking for my heart. We simply accept the invitation to leave all that we've relied on and venture of out with God. We can choose to do it ourselves, or we can wait for God to bring it all down.
If you have no clue as to what your false self may be, then a starting point would be to ask those you live with and work with, 'What is my effect on you? Wham am I like to live with (or work with)? What Don't you feel free to bring up with me?' If you never, ever say a word in a meeting because you fear you might say something stupid, well then, it's time to speak up. If all you ever do is dominate a meeting because your sense of self worth comes from being in charge, then you need to shut up for a while. If you've run to sports because you feel best about yourself there, then it's probably tome to give it a rest and stay home with your family. If you never play any game with other men, then it's time you go down to the gym with the guys and play some hoops. In other words, you face your fears head- on. Drop the fig leaf; come out from hiding. For how long? Longer than you want to; long enough to raise the deeper issues, let the wound surface from beneath it all.
Losing the false self is painful; though it's a mask, it's one we've worn for years and losing it can feel like losing a close friend. Underneath the mask is all the heart and fear we've been running from, hiding from. To let it come to the surface can shake us like an earthquake. Brad felt as if he was going to die, you may too. Or you may feel like Andy Gullahorn, who wrote the song 'Steel Bars' from Old Hat (© 1997 by Andy Gullahorn):
So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
But this is not the end of the road; it's the trailhead.
What you are journeying toward is freedom, healing, and authenticity.
Listen to the next part of Andy's song:
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break the chains that enslave my soul
WALKING AWAY FROM THE WOMAN
As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, those places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to the woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well. I do not mean you leave your wife. I mean to stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her. For some men, this may mean disappointing her. If you've been a passive man, tiptoeing around your wife for years, never doing anything to rock the boat, then it's time to rock it. Stand up to her; get her mad at you. For those of you violent men (including achievers), it means you stop abusing her. You release her as the object of your anger because you release her as the one who was supposed to be make you a man. Repentance for a driven man means you become kind. Both types are still going to the woman. Repentance depends on which way you've approached her.
But I have counseled many young men to break up with the woman they were dating because they had made her their life. She was the sun of his universe, around which he orbited. A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. Only then is he fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into. A friend tells me that in the Masai tribe in Africa, a young man cannot court a woman until he has killed a lion. That's their way of saying, until he has been initiated. I have seen far too many young men commit a kind of emotional promiscuity with a young woman. He will pursue her, not to offer his strength but to drink from her beauty, to be affirmed by her and feel like a man. They will share deep, intimate conversations. But he will not commit; he is Unable to commit. This is very unfair to the young lady. After a year of this sort of relationship a dear friend said, 'I never felt secure in what I meant to him.'
When we feel the pull toward the golden-haired woman, we must recognize that something deeper is at play. As Bly says,
What does it men when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone...he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some women a lot of trouble. (Iron John)
Again, this is not permission to divorce. A man who has married a woman has made her a solemn pledge; he can never heal his wound by delivering another to the one he promised to love. Sometimes she will leave him; that is another story. Too many men run after her, begging her not to go. If she has to go, it is probably because you have some soul work to do. What I am saying is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength; he goes to her to offer it. You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as a great man you do not need the woman. As Augustine said, 'Let my soul praise you for all these beauties, but let it not attach itself to them by the trap of love,' the trap of addiction because we've taken our soul to her for validation.
But there is an even deeper issue than our question. What else is it we are seeking from the Woman with the Golden Hair? What is that ache we are trying to assuage with her? Mercy, comfort, beauty, ecstasy - in a word, God. I'm serious. What we are looking for is God.
There was a time when Adam drank deeply from the source of all Love. He - our first father and archetype - lived in an unbroken communion with the most captivating, beautiful and intoxicating Source of life in the universe. Adam had God. True, it was not good for man to be alone, and God in his humility gave us Eve, allowed us to need her as well. But something happened at the Fall; something Shifted. Eve took the place of God in a man's life. Let me explain.
Adam was not deceived by the serpent. Did you know that? Paul makes it clear in 1 Timothy 2:14 - Adam did not fall because he was deceived. His sin was different; in some ways, it was more serious in that he did it with open eyes. We do not know how long it lasted, but there was a moment in Eden when Eve was fallen and Adam was not, she had eaten, but he yet had a choice. I believe something took place in his heart that went like this: I have lost my ezer kenegdo, my soul mate, the most vital companion I've known. I do not know what life will be like, but I know I cannot live without her.
Adam chose Eve over God.
If you think I exaggerate, simply look around. Look at all the art, poetry, music, drama devoted to the beautiful woman. Listen to the language men use to describe her. Watch the powerful obsession at work. What else can this be but Worship? Men come into the world without the God who was our deepest joy, our ecstasy. Aching for we know not what, we meet Eve's daughters and we are history. She is the closest thing we've ever encountered, the pinnacle of creation, the very embodiment of God's beauty and mystery and tenderness and allure. And what goes out to her is not just our longing for Eve, but our longing for God as well. A man without his true love, his life, his God, will find another. What better substitute than Eve's daughters? Nothing else in creation even comes close.
To a young man who had ever been without a girlfriend since the eighth grade, I have the advice that he should break up, call off the dating for one year. From the look on his face you'd have thought I told him to cut off his arm... or something worse. Do you see what is at work here? Notice that the struggle with pornography or masturbation is most difficult when you are lonely, or beat up, or longing for comfort in some way. This will become more intense as you get closer to your wound. The longing for the ache to go away, and pull toward other comforters can seem overwhelming. I've watched it in many men. I know it in myself. But if this is the water you are truly thirsty for, then why do you remain thirsty after you've had a drink? It's the wrong well.
We must reverse Adam's choice; we must choose God over Eve. We must take our ache to him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound.'
Wild at Heart
John Elderdge
(
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
6:18 PM )
the lights have been spoilt for two weeks alr, and I'm getting quite bored of it. I got quite a few cool new ideas but have yet to try it.
SPA is this tues and thurs. they account for 7.5% of my a level grade, so I guess I have to take it really seriously. I'm confident of my the actual experiment, but it's the questions and theory part that im not certain about. I cant quite get the chemistry behind potassium carbonate double titrations..
on the other hand, I NEED TO SLEEP!
ahhhh, fifteen august two o o nine, holland village bus stop. hahahaha
(
Sunday, August 16, 2009
5:41 AM )
Stand Still by Leeland
Broken hands and tattered clothes
Off the sides of busy roads
These are people, these are souls and
Their help's in our control
But "busy roads" is where we stay
Busy lives is just the way
How we live life today
Am I the only one afraid?
Chorus:
We're moving too fast and it's blinding us
The speed that we're in is just too quick for love
There's so many problems that we could fix
If stopping is all that we do in their midst
It's enough to feel
All the pain in the world that needs to be healed
If we just Stand Still
The love of God is in the streets
In the people that we meet
On the faces of the weak
We look and see God's strength
And are there any who will go
Forsaking lands and leaving homes
All so broken hearts may know that
God will mend their souls
We need to look around us
OKAY WAIT THIS IS EPIC.
jolena. says:
what's 1+1?
jim † says:
oh my gosh
TWO
(
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
9:45 PM )
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
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happy month number 2. thank you for everything :D
(
Thursday, October 15, 2009
12:58 AM )
caught 2 movies online today: 500 days of summer and the ugly truth.
the ugly truth was a good laugh. idealistic, funny and typical-happily-live-ever-after movie.
500 days of summer was alot better. it was one of those movies that, after you watch, you will remember for a loong loong time because its intriguing. (reminds me of the prestige) heh. it portrays what really happens in real life. it bridges the gap between the screen and the viewer. awesome movie. a really notable quote from it, and the topic is on greeting cards.
"we're all liars. we buy cards because we cant say how we feel. aint love grand? cards, pop songs, movies are a bunch of lies. people should be able to say how they feel. how they really feel, not some words that some strangers put on paper." that really captured the continous questioning of what life is all about. we have become inanimate objects; we can only do things. why can we not talk anymore? have we really lost our interpersonal ability to speak, to mean what we say? movies can be powerful, i admit.
(
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
9:46 PM )
lightings for christmas! :D
new phone! :D
exams over! :D
soccer training! :D
life has been full of smiles recently.
(
Sunday, October 11, 2009
11:41 PM )
good stuff should be shared with the world. :D despite promos being a few days away.
(
Sunday, October 04, 2009
8:29 PM )
here's my progress so far.
for chem I got electrochem and chem kinetics. eith every other chapter still untouched..
for maths I think I got functions, definite integrals, integration covered.
for bio I just finished diversity and evolution today. still trying to catch viruses and rememer the various viruses.
that's all that i've covered, and today is monday. I've got a loooooong crazy week ahead......
(
Monday, September 28, 2009
9:43 PM )
there are days when everything is just perfect , and your day could not be any better.you are happy and contented and couldnt ask for more.
but there are days when everything is just wrong. beaten down, crushed, depressed, persecuted, abandoned, struck down, destroyed, flattened with no hope. you wished there was just something to be happy about, searching for something to smile about. but theres simply just nothing to smile about.
and today is one of those days.
(
Thursday, September 24, 2009
3:41 PM )
God only You understand.
(
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
7:16 AM )
Punctuality is the art of guessing how late the other guy is gonna be.
hahahahahahahahhaha.
(
Monday, September 21, 2009
7:10 PM )
Life is like a Cup of Coffee
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups have been taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of life we live.
Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee. Savor the coffee, not the cups! The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
(
Sunday, September 13, 2009
8:36 PM )
With Everything
Open our eyes
To see the things that make Your heart cry
To be the church that You would desire
Your light to be seen
Break down our pride
And all the walls we’ve built up inside
Our earthly crowns and all our desires
We lay at Your feet
Let hope rise
And darkness tremble
In Your holy light
That every eye will see
Jesus our God
Great and mighty to be praised
God of all days
Glorious in all of Your ways
Oh the majesty the wonder and grace
In the light of Your Name
With everything
With everything
We will shout for Your glory
With everything
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
Our hearts they cry
Be glorified
Be lifted high above all names
For You our King
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
i realise this song has been an inspiration to many parts of my life. literally. the song is and always will be one of my favourites. and of course. the bible verse after the song ends as well.
(
Thursday, September 10, 2009
11:06 PM )
5-1 against VS.
my first goal ever in ACJC. wooooohoooo. it was a weak but placement shot into the bottom corner. assisted by felix's good through ball.
soccer makes me happy. but scoring gives an out-of-this-world-impossible-to-describe feeling.
(
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
10:50 PM )
jim is looking forward to friday. =D
(
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
8:59 PM )
wendy has flown off. finally.
I have been dreading this day for the past year, and I guess the reality hasnt hit me yet. im gonna be optimistic; its not like she died or anything, but it's gonna be so different without a best friend and confidant. I know it will finally hit me, but I just dunno when and how.
i don't want to go on blogging in self-pity. so I guess thats it for now.
(
Saturday, August 29, 2009
12:51 AM )
yesterday was one of the most fun and craziest times of my life. what a wonderful day. it was kinda funny hanging out w people whom you hardly hang out with, like for example yifeng, trevor and matt. jumana has her rather irritating new english accent without singlish. siti's been long time no see, and it was kinda weird cos I was the only person from ac. just something I'm not used to.l
it was such an anticlimax coming back to school routine today. facing tutorial after lecture after tutorial after lecture, life seemed so surreal to just sit down and have some fun with the best people in the world. hahahahahahahahahahaha
life has been such a rollercoaster. exciting but highly unpredictable.
(
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
11:17 PM )
how many times, is it when you feel that God is silent, the circumstances are routine and monotonous, do you feel that God is actually doing a work in you? it has been very long, God. sometimes, it really takes a conscious and dying effort not to give up and to continue believing. i dont feel you near at all and i really want to give up, tempted to give up this faith, to give up trying again and again. my heart's pained by your silence. this was supposed to be the moment where you were supposed to be my source and my strength. yet where have you been? i have been trying; i really have been searching. but all this seeking has just left me empty.
(i have a knack of taking things of caleb's blog. this is rather lengthy and all, but if you do have time, esp guys, go ahead and read. its good food for the soul.)
THWARTING THE FALSE SELF
From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them. Stuart found he was good at math and science. He shut down his heart and spent all his energies perfecting his 'Spock' persona. There, in the academy, he was safe; he was also recognized and rewarded. Alex was good at sports and the whole macho image; he became a glass-eating animal. Stan became the nicest guy you could ever meet. 'In the story of my life,' he admitted, 'I want to be seen as the Nice Guy.' I became a hard-changing perfectionist; there, in my perfection, I found safety and recognition. 'When I was eight,' confesses Brennan Manning, 'the impostor, or false self , was born as a defense against pain. The impostor within whispered, 'Brennnan, don't ever be your real self anymore because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know.' Notice the key phrase: 'as a defense against pain,' as a way of saving himself. The impostor is our plan for salvation.
So God must take it all away. This often happens at the start of our initiation journey. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self. In the last chapter I told you of Brad's plan for self-redemption: he would belong to the 'inside group.' Even after it failed him time and again, breaking his heart over and over, he wouldn't give it up. He simply thought his aim was off; if he found the Right group, then his plan would work. Our plan for redemption is hard to let go of; it clings to our hearts like an octopus. So what did God do for Brad? He took it all away. God brought Brad to the point where he thought he had found The group, and then God prevented him from maneuvering his way in. Brad wrote me a letter to describe what he as going through:
God has taken all that away, stripped me of all the things I used to earn people's admiration. I knew what he was up to. He put me in a place where my heart's deepest wounds and arrows - and sin - came out. As I was weeping all these pictures of what I want to belong to came up - speaker, counselor in a group- and it was as if Jesus asked me to give them up. What came from my heart was surprising - incredible Fear. And then the image of never getting them. A sentence arose in my heart: ' You want me to die! If I give those up then I'll never belong and be somebody. You are asking me to die.' It has been my hope of salvation.
Why would God do something so cruel? Why would he do something so terrible as to wound us in the place of our deepest wound? Jesus warned us that 'whoever wants to save his life will lose it' (Luke 9:24). Christ is not using the word bios here; he's not talking about our physical life. The passage is not about trying to save your skin by ducking martyrdom or something like that. The word Christ uses for 'life' is the word psyche - the word for our soul, our inner self, our heart. He says that the things we do to save our psyche, our self, those plans to save and protect our inner life - those are the things that will actually destroy us. 'There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death' says Proverbs 16:25. The false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a life, the whole plan is built on pretense. It's a deadly trap. God loves us way too much to leave us there. So he thwarts us, in many, many different ways.
In order to take a man into his wound, so that he can heal it and begin the release of the true self, God will thwart the false self. He will take away all that you've leaned upon to bring you life. In the movie The Natural, Robert Redford is a baseball player named Roy Hobbs, perhaps the most gifted baseball player ever. He's a high school wonder boy, a natural who gets a shot at the big leagues. But his dreams of a professional career are cut short when Hobbs is wrongly sentenced to prison for murder. Years later, an aging Hobbs gets a second chance. He's signed by the New York Knights - the worst team in the league. But through his incredible gift, untarnished by the years, Hobbs leads the Knights from ignominy to the play-off game for the National League pennant. He rallies the team, becomes the center of their hopes and dreams.
The climax of the film is the game for the championship. It's the bottom of the ninth; the score is Pittsburgh 2, Knights 0. The Knights have 2 outs; there's a man on first and third when Hobbs steps up to the plate. He's their only chance; this is his moment. Now, there's something you must know, something absolutely crucial to the story. Ever since his high school days, Hobbs has played with a bat he made himself from the heart of a tree felled by lighting in his front yard. Burned into the bat is a lightning bolt and the words 'wonder boy.' That bat is the symbol of his greatness, his giftedness. He has never, ever played with another. Clutching 'wonder boy', Hobbs steps to the plate. His first swing is a miss; his second is a foul ball high and behind. His third is a solid hit along the first-base line; it looks like a home run, but it also lands foul. As Hobbs returns to the plate, he sees his bat lying there...in pieces. It shattered on that last swing.
This is the critical moment in a man's life, when all he has counted on comes crashing down, when his golden bat breaks into pieces. His investments fail; his company lets him go; the church fires him; he is leveled by an illness; his wife walks out; his daughter turns up pregnant. What is he to do? Will he stay in the game? Will he shrink back to the dugout? Will he scramble to try to put things back together, as so many men do? The true test of a man, the beginning of his redemption, actually starts when he can no longer rely on what he's used all his life. The real journey begins when the false self fails. A moment that seems like an eternity passes as Hobbs stands there, holding the broken pieces, surveying the damage. The bat is beyond repair. Then he says to the bat boy, 'God pick me out a winner, Bobby.' He stays in the game and hits a home run to win the series.
God will take away our 'bat' as well. He will do something to thwart the false self. Stuart 'saved' himself by becoming emotionless. Last year his wife walked out on him. She's had it with his two-dimensional existence; what woman wants to be married to Spock? Alex recently suffered a series of panic attacks that left him almost unable to leave his home. The whole macho construct fell to the ground. At first, nobody could believe it; Alex couldn't believe it. He was invincible, the strongest guy you ever met. But it was built as a defense against the wound. Our loss doesn't have to be something so dramatic. A man may simply awaken one day to find himself lost, lost as Dante described himself: 'In the middle of the road of my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the true way was wholly lost.' That was the turning point in my life.
I went to Washington D.C, as a young man to try to make something of myself, to prove something, establish credibility. The damnable thing about it was, I succeeded. My giftedness worked against me by coming through for me. I was recognized and rewarded. But the whole experience felt like an act of survival - not something flowing out of a deep center, but something I had to prove, overcome, grasp. As Manning said of his own impostor, 'I studied hard, scored excellent grades, won a scholarship in high school, and was stalked every waking moment by the terror of abandonment and the sense that nobody was there for me.' At the end of the two years I woke one morning and realized i hated my life.
How many helps thou giv'st to those who would learn!
To some sore pain, to others a sinking heart;
To some a weariness worse than any smart;
To some a haunting, fearing, blind concern;
Madness to some; to some the shaking dart
Of hideous death still following as they turn;
To some a hunger that will not depart
To some thou giv'st a deep unrest - a scorn
Of all they are or see upon the earth;
A gaze, at dusky night and clearning morn,
as on a land of emptiness and dearth;
To some a bitter sorrow; to some the sting
Of love misprized - of sick abandoning;
To some a frozen heart, oh, worse than anything!
The messengers of Satan think to mar,
But make - driving the soul from false to feal -
To thee, the reconciler, the one real,
In whom alone the would be and the is are met.
(George MacDonald, Diary of an Old Soul)
This is a very dangerous moment, when God seems set against everything that has meant life to us. Satan spies his opportunity, and leaps to accuse God in our hearts. You see, he says, God is angry with you. He's disappointed in you. If he loved you he would make things smoother. He's not out for your best, you know. The Enemy always tempts us back toward control, to recover and rebuild the false self. We must remember that is is out of love that God thwarts our impostor. As Hebrews reminds us, it is the son whom God disciplines, therefore do not lose heart. (12:5-6).
God thwarts us to save us. We think it will destroy us, but the opposite is true - we must be saved from what really will destroy us. If we would walk with him in our journey of masculine initiation, we must walk away from the false self - set it down, give it up willingly. It feels crazy; it feels immensely vulnerable. Brad has topped looking for the group. Stuart has begun to open his heart up to emotion, to relationship, to all that he buried so long ago. Alex stopped 'eating glass,' stopped the whole macho thing to face what he had never faced inside. I gave up perfectionism, left Washington, and went looking for my heart. We simply accept the invitation to leave all that we've relied on and venture of out with God. We can choose to do it ourselves, or we can wait for God to bring it all down.
If you have no clue as to what your false self may be, then a starting point would be to ask those you live with and work with, 'What is my effect on you? Wham am I like to live with (or work with)? What Don't you feel free to bring up with me?' If you never, ever say a word in a meeting because you fear you might say something stupid, well then, it's time to speak up. If all you ever do is dominate a meeting because your sense of self worth comes from being in charge, then you need to shut up for a while. If you've run to sports because you feel best about yourself there, then it's probably tome to give it a rest and stay home with your family. If you never play any game with other men, then it's time you go down to the gym with the guys and play some hoops. In other words, you face your fears head- on. Drop the fig leaf; come out from hiding. For how long? Longer than you want to; long enough to raise the deeper issues, let the wound surface from beneath it all.
Losing the false self is painful; though it's a mask, it's one we've worn for years and losing it can feel like losing a close friend. Underneath the mask is all the heart and fear we've been running from, hiding from. To let it come to the surface can shake us like an earthquake. Brad felt as if he was going to die, you may too. Or you may feel like Andy Gullahorn, who wrote the song 'Steel Bars' from Old Hat (© 1997 by Andy Gullahorn):
So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
But this is not the end of the road; it's the trailhead.
What you are journeying toward is freedom, healing, and authenticity.
Listen to the next part of Andy's song:
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break the chains that enslave my soul
WALKING AWAY FROM THE WOMAN
As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, those places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to the woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well. I do not mean you leave your wife. I mean to stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her. For some men, this may mean disappointing her. If you've been a passive man, tiptoeing around your wife for years, never doing anything to rock the boat, then it's time to rock it. Stand up to her; get her mad at you. For those of you violent men (including achievers), it means you stop abusing her. You release her as the object of your anger because you release her as the one who was supposed to be make you a man. Repentance for a driven man means you become kind. Both types are still going to the woman. Repentance depends on which way you've approached her.
But I have counseled many young men to break up with the woman they were dating because they had made her their life. She was the sun of his universe, around which he orbited. A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. Only then is he fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into. A friend tells me that in the Masai tribe in Africa, a young man cannot court a woman until he has killed a lion. That's their way of saying, until he has been initiated. I have seen far too many young men commit a kind of emotional promiscuity with a young woman. He will pursue her, not to offer his strength but to drink from her beauty, to be affirmed by her and feel like a man. They will share deep, intimate conversations. But he will not commit; he is Unable to commit. This is very unfair to the young lady. After a year of this sort of relationship a dear friend said, 'I never felt secure in what I meant to him.'
When we feel the pull toward the golden-haired woman, we must recognize that something deeper is at play. As Bly says,
What does it men when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone...he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some women a lot of trouble. (Iron John)
Again, this is not permission to divorce. A man who has married a woman has made her a solemn pledge; he can never heal his wound by delivering another to the one he promised to love. Sometimes she will leave him; that is another story. Too many men run after her, begging her not to go. If she has to go, it is probably because you have some soul work to do. What I am saying is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength; he goes to her to offer it. You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as a great man you do not need the woman. As Augustine said, 'Let my soul praise you for all these beauties, but let it not attach itself to them by the trap of love,' the trap of addiction because we've taken our soul to her for validation.
But there is an even deeper issue than our question. What else is it we are seeking from the Woman with the Golden Hair? What is that ache we are trying to assuage with her? Mercy, comfort, beauty, ecstasy - in a word, God. I'm serious. What we are looking for is God.
There was a time when Adam drank deeply from the source of all Love. He - our first father and archetype - lived in an unbroken communion with the most captivating, beautiful and intoxicating Source of life in the universe. Adam had God. True, it was not good for man to be alone, and God in his humility gave us Eve, allowed us to need her as well. But something happened at the Fall; something Shifted. Eve took the place of God in a man's life. Let me explain.
Adam was not deceived by the serpent. Did you know that? Paul makes it clear in 1 Timothy 2:14 - Adam did not fall because he was deceived. His sin was different; in some ways, it was more serious in that he did it with open eyes. We do not know how long it lasted, but there was a moment in Eden when Eve was fallen and Adam was not, she had eaten, but he yet had a choice. I believe something took place in his heart that went like this: I have lost my ezer kenegdo, my soul mate, the most vital companion I've known. I do not know what life will be like, but I know I cannot live without her.
Adam chose Eve over God.
If you think I exaggerate, simply look around. Look at all the art, poetry, music, drama devoted to the beautiful woman. Listen to the language men use to describe her. Watch the powerful obsession at work. What else can this be but Worship? Men come into the world without the God who was our deepest joy, our ecstasy. Aching for we know not what, we meet Eve's daughters and we are history. She is the closest thing we've ever encountered, the pinnacle of creation, the very embodiment of God's beauty and mystery and tenderness and allure. And what goes out to her is not just our longing for Eve, but our longing for God as well. A man without his true love, his life, his God, will find another. What better substitute than Eve's daughters? Nothing else in creation even comes close.
To a young man who had ever been without a girlfriend since the eighth grade, I have the advice that he should break up, call off the dating for one year. From the look on his face you'd have thought I told him to cut off his arm... or something worse. Do you see what is at work here? Notice that the struggle with pornography or masturbation is most difficult when you are lonely, or beat up, or longing for comfort in some way. This will become more intense as you get closer to your wound. The longing for the ache to go away, and pull toward other comforters can seem overwhelming. I've watched it in many men. I know it in myself. But if this is the water you are truly thirsty for, then why do you remain thirsty after you've had a drink? It's the wrong well.
We must reverse Adam's choice; we must choose God over Eve. We must take our ache to him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound.'
Wild at Heart
John Elderdge
(
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
6:18 PM )
the lights have been spoilt for two weeks alr, and I'm getting quite bored of it. I got quite a few cool new ideas but have yet to try it.
SPA is this tues and thurs. they account for 7.5% of my a level grade, so I guess I have to take it really seriously. I'm confident of my the actual experiment, but it's the questions and theory part that im not certain about. I cant quite get the chemistry behind potassium carbonate double titrations..
on the other hand, I NEED TO SLEEP!
ahhhh, fifteen august two o o nine, holland village bus stop. hahahaha
(
Sunday, August 16, 2009
5:41 AM )
Stand Still by Leeland
Broken hands and tattered clothes
Off the sides of busy roads
These are people, these are souls and
Their help's in our control
But "busy roads" is where we stay
Busy lives is just the way
How we live life today
Am I the only one afraid?
Chorus:
We're moving too fast and it's blinding us
The speed that we're in is just too quick for love
There's so many problems that we could fix
If stopping is all that we do in their midst
It's enough to feel
All the pain in the world that needs to be healed
If we just Stand Still
The love of God is in the streets
In the people that we meet
On the faces of the weak
We look and see God's strength
And are there any who will go
Forsaking lands and leaving homes
All so broken hearts may know that
God will mend their souls
We need to look around us
OKAY WAIT THIS IS EPIC.
jolena. says:
what's 1+1?
jim † says:
oh my gosh
TWO
(
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
9:45 PM )
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
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caught 2 movies online today: 500 days of summer and the ugly truth.
the ugly truth was a good laugh. idealistic, funny and typical-happily-live-ever-after movie.
500 days of summer was alot better. it was one of those movies that, after you watch, you will remember for a loong loong time because its intriguing. (reminds me of the prestige) heh. it portrays what really happens in real life. it bridges the gap between the screen and the viewer. awesome movie. a really notable quote from it, and the topic is on greeting cards.
"we're all liars. we buy cards because we cant say how we feel. aint love grand? cards, pop songs, movies are a bunch of lies. people should be able to say how they feel. how they really feel, not some words that some strangers put on paper." that really captured the continous questioning of what life is all about. we have become inanimate objects; we can only do things. why can we not talk anymore? have we really lost our interpersonal ability to speak, to mean what we say? movies can be powerful, i admit.
(
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
9:46 PM )
lightings for christmas! :D
new phone! :D
exams over! :D
soccer training! :D
life has been full of smiles recently.
(
Sunday, October 11, 2009
11:41 PM )
good stuff should be shared with the world. :D despite promos being a few days away.
(
Sunday, October 04, 2009
8:29 PM )
here's my progress so far.
for chem I got electrochem and chem kinetics. eith every other chapter still untouched..
for maths I think I got functions, definite integrals, integration covered.
for bio I just finished diversity and evolution today. still trying to catch viruses and rememer the various viruses.
that's all that i've covered, and today is monday. I've got a loooooong crazy week ahead......
(
Monday, September 28, 2009
9:43 PM )
there are days when everything is just perfect , and your day could not be any better.you are happy and contented and couldnt ask for more.
but there are days when everything is just wrong. beaten down, crushed, depressed, persecuted, abandoned, struck down, destroyed, flattened with no hope. you wished there was just something to be happy about, searching for something to smile about. but theres simply just nothing to smile about.
and today is one of those days.
(
Thursday, September 24, 2009
3:41 PM )
God only You understand.
(
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
7:16 AM )
Punctuality is the art of guessing how late the other guy is gonna be.
hahahahahahahahhaha.
(
Monday, September 21, 2009
7:10 PM )
Life is like a Cup of Coffee
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups have been taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of life we live.
Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee. Savor the coffee, not the cups! The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
(
Sunday, September 13, 2009
8:36 PM )
With Everything
Open our eyes
To see the things that make Your heart cry
To be the church that You would desire
Your light to be seen
Break down our pride
And all the walls we’ve built up inside
Our earthly crowns and all our desires
We lay at Your feet
Let hope rise
And darkness tremble
In Your holy light
That every eye will see
Jesus our God
Great and mighty to be praised
God of all days
Glorious in all of Your ways
Oh the majesty the wonder and grace
In the light of Your Name
With everything
With everything
We will shout for Your glory
With everything
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
Our hearts they cry
Be glorified
Be lifted high above all names
For You our King
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
i realise this song has been an inspiration to many parts of my life. literally. the song is and always will be one of my favourites. and of course. the bible verse after the song ends as well.
(
Thursday, September 10, 2009
11:06 PM )
5-1 against VS.
my first goal ever in ACJC. wooooohoooo. it was a weak but placement shot into the bottom corner. assisted by felix's good through ball.
soccer makes me happy. but scoring gives an out-of-this-world-impossible-to-describe feeling.
(
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
10:50 PM )
jim is looking forward to friday. =D
(
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
8:59 PM )
wendy has flown off. finally.
I have been dreading this day for the past year, and I guess the reality hasnt hit me yet. im gonna be optimistic; its not like she died or anything, but it's gonna be so different without a best friend and confidant. I know it will finally hit me, but I just dunno when and how.
i don't want to go on blogging in self-pity. so I guess thats it for now.
(
Saturday, August 29, 2009
12:51 AM )
yesterday was one of the most fun and craziest times of my life. what a wonderful day. it was kinda funny hanging out w people whom you hardly hang out with, like for example yifeng, trevor and matt. jumana has her rather irritating new english accent without singlish. siti's been long time no see, and it was kinda weird cos I was the only person from ac. just something I'm not used to.l
it was such an anticlimax coming back to school routine today. facing tutorial after lecture after tutorial after lecture, life seemed so surreal to just sit down and have some fun with the best people in the world. hahahahahahahahahahaha
life has been such a rollercoaster. exciting but highly unpredictable.
(
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
11:17 PM )
how many times, is it when you feel that God is silent, the circumstances are routine and monotonous, do you feel that God is actually doing a work in you? it has been very long, God. sometimes, it really takes a conscious and dying effort not to give up and to continue believing. i dont feel you near at all and i really want to give up, tempted to give up this faith, to give up trying again and again. my heart's pained by your silence. this was supposed to be the moment where you were supposed to be my source and my strength. yet where have you been? i have been trying; i really have been searching. but all this seeking has just left me empty.
(i have a knack of taking things of caleb's blog. this is rather lengthy and all, but if you do have time, esp guys, go ahead and read. its good food for the soul.)
THWARTING THE FALSE SELF
From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them. Stuart found he was good at math and science. He shut down his heart and spent all his energies perfecting his 'Spock' persona. There, in the academy, he was safe; he was also recognized and rewarded. Alex was good at sports and the whole macho image; he became a glass-eating animal. Stan became the nicest guy you could ever meet. 'In the story of my life,' he admitted, 'I want to be seen as the Nice Guy.' I became a hard-changing perfectionist; there, in my perfection, I found safety and recognition. 'When I was eight,' confesses Brennan Manning, 'the impostor, or false self , was born as a defense against pain. The impostor within whispered, 'Brennnan, don't ever be your real self anymore because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know.' Notice the key phrase: 'as a defense against pain,' as a way of saving himself. The impostor is our plan for salvation.
So God must take it all away. This often happens at the start of our initiation journey. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self. In the last chapter I told you of Brad's plan for self-redemption: he would belong to the 'inside group.' Even after it failed him time and again, breaking his heart over and over, he wouldn't give it up. He simply thought his aim was off; if he found the Right group, then his plan would work. Our plan for redemption is hard to let go of; it clings to our hearts like an octopus. So what did God do for Brad? He took it all away. God brought Brad to the point where he thought he had found The group, and then God prevented him from maneuvering his way in. Brad wrote me a letter to describe what he as going through:
God has taken all that away, stripped me of all the things I used to earn people's admiration. I knew what he was up to. He put me in a place where my heart's deepest wounds and arrows - and sin - came out. As I was weeping all these pictures of what I want to belong to came up - speaker, counselor in a group- and it was as if Jesus asked me to give them up. What came from my heart was surprising - incredible Fear. And then the image of never getting them. A sentence arose in my heart: ' You want me to die! If I give those up then I'll never belong and be somebody. You are asking me to die.' It has been my hope of salvation.
Why would God do something so cruel? Why would he do something so terrible as to wound us in the place of our deepest wound? Jesus warned us that 'whoever wants to save his life will lose it' (Luke 9:24). Christ is not using the word bios here; he's not talking about our physical life. The passage is not about trying to save your skin by ducking martyrdom or something like that. The word Christ uses for 'life' is the word psyche - the word for our soul, our inner self, our heart. He says that the things we do to save our psyche, our self, those plans to save and protect our inner life - those are the things that will actually destroy us. 'There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death' says Proverbs 16:25. The false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a life, the whole plan is built on pretense. It's a deadly trap. God loves us way too much to leave us there. So he thwarts us, in many, many different ways.
In order to take a man into his wound, so that he can heal it and begin the release of the true self, God will thwart the false self. He will take away all that you've leaned upon to bring you life. In the movie The Natural, Robert Redford is a baseball player named Roy Hobbs, perhaps the most gifted baseball player ever. He's a high school wonder boy, a natural who gets a shot at the big leagues. But his dreams of a professional career are cut short when Hobbs is wrongly sentenced to prison for murder. Years later, an aging Hobbs gets a second chance. He's signed by the New York Knights - the worst team in the league. But through his incredible gift, untarnished by the years, Hobbs leads the Knights from ignominy to the play-off game for the National League pennant. He rallies the team, becomes the center of their hopes and dreams.
The climax of the film is the game for the championship. It's the bottom of the ninth; the score is Pittsburgh 2, Knights 0. The Knights have 2 outs; there's a man on first and third when Hobbs steps up to the plate. He's their only chance; this is his moment. Now, there's something you must know, something absolutely crucial to the story. Ever since his high school days, Hobbs has played with a bat he made himself from the heart of a tree felled by lighting in his front yard. Burned into the bat is a lightning bolt and the words 'wonder boy.' That bat is the symbol of his greatness, his giftedness. He has never, ever played with another. Clutching 'wonder boy', Hobbs steps to the plate. His first swing is a miss; his second is a foul ball high and behind. His third is a solid hit along the first-base line; it looks like a home run, but it also lands foul. As Hobbs returns to the plate, he sees his bat lying there...in pieces. It shattered on that last swing.
This is the critical moment in a man's life, when all he has counted on comes crashing down, when his golden bat breaks into pieces. His investments fail; his company lets him go; the church fires him; he is leveled by an illness; his wife walks out; his daughter turns up pregnant. What is he to do? Will he stay in the game? Will he shrink back to the dugout? Will he scramble to try to put things back together, as so many men do? The true test of a man, the beginning of his redemption, actually starts when he can no longer rely on what he's used all his life. The real journey begins when the false self fails. A moment that seems like an eternity passes as Hobbs stands there, holding the broken pieces, surveying the damage. The bat is beyond repair. Then he says to the bat boy, 'God pick me out a winner, Bobby.' He stays in the game and hits a home run to win the series.
God will take away our 'bat' as well. He will do something to thwart the false self. Stuart 'saved' himself by becoming emotionless. Last year his wife walked out on him. She's had it with his two-dimensional existence; what woman wants to be married to Spock? Alex recently suffered a series of panic attacks that left him almost unable to leave his home. The whole macho construct fell to the ground. At first, nobody could believe it; Alex couldn't believe it. He was invincible, the strongest guy you ever met. But it was built as a defense against the wound. Our loss doesn't have to be something so dramatic. A man may simply awaken one day to find himself lost, lost as Dante described himself: 'In the middle of the road of my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the true way was wholly lost.' That was the turning point in my life.
I went to Washington D.C, as a young man to try to make something of myself, to prove something, establish credibility. The damnable thing about it was, I succeeded. My giftedness worked against me by coming through for me. I was recognized and rewarded. But the whole experience felt like an act of survival - not something flowing out of a deep center, but something I had to prove, overcome, grasp. As Manning said of his own impostor, 'I studied hard, scored excellent grades, won a scholarship in high school, and was stalked every waking moment by the terror of abandonment and the sense that nobody was there for me.' At the end of the two years I woke one morning and realized i hated my life.
How many helps thou giv'st to those who would learn!
To some sore pain, to others a sinking heart;
To some a weariness worse than any smart;
To some a haunting, fearing, blind concern;
Madness to some; to some the shaking dart
Of hideous death still following as they turn;
To some a hunger that will not depart
To some thou giv'st a deep unrest - a scorn
Of all they are or see upon the earth;
A gaze, at dusky night and clearning morn,
as on a land of emptiness and dearth;
To some a bitter sorrow; to some the sting
Of love misprized - of sick abandoning;
To some a frozen heart, oh, worse than anything!
The messengers of Satan think to mar,
But make - driving the soul from false to feal -
To thee, the reconciler, the one real,
In whom alone the would be and the is are met.
(George MacDonald, Diary of an Old Soul)
This is a very dangerous moment, when God seems set against everything that has meant life to us. Satan spies his opportunity, and leaps to accuse God in our hearts. You see, he says, God is angry with you. He's disappointed in you. If he loved you he would make things smoother. He's not out for your best, you know. The Enemy always tempts us back toward control, to recover and rebuild the false self. We must remember that is is out of love that God thwarts our impostor. As Hebrews reminds us, it is the son whom God disciplines, therefore do not lose heart. (12:5-6).
God thwarts us to save us. We think it will destroy us, but the opposite is true - we must be saved from what really will destroy us. If we would walk with him in our journey of masculine initiation, we must walk away from the false self - set it down, give it up willingly. It feels crazy; it feels immensely vulnerable. Brad has topped looking for the group. Stuart has begun to open his heart up to emotion, to relationship, to all that he buried so long ago. Alex stopped 'eating glass,' stopped the whole macho thing to face what he had never faced inside. I gave up perfectionism, left Washington, and went looking for my heart. We simply accept the invitation to leave all that we've relied on and venture of out with God. We can choose to do it ourselves, or we can wait for God to bring it all down.
If you have no clue as to what your false self may be, then a starting point would be to ask those you live with and work with, 'What is my effect on you? Wham am I like to live with (or work with)? What Don't you feel free to bring up with me?' If you never, ever say a word in a meeting because you fear you might say something stupid, well then, it's time to speak up. If all you ever do is dominate a meeting because your sense of self worth comes from being in charge, then you need to shut up for a while. If you've run to sports because you feel best about yourself there, then it's probably tome to give it a rest and stay home with your family. If you never play any game with other men, then it's time you go down to the gym with the guys and play some hoops. In other words, you face your fears head- on. Drop the fig leaf; come out from hiding. For how long? Longer than you want to; long enough to raise the deeper issues, let the wound surface from beneath it all.
Losing the false self is painful; though it's a mask, it's one we've worn for years and losing it can feel like losing a close friend. Underneath the mask is all the heart and fear we've been running from, hiding from. To let it come to the surface can shake us like an earthquake. Brad felt as if he was going to die, you may too. Or you may feel like Andy Gullahorn, who wrote the song 'Steel Bars' from Old Hat (© 1997 by Andy Gullahorn):
So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
But this is not the end of the road; it's the trailhead.
What you are journeying toward is freedom, healing, and authenticity.
Listen to the next part of Andy's song:
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break the chains that enslave my soul
WALKING AWAY FROM THE WOMAN
As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, those places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to the woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well. I do not mean you leave your wife. I mean to stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her. For some men, this may mean disappointing her. If you've been a passive man, tiptoeing around your wife for years, never doing anything to rock the boat, then it's time to rock it. Stand up to her; get her mad at you. For those of you violent men (including achievers), it means you stop abusing her. You release her as the object of your anger because you release her as the one who was supposed to be make you a man. Repentance for a driven man means you become kind. Both types are still going to the woman. Repentance depends on which way you've approached her.
But I have counseled many young men to break up with the woman they were dating because they had made her their life. She was the sun of his universe, around which he orbited. A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. Only then is he fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into. A friend tells me that in the Masai tribe in Africa, a young man cannot court a woman until he has killed a lion. That's their way of saying, until he has been initiated. I have seen far too many young men commit a kind of emotional promiscuity with a young woman. He will pursue her, not to offer his strength but to drink from her beauty, to be affirmed by her and feel like a man. They will share deep, intimate conversations. But he will not commit; he is Unable to commit. This is very unfair to the young lady. After a year of this sort of relationship a dear friend said, 'I never felt secure in what I meant to him.'
When we feel the pull toward the golden-haired woman, we must recognize that something deeper is at play. As Bly says,
What does it men when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone...he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some women a lot of trouble. (Iron John)
Again, this is not permission to divorce. A man who has married a woman has made her a solemn pledge; he can never heal his wound by delivering another to the one he promised to love. Sometimes she will leave him; that is another story. Too many men run after her, begging her not to go. If she has to go, it is probably because you have some soul work to do. What I am saying is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength; he goes to her to offer it. You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as a great man you do not need the woman. As Augustine said, 'Let my soul praise you for all these beauties, but let it not attach itself to them by the trap of love,' the trap of addiction because we've taken our soul to her for validation.
But there is an even deeper issue than our question. What else is it we are seeking from the Woman with the Golden Hair? What is that ache we are trying to assuage with her? Mercy, comfort, beauty, ecstasy - in a word, God. I'm serious. What we are looking for is God.
There was a time when Adam drank deeply from the source of all Love. He - our first father and archetype - lived in an unbroken communion with the most captivating, beautiful and intoxicating Source of life in the universe. Adam had God. True, it was not good for man to be alone, and God in his humility gave us Eve, allowed us to need her as well. But something happened at the Fall; something Shifted. Eve took the place of God in a man's life. Let me explain.
Adam was not deceived by the serpent. Did you know that? Paul makes it clear in 1 Timothy 2:14 - Adam did not fall because he was deceived. His sin was different; in some ways, it was more serious in that he did it with open eyes. We do not know how long it lasted, but there was a moment in Eden when Eve was fallen and Adam was not, she had eaten, but he yet had a choice. I believe something took place in his heart that went like this: I have lost my ezer kenegdo, my soul mate, the most vital companion I've known. I do not know what life will be like, but I know I cannot live without her.
Adam chose Eve over God.
If you think I exaggerate, simply look around. Look at all the art, poetry, music, drama devoted to the beautiful woman. Listen to the language men use to describe her. Watch the powerful obsession at work. What else can this be but Worship? Men come into the world without the God who was our deepest joy, our ecstasy. Aching for we know not what, we meet Eve's daughters and we are history. She is the closest thing we've ever encountered, the pinnacle of creation, the very embodiment of God's beauty and mystery and tenderness and allure. And what goes out to her is not just our longing for Eve, but our longing for God as well. A man without his true love, his life, his God, will find another. What better substitute than Eve's daughters? Nothing else in creation even comes close.
To a young man who had ever been without a girlfriend since the eighth grade, I have the advice that he should break up, call off the dating for one year. From the look on his face you'd have thought I told him to cut off his arm... or something worse. Do you see what is at work here? Notice that the struggle with pornography or masturbation is most difficult when you are lonely, or beat up, or longing for comfort in some way. This will become more intense as you get closer to your wound. The longing for the ache to go away, and pull toward other comforters can seem overwhelming. I've watched it in many men. I know it in myself. But if this is the water you are truly thirsty for, then why do you remain thirsty after you've had a drink? It's the wrong well.
We must reverse Adam's choice; we must choose God over Eve. We must take our ache to him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound.'
Wild at Heart
John Elderdge
(
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
6:18 PM )
the lights have been spoilt for two weeks alr, and I'm getting quite bored of it. I got quite a few cool new ideas but have yet to try it.
SPA is this tues and thurs. they account for 7.5% of my a level grade, so I guess I have to take it really seriously. I'm confident of my the actual experiment, but it's the questions and theory part that im not certain about. I cant quite get the chemistry behind potassium carbonate double titrations..
on the other hand, I NEED TO SLEEP!
ahhhh, fifteen august two o o nine, holland village bus stop. hahahaha
(
Sunday, August 16, 2009
5:41 AM )
Stand Still by Leeland
Broken hands and tattered clothes
Off the sides of busy roads
These are people, these are souls and
Their help's in our control
But "busy roads" is where we stay
Busy lives is just the way
How we live life today
Am I the only one afraid?
Chorus:
We're moving too fast and it's blinding us
The speed that we're in is just too quick for love
There's so many problems that we could fix
If stopping is all that we do in their midst
It's enough to feel
All the pain in the world that needs to be healed
If we just Stand Still
The love of God is in the streets
In the people that we meet
On the faces of the weak
We look and see God's strength
And are there any who will go
Forsaking lands and leaving homes
All so broken hearts may know that
God will mend their souls
We need to look around us
OKAY WAIT THIS IS EPIC.
jolena. says:
what's 1+1?
jim † says:
oh my gosh
TWO
(
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
9:45 PM )
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
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lightings for christmas! :D
new phone! :D
exams over! :D
soccer training! :D
life has been full of smiles recently.
new phone! :D
exams over! :D
soccer training! :D
life has been full of smiles recently.
(
Sunday, October 11, 2009
11:41 PM )
good stuff should be shared with the world. :D despite promos being a few days away.
(
Sunday, October 04, 2009
8:29 PM )
here's my progress so far.
for chem I got electrochem and chem kinetics. eith every other chapter still untouched..
for maths I think I got functions, definite integrals, integration covered.
for bio I just finished diversity and evolution today. still trying to catch viruses and rememer the various viruses.
that's all that i've covered, and today is monday. I've got a loooooong crazy week ahead......
(
Monday, September 28, 2009
9:43 PM )
there are days when everything is just perfect , and your day could not be any better.you are happy and contented and couldnt ask for more.
but there are days when everything is just wrong. beaten down, crushed, depressed, persecuted, abandoned, struck down, destroyed, flattened with no hope. you wished there was just something to be happy about, searching for something to smile about. but theres simply just nothing to smile about.
and today is one of those days.
(
Thursday, September 24, 2009
3:41 PM )
God only You understand.
(
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
7:16 AM )
Punctuality is the art of guessing how late the other guy is gonna be.
hahahahahahahahhaha.
(
Monday, September 21, 2009
7:10 PM )
Life is like a Cup of Coffee
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups have been taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of life we live.
Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee. Savor the coffee, not the cups! The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
(
Sunday, September 13, 2009
8:36 PM )
With Everything
Open our eyes
To see the things that make Your heart cry
To be the church that You would desire
Your light to be seen
Break down our pride
And all the walls we’ve built up inside
Our earthly crowns and all our desires
We lay at Your feet
Let hope rise
And darkness tremble
In Your holy light
That every eye will see
Jesus our God
Great and mighty to be praised
God of all days
Glorious in all of Your ways
Oh the majesty the wonder and grace
In the light of Your Name
With everything
With everything
We will shout for Your glory
With everything
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
Our hearts they cry
Be glorified
Be lifted high above all names
For You our King
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
i realise this song has been an inspiration to many parts of my life. literally. the song is and always will be one of my favourites. and of course. the bible verse after the song ends as well.
(
Thursday, September 10, 2009
11:06 PM )
5-1 against VS.
my first goal ever in ACJC. wooooohoooo. it was a weak but placement shot into the bottom corner. assisted by felix's good through ball.
soccer makes me happy. but scoring gives an out-of-this-world-impossible-to-describe feeling.
(
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
10:50 PM )
jim is looking forward to friday. =D
(
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
8:59 PM )
wendy has flown off. finally.
I have been dreading this day for the past year, and I guess the reality hasnt hit me yet. im gonna be optimistic; its not like she died or anything, but it's gonna be so different without a best friend and confidant. I know it will finally hit me, but I just dunno when and how.
i don't want to go on blogging in self-pity. so I guess thats it for now.
(
Saturday, August 29, 2009
12:51 AM )
yesterday was one of the most fun and craziest times of my life. what a wonderful day. it was kinda funny hanging out w people whom you hardly hang out with, like for example yifeng, trevor and matt. jumana has her rather irritating new english accent without singlish. siti's been long time no see, and it was kinda weird cos I was the only person from ac. just something I'm not used to.l
it was such an anticlimax coming back to school routine today. facing tutorial after lecture after tutorial after lecture, life seemed so surreal to just sit down and have some fun with the best people in the world. hahahahahahahahahahaha
life has been such a rollercoaster. exciting but highly unpredictable.
(
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
11:17 PM )
how many times, is it when you feel that God is silent, the circumstances are routine and monotonous, do you feel that God is actually doing a work in you? it has been very long, God. sometimes, it really takes a conscious and dying effort not to give up and to continue believing. i dont feel you near at all and i really want to give up, tempted to give up this faith, to give up trying again and again. my heart's pained by your silence. this was supposed to be the moment where you were supposed to be my source and my strength. yet where have you been? i have been trying; i really have been searching. but all this seeking has just left me empty.
(i have a knack of taking things of caleb's blog. this is rather lengthy and all, but if you do have time, esp guys, go ahead and read. its good food for the soul.)
THWARTING THE FALSE SELF
From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them. Stuart found he was good at math and science. He shut down his heart and spent all his energies perfecting his 'Spock' persona. There, in the academy, he was safe; he was also recognized and rewarded. Alex was good at sports and the whole macho image; he became a glass-eating animal. Stan became the nicest guy you could ever meet. 'In the story of my life,' he admitted, 'I want to be seen as the Nice Guy.' I became a hard-changing perfectionist; there, in my perfection, I found safety and recognition. 'When I was eight,' confesses Brennan Manning, 'the impostor, or false self , was born as a defense against pain. The impostor within whispered, 'Brennnan, don't ever be your real self anymore because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know.' Notice the key phrase: 'as a defense against pain,' as a way of saving himself. The impostor is our plan for salvation.
So God must take it all away. This often happens at the start of our initiation journey. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self. In the last chapter I told you of Brad's plan for self-redemption: he would belong to the 'inside group.' Even after it failed him time and again, breaking his heart over and over, he wouldn't give it up. He simply thought his aim was off; if he found the Right group, then his plan would work. Our plan for redemption is hard to let go of; it clings to our hearts like an octopus. So what did God do for Brad? He took it all away. God brought Brad to the point where he thought he had found The group, and then God prevented him from maneuvering his way in. Brad wrote me a letter to describe what he as going through:
God has taken all that away, stripped me of all the things I used to earn people's admiration. I knew what he was up to. He put me in a place where my heart's deepest wounds and arrows - and sin - came out. As I was weeping all these pictures of what I want to belong to came up - speaker, counselor in a group- and it was as if Jesus asked me to give them up. What came from my heart was surprising - incredible Fear. And then the image of never getting them. A sentence arose in my heart: ' You want me to die! If I give those up then I'll never belong and be somebody. You are asking me to die.' It has been my hope of salvation.
Why would God do something so cruel? Why would he do something so terrible as to wound us in the place of our deepest wound? Jesus warned us that 'whoever wants to save his life will lose it' (Luke 9:24). Christ is not using the word bios here; he's not talking about our physical life. The passage is not about trying to save your skin by ducking martyrdom or something like that. The word Christ uses for 'life' is the word psyche - the word for our soul, our inner self, our heart. He says that the things we do to save our psyche, our self, those plans to save and protect our inner life - those are the things that will actually destroy us. 'There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death' says Proverbs 16:25. The false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a life, the whole plan is built on pretense. It's a deadly trap. God loves us way too much to leave us there. So he thwarts us, in many, many different ways.
In order to take a man into his wound, so that he can heal it and begin the release of the true self, God will thwart the false self. He will take away all that you've leaned upon to bring you life. In the movie The Natural, Robert Redford is a baseball player named Roy Hobbs, perhaps the most gifted baseball player ever. He's a high school wonder boy, a natural who gets a shot at the big leagues. But his dreams of a professional career are cut short when Hobbs is wrongly sentenced to prison for murder. Years later, an aging Hobbs gets a second chance. He's signed by the New York Knights - the worst team in the league. But through his incredible gift, untarnished by the years, Hobbs leads the Knights from ignominy to the play-off game for the National League pennant. He rallies the team, becomes the center of their hopes and dreams.
The climax of the film is the game for the championship. It's the bottom of the ninth; the score is Pittsburgh 2, Knights 0. The Knights have 2 outs; there's a man on first and third when Hobbs steps up to the plate. He's their only chance; this is his moment. Now, there's something you must know, something absolutely crucial to the story. Ever since his high school days, Hobbs has played with a bat he made himself from the heart of a tree felled by lighting in his front yard. Burned into the bat is a lightning bolt and the words 'wonder boy.' That bat is the symbol of his greatness, his giftedness. He has never, ever played with another. Clutching 'wonder boy', Hobbs steps to the plate. His first swing is a miss; his second is a foul ball high and behind. His third is a solid hit along the first-base line; it looks like a home run, but it also lands foul. As Hobbs returns to the plate, he sees his bat lying there...in pieces. It shattered on that last swing.
This is the critical moment in a man's life, when all he has counted on comes crashing down, when his golden bat breaks into pieces. His investments fail; his company lets him go; the church fires him; he is leveled by an illness; his wife walks out; his daughter turns up pregnant. What is he to do? Will he stay in the game? Will he shrink back to the dugout? Will he scramble to try to put things back together, as so many men do? The true test of a man, the beginning of his redemption, actually starts when he can no longer rely on what he's used all his life. The real journey begins when the false self fails. A moment that seems like an eternity passes as Hobbs stands there, holding the broken pieces, surveying the damage. The bat is beyond repair. Then he says to the bat boy, 'God pick me out a winner, Bobby.' He stays in the game and hits a home run to win the series.
God will take away our 'bat' as well. He will do something to thwart the false self. Stuart 'saved' himself by becoming emotionless. Last year his wife walked out on him. She's had it with his two-dimensional existence; what woman wants to be married to Spock? Alex recently suffered a series of panic attacks that left him almost unable to leave his home. The whole macho construct fell to the ground. At first, nobody could believe it; Alex couldn't believe it. He was invincible, the strongest guy you ever met. But it was built as a defense against the wound. Our loss doesn't have to be something so dramatic. A man may simply awaken one day to find himself lost, lost as Dante described himself: 'In the middle of the road of my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the true way was wholly lost.' That was the turning point in my life.
I went to Washington D.C, as a young man to try to make something of myself, to prove something, establish credibility. The damnable thing about it was, I succeeded. My giftedness worked against me by coming through for me. I was recognized and rewarded. But the whole experience felt like an act of survival - not something flowing out of a deep center, but something I had to prove, overcome, grasp. As Manning said of his own impostor, 'I studied hard, scored excellent grades, won a scholarship in high school, and was stalked every waking moment by the terror of abandonment and the sense that nobody was there for me.' At the end of the two years I woke one morning and realized i hated my life.
How many helps thou giv'st to those who would learn!
To some sore pain, to others a sinking heart;
To some a weariness worse than any smart;
To some a haunting, fearing, blind concern;
Madness to some; to some the shaking dart
Of hideous death still following as they turn;
To some a hunger that will not depart
To some thou giv'st a deep unrest - a scorn
Of all they are or see upon the earth;
A gaze, at dusky night and clearning morn,
as on a land of emptiness and dearth;
To some a bitter sorrow; to some the sting
Of love misprized - of sick abandoning;
To some a frozen heart, oh, worse than anything!
The messengers of Satan think to mar,
But make - driving the soul from false to feal -
To thee, the reconciler, the one real,
In whom alone the would be and the is are met.
(George MacDonald, Diary of an Old Soul)
This is a very dangerous moment, when God seems set against everything that has meant life to us. Satan spies his opportunity, and leaps to accuse God in our hearts. You see, he says, God is angry with you. He's disappointed in you. If he loved you he would make things smoother. He's not out for your best, you know. The Enemy always tempts us back toward control, to recover and rebuild the false self. We must remember that is is out of love that God thwarts our impostor. As Hebrews reminds us, it is the son whom God disciplines, therefore do not lose heart. (12:5-6).
God thwarts us to save us. We think it will destroy us, but the opposite is true - we must be saved from what really will destroy us. If we would walk with him in our journey of masculine initiation, we must walk away from the false self - set it down, give it up willingly. It feels crazy; it feels immensely vulnerable. Brad has topped looking for the group. Stuart has begun to open his heart up to emotion, to relationship, to all that he buried so long ago. Alex stopped 'eating glass,' stopped the whole macho thing to face what he had never faced inside. I gave up perfectionism, left Washington, and went looking for my heart. We simply accept the invitation to leave all that we've relied on and venture of out with God. We can choose to do it ourselves, or we can wait for God to bring it all down.
If you have no clue as to what your false self may be, then a starting point would be to ask those you live with and work with, 'What is my effect on you? Wham am I like to live with (or work with)? What Don't you feel free to bring up with me?' If you never, ever say a word in a meeting because you fear you might say something stupid, well then, it's time to speak up. If all you ever do is dominate a meeting because your sense of self worth comes from being in charge, then you need to shut up for a while. If you've run to sports because you feel best about yourself there, then it's probably tome to give it a rest and stay home with your family. If you never play any game with other men, then it's time you go down to the gym with the guys and play some hoops. In other words, you face your fears head- on. Drop the fig leaf; come out from hiding. For how long? Longer than you want to; long enough to raise the deeper issues, let the wound surface from beneath it all.
Losing the false self is painful; though it's a mask, it's one we've worn for years and losing it can feel like losing a close friend. Underneath the mask is all the heart and fear we've been running from, hiding from. To let it come to the surface can shake us like an earthquake. Brad felt as if he was going to die, you may too. Or you may feel like Andy Gullahorn, who wrote the song 'Steel Bars' from Old Hat (© 1997 by Andy Gullahorn):
So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
But this is not the end of the road; it's the trailhead.
What you are journeying toward is freedom, healing, and authenticity.
Listen to the next part of Andy's song:
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break the chains that enslave my soul
WALKING AWAY FROM THE WOMAN
As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, those places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to the woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well. I do not mean you leave your wife. I mean to stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her. For some men, this may mean disappointing her. If you've been a passive man, tiptoeing around your wife for years, never doing anything to rock the boat, then it's time to rock it. Stand up to her; get her mad at you. For those of you violent men (including achievers), it means you stop abusing her. You release her as the object of your anger because you release her as the one who was supposed to be make you a man. Repentance for a driven man means you become kind. Both types are still going to the woman. Repentance depends on which way you've approached her.
But I have counseled many young men to break up with the woman they were dating because they had made her their life. She was the sun of his universe, around which he orbited. A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. Only then is he fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into. A friend tells me that in the Masai tribe in Africa, a young man cannot court a woman until he has killed a lion. That's their way of saying, until he has been initiated. I have seen far too many young men commit a kind of emotional promiscuity with a young woman. He will pursue her, not to offer his strength but to drink from her beauty, to be affirmed by her and feel like a man. They will share deep, intimate conversations. But he will not commit; he is Unable to commit. This is very unfair to the young lady. After a year of this sort of relationship a dear friend said, 'I never felt secure in what I meant to him.'
When we feel the pull toward the golden-haired woman, we must recognize that something deeper is at play. As Bly says,
What does it men when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone...he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some women a lot of trouble. (Iron John)
Again, this is not permission to divorce. A man who has married a woman has made her a solemn pledge; he can never heal his wound by delivering another to the one he promised to love. Sometimes she will leave him; that is another story. Too many men run after her, begging her not to go. If she has to go, it is probably because you have some soul work to do. What I am saying is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength; he goes to her to offer it. You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as a great man you do not need the woman. As Augustine said, 'Let my soul praise you for all these beauties, but let it not attach itself to them by the trap of love,' the trap of addiction because we've taken our soul to her for validation.
But there is an even deeper issue than our question. What else is it we are seeking from the Woman with the Golden Hair? What is that ache we are trying to assuage with her? Mercy, comfort, beauty, ecstasy - in a word, God. I'm serious. What we are looking for is God.
There was a time when Adam drank deeply from the source of all Love. He - our first father and archetype - lived in an unbroken communion with the most captivating, beautiful and intoxicating Source of life in the universe. Adam had God. True, it was not good for man to be alone, and God in his humility gave us Eve, allowed us to need her as well. But something happened at the Fall; something Shifted. Eve took the place of God in a man's life. Let me explain.
Adam was not deceived by the serpent. Did you know that? Paul makes it clear in 1 Timothy 2:14 - Adam did not fall because he was deceived. His sin was different; in some ways, it was more serious in that he did it with open eyes. We do not know how long it lasted, but there was a moment in Eden when Eve was fallen and Adam was not, she had eaten, but he yet had a choice. I believe something took place in his heart that went like this: I have lost my ezer kenegdo, my soul mate, the most vital companion I've known. I do not know what life will be like, but I know I cannot live without her.
Adam chose Eve over God.
If you think I exaggerate, simply look around. Look at all the art, poetry, music, drama devoted to the beautiful woman. Listen to the language men use to describe her. Watch the powerful obsession at work. What else can this be but Worship? Men come into the world without the God who was our deepest joy, our ecstasy. Aching for we know not what, we meet Eve's daughters and we are history. She is the closest thing we've ever encountered, the pinnacle of creation, the very embodiment of God's beauty and mystery and tenderness and allure. And what goes out to her is not just our longing for Eve, but our longing for God as well. A man without his true love, his life, his God, will find another. What better substitute than Eve's daughters? Nothing else in creation even comes close.
To a young man who had ever been without a girlfriend since the eighth grade, I have the advice that he should break up, call off the dating for one year. From the look on his face you'd have thought I told him to cut off his arm... or something worse. Do you see what is at work here? Notice that the struggle with pornography or masturbation is most difficult when you are lonely, or beat up, or longing for comfort in some way. This will become more intense as you get closer to your wound. The longing for the ache to go away, and pull toward other comforters can seem overwhelming. I've watched it in many men. I know it in myself. But if this is the water you are truly thirsty for, then why do you remain thirsty after you've had a drink? It's the wrong well.
We must reverse Adam's choice; we must choose God over Eve. We must take our ache to him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound.'
Wild at Heart
John Elderdge
(
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
6:18 PM )
the lights have been spoilt for two weeks alr, and I'm getting quite bored of it. I got quite a few cool new ideas but have yet to try it.
SPA is this tues and thurs. they account for 7.5% of my a level grade, so I guess I have to take it really seriously. I'm confident of my the actual experiment, but it's the questions and theory part that im not certain about. I cant quite get the chemistry behind potassium carbonate double titrations..
on the other hand, I NEED TO SLEEP!
ahhhh, fifteen august two o o nine, holland village bus stop. hahahaha
(
Sunday, August 16, 2009
5:41 AM )
Stand Still by Leeland
Broken hands and tattered clothes
Off the sides of busy roads
These are people, these are souls and
Their help's in our control
But "busy roads" is where we stay
Busy lives is just the way
How we live life today
Am I the only one afraid?
Chorus:
We're moving too fast and it's blinding us
The speed that we're in is just too quick for love
There's so many problems that we could fix
If stopping is all that we do in their midst
It's enough to feel
All the pain in the world that needs to be healed
If we just Stand Still
The love of God is in the streets
In the people that we meet
On the faces of the weak
We look and see God's strength
And are there any who will go
Forsaking lands and leaving homes
All so broken hearts may know that
God will mend their souls
We need to look around us
OKAY WAIT THIS IS EPIC.
jolena. says:
what's 1+1?
jim † says:
oh my gosh
TWO
(
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
9:45 PM )
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
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good stuff should be shared with the world. :D despite promos being a few days away.
(
Sunday, October 04, 2009
8:29 PM )
here's my progress so far.
for chem I got electrochem and chem kinetics. eith every other chapter still untouched..
for maths I think I got functions, definite integrals, integration covered.
for bio I just finished diversity and evolution today. still trying to catch viruses and rememer the various viruses.
that's all that i've covered, and today is monday. I've got a loooooong crazy week ahead......
(
Monday, September 28, 2009
9:43 PM )
there are days when everything is just perfect , and your day could not be any better.you are happy and contented and couldnt ask for more.
but there are days when everything is just wrong. beaten down, crushed, depressed, persecuted, abandoned, struck down, destroyed, flattened with no hope. you wished there was just something to be happy about, searching for something to smile about. but theres simply just nothing to smile about.
and today is one of those days.
(
Thursday, September 24, 2009
3:41 PM )
God only You understand.
(
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
7:16 AM )
Punctuality is the art of guessing how late the other guy is gonna be.
hahahahahahahahhaha.
(
Monday, September 21, 2009
7:10 PM )
Life is like a Cup of Coffee
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups have been taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of life we live.
Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee. Savor the coffee, not the cups! The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
(
Sunday, September 13, 2009
8:36 PM )
With Everything
Open our eyes
To see the things that make Your heart cry
To be the church that You would desire
Your light to be seen
Break down our pride
And all the walls we’ve built up inside
Our earthly crowns and all our desires
We lay at Your feet
Let hope rise
And darkness tremble
In Your holy light
That every eye will see
Jesus our God
Great and mighty to be praised
God of all days
Glorious in all of Your ways
Oh the majesty the wonder and grace
In the light of Your Name
With everything
With everything
We will shout for Your glory
With everything
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
Our hearts they cry
Be glorified
Be lifted high above all names
For You our King
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
i realise this song has been an inspiration to many parts of my life. literally. the song is and always will be one of my favourites. and of course. the bible verse after the song ends as well.
(
Thursday, September 10, 2009
11:06 PM )
5-1 against VS.
my first goal ever in ACJC. wooooohoooo. it was a weak but placement shot into the bottom corner. assisted by felix's good through ball.
soccer makes me happy. but scoring gives an out-of-this-world-impossible-to-describe feeling.
(
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
10:50 PM )
jim is looking forward to friday. =D
(
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
8:59 PM )
wendy has flown off. finally.
I have been dreading this day for the past year, and I guess the reality hasnt hit me yet. im gonna be optimistic; its not like she died or anything, but it's gonna be so different without a best friend and confidant. I know it will finally hit me, but I just dunno when and how.
i don't want to go on blogging in self-pity. so I guess thats it for now.
(
Saturday, August 29, 2009
12:51 AM )
yesterday was one of the most fun and craziest times of my life. what a wonderful day. it was kinda funny hanging out w people whom you hardly hang out with, like for example yifeng, trevor and matt. jumana has her rather irritating new english accent without singlish. siti's been long time no see, and it was kinda weird cos I was the only person from ac. just something I'm not used to.l
it was such an anticlimax coming back to school routine today. facing tutorial after lecture after tutorial after lecture, life seemed so surreal to just sit down and have some fun with the best people in the world. hahahahahahahahahahaha
life has been such a rollercoaster. exciting but highly unpredictable.
(
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
11:17 PM )
how many times, is it when you feel that God is silent, the circumstances are routine and monotonous, do you feel that God is actually doing a work in you? it has been very long, God. sometimes, it really takes a conscious and dying effort not to give up and to continue believing. i dont feel you near at all and i really want to give up, tempted to give up this faith, to give up trying again and again. my heart's pained by your silence. this was supposed to be the moment where you were supposed to be my source and my strength. yet where have you been? i have been trying; i really have been searching. but all this seeking has just left me empty.
(i have a knack of taking things of caleb's blog. this is rather lengthy and all, but if you do have time, esp guys, go ahead and read. its good food for the soul.)
THWARTING THE FALSE SELF
From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them. Stuart found he was good at math and science. He shut down his heart and spent all his energies perfecting his 'Spock' persona. There, in the academy, he was safe; he was also recognized and rewarded. Alex was good at sports and the whole macho image; he became a glass-eating animal. Stan became the nicest guy you could ever meet. 'In the story of my life,' he admitted, 'I want to be seen as the Nice Guy.' I became a hard-changing perfectionist; there, in my perfection, I found safety and recognition. 'When I was eight,' confesses Brennan Manning, 'the impostor, or false self , was born as a defense against pain. The impostor within whispered, 'Brennnan, don't ever be your real self anymore because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know.' Notice the key phrase: 'as a defense against pain,' as a way of saving himself. The impostor is our plan for salvation.
So God must take it all away. This often happens at the start of our initiation journey. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self. In the last chapter I told you of Brad's plan for self-redemption: he would belong to the 'inside group.' Even after it failed him time and again, breaking his heart over and over, he wouldn't give it up. He simply thought his aim was off; if he found the Right group, then his plan would work. Our plan for redemption is hard to let go of; it clings to our hearts like an octopus. So what did God do for Brad? He took it all away. God brought Brad to the point where he thought he had found The group, and then God prevented him from maneuvering his way in. Brad wrote me a letter to describe what he as going through:
God has taken all that away, stripped me of all the things I used to earn people's admiration. I knew what he was up to. He put me in a place where my heart's deepest wounds and arrows - and sin - came out. As I was weeping all these pictures of what I want to belong to came up - speaker, counselor in a group- and it was as if Jesus asked me to give them up. What came from my heart was surprising - incredible Fear. And then the image of never getting them. A sentence arose in my heart: ' You want me to die! If I give those up then I'll never belong and be somebody. You are asking me to die.' It has been my hope of salvation.
Why would God do something so cruel? Why would he do something so terrible as to wound us in the place of our deepest wound? Jesus warned us that 'whoever wants to save his life will lose it' (Luke 9:24). Christ is not using the word bios here; he's not talking about our physical life. The passage is not about trying to save your skin by ducking martyrdom or something like that. The word Christ uses for 'life' is the word psyche - the word for our soul, our inner self, our heart. He says that the things we do to save our psyche, our self, those plans to save and protect our inner life - those are the things that will actually destroy us. 'There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death' says Proverbs 16:25. The false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a life, the whole plan is built on pretense. It's a deadly trap. God loves us way too much to leave us there. So he thwarts us, in many, many different ways.
In order to take a man into his wound, so that he can heal it and begin the release of the true self, God will thwart the false self. He will take away all that you've leaned upon to bring you life. In the movie The Natural, Robert Redford is a baseball player named Roy Hobbs, perhaps the most gifted baseball player ever. He's a high school wonder boy, a natural who gets a shot at the big leagues. But his dreams of a professional career are cut short when Hobbs is wrongly sentenced to prison for murder. Years later, an aging Hobbs gets a second chance. He's signed by the New York Knights - the worst team in the league. But through his incredible gift, untarnished by the years, Hobbs leads the Knights from ignominy to the play-off game for the National League pennant. He rallies the team, becomes the center of their hopes and dreams.
The climax of the film is the game for the championship. It's the bottom of the ninth; the score is Pittsburgh 2, Knights 0. The Knights have 2 outs; there's a man on first and third when Hobbs steps up to the plate. He's their only chance; this is his moment. Now, there's something you must know, something absolutely crucial to the story. Ever since his high school days, Hobbs has played with a bat he made himself from the heart of a tree felled by lighting in his front yard. Burned into the bat is a lightning bolt and the words 'wonder boy.' That bat is the symbol of his greatness, his giftedness. He has never, ever played with another. Clutching 'wonder boy', Hobbs steps to the plate. His first swing is a miss; his second is a foul ball high and behind. His third is a solid hit along the first-base line; it looks like a home run, but it also lands foul. As Hobbs returns to the plate, he sees his bat lying there...in pieces. It shattered on that last swing.
This is the critical moment in a man's life, when all he has counted on comes crashing down, when his golden bat breaks into pieces. His investments fail; his company lets him go; the church fires him; he is leveled by an illness; his wife walks out; his daughter turns up pregnant. What is he to do? Will he stay in the game? Will he shrink back to the dugout? Will he scramble to try to put things back together, as so many men do? The true test of a man, the beginning of his redemption, actually starts when he can no longer rely on what he's used all his life. The real journey begins when the false self fails. A moment that seems like an eternity passes as Hobbs stands there, holding the broken pieces, surveying the damage. The bat is beyond repair. Then he says to the bat boy, 'God pick me out a winner, Bobby.' He stays in the game and hits a home run to win the series.
God will take away our 'bat' as well. He will do something to thwart the false self. Stuart 'saved' himself by becoming emotionless. Last year his wife walked out on him. She's had it with his two-dimensional existence; what woman wants to be married to Spock? Alex recently suffered a series of panic attacks that left him almost unable to leave his home. The whole macho construct fell to the ground. At first, nobody could believe it; Alex couldn't believe it. He was invincible, the strongest guy you ever met. But it was built as a defense against the wound. Our loss doesn't have to be something so dramatic. A man may simply awaken one day to find himself lost, lost as Dante described himself: 'In the middle of the road of my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the true way was wholly lost.' That was the turning point in my life.
I went to Washington D.C, as a young man to try to make something of myself, to prove something, establish credibility. The damnable thing about it was, I succeeded. My giftedness worked against me by coming through for me. I was recognized and rewarded. But the whole experience felt like an act of survival - not something flowing out of a deep center, but something I had to prove, overcome, grasp. As Manning said of his own impostor, 'I studied hard, scored excellent grades, won a scholarship in high school, and was stalked every waking moment by the terror of abandonment and the sense that nobody was there for me.' At the end of the two years I woke one morning and realized i hated my life.
How many helps thou giv'st to those who would learn!
To some sore pain, to others a sinking heart;
To some a weariness worse than any smart;
To some a haunting, fearing, blind concern;
Madness to some; to some the shaking dart
Of hideous death still following as they turn;
To some a hunger that will not depart
To some thou giv'st a deep unrest - a scorn
Of all they are or see upon the earth;
A gaze, at dusky night and clearning morn,
as on a land of emptiness and dearth;
To some a bitter sorrow; to some the sting
Of love misprized - of sick abandoning;
To some a frozen heart, oh, worse than anything!
The messengers of Satan think to mar,
But make - driving the soul from false to feal -
To thee, the reconciler, the one real,
In whom alone the would be and the is are met.
(George MacDonald, Diary of an Old Soul)
This is a very dangerous moment, when God seems set against everything that has meant life to us. Satan spies his opportunity, and leaps to accuse God in our hearts. You see, he says, God is angry with you. He's disappointed in you. If he loved you he would make things smoother. He's not out for your best, you know. The Enemy always tempts us back toward control, to recover and rebuild the false self. We must remember that is is out of love that God thwarts our impostor. As Hebrews reminds us, it is the son whom God disciplines, therefore do not lose heart. (12:5-6).
God thwarts us to save us. We think it will destroy us, but the opposite is true - we must be saved from what really will destroy us. If we would walk with him in our journey of masculine initiation, we must walk away from the false self - set it down, give it up willingly. It feels crazy; it feels immensely vulnerable. Brad has topped looking for the group. Stuart has begun to open his heart up to emotion, to relationship, to all that he buried so long ago. Alex stopped 'eating glass,' stopped the whole macho thing to face what he had never faced inside. I gave up perfectionism, left Washington, and went looking for my heart. We simply accept the invitation to leave all that we've relied on and venture of out with God. We can choose to do it ourselves, or we can wait for God to bring it all down.
If you have no clue as to what your false self may be, then a starting point would be to ask those you live with and work with, 'What is my effect on you? Wham am I like to live with (or work with)? What Don't you feel free to bring up with me?' If you never, ever say a word in a meeting because you fear you might say something stupid, well then, it's time to speak up. If all you ever do is dominate a meeting because your sense of self worth comes from being in charge, then you need to shut up for a while. If you've run to sports because you feel best about yourself there, then it's probably tome to give it a rest and stay home with your family. If you never play any game with other men, then it's time you go down to the gym with the guys and play some hoops. In other words, you face your fears head- on. Drop the fig leaf; come out from hiding. For how long? Longer than you want to; long enough to raise the deeper issues, let the wound surface from beneath it all.
Losing the false self is painful; though it's a mask, it's one we've worn for years and losing it can feel like losing a close friend. Underneath the mask is all the heart and fear we've been running from, hiding from. To let it come to the surface can shake us like an earthquake. Brad felt as if he was going to die, you may too. Or you may feel like Andy Gullahorn, who wrote the song 'Steel Bars' from Old Hat (© 1997 by Andy Gullahorn):
So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
But this is not the end of the road; it's the trailhead.
What you are journeying toward is freedom, healing, and authenticity.
Listen to the next part of Andy's song:
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break the chains that enslave my soul
WALKING AWAY FROM THE WOMAN
As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, those places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to the woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well. I do not mean you leave your wife. I mean to stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her. For some men, this may mean disappointing her. If you've been a passive man, tiptoeing around your wife for years, never doing anything to rock the boat, then it's time to rock it. Stand up to her; get her mad at you. For those of you violent men (including achievers), it means you stop abusing her. You release her as the object of your anger because you release her as the one who was supposed to be make you a man. Repentance for a driven man means you become kind. Both types are still going to the woman. Repentance depends on which way you've approached her.
But I have counseled many young men to break up with the woman they were dating because they had made her their life. She was the sun of his universe, around which he orbited. A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. Only then is he fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into. A friend tells me that in the Masai tribe in Africa, a young man cannot court a woman until he has killed a lion. That's their way of saying, until he has been initiated. I have seen far too many young men commit a kind of emotional promiscuity with a young woman. He will pursue her, not to offer his strength but to drink from her beauty, to be affirmed by her and feel like a man. They will share deep, intimate conversations. But he will not commit; he is Unable to commit. This is very unfair to the young lady. After a year of this sort of relationship a dear friend said, 'I never felt secure in what I meant to him.'
When we feel the pull toward the golden-haired woman, we must recognize that something deeper is at play. As Bly says,
What does it men when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone...he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some women a lot of trouble. (Iron John)
Again, this is not permission to divorce. A man who has married a woman has made her a solemn pledge; he can never heal his wound by delivering another to the one he promised to love. Sometimes she will leave him; that is another story. Too many men run after her, begging her not to go. If she has to go, it is probably because you have some soul work to do. What I am saying is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength; he goes to her to offer it. You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as a great man you do not need the woman. As Augustine said, 'Let my soul praise you for all these beauties, but let it not attach itself to them by the trap of love,' the trap of addiction because we've taken our soul to her for validation.
But there is an even deeper issue than our question. What else is it we are seeking from the Woman with the Golden Hair? What is that ache we are trying to assuage with her? Mercy, comfort, beauty, ecstasy - in a word, God. I'm serious. What we are looking for is God.
There was a time when Adam drank deeply from the source of all Love. He - our first father and archetype - lived in an unbroken communion with the most captivating, beautiful and intoxicating Source of life in the universe. Adam had God. True, it was not good for man to be alone, and God in his humility gave us Eve, allowed us to need her as well. But something happened at the Fall; something Shifted. Eve took the place of God in a man's life. Let me explain.
Adam was not deceived by the serpent. Did you know that? Paul makes it clear in 1 Timothy 2:14 - Adam did not fall because he was deceived. His sin was different; in some ways, it was more serious in that he did it with open eyes. We do not know how long it lasted, but there was a moment in Eden when Eve was fallen and Adam was not, she had eaten, but he yet had a choice. I believe something took place in his heart that went like this: I have lost my ezer kenegdo, my soul mate, the most vital companion I've known. I do not know what life will be like, but I know I cannot live without her.
Adam chose Eve over God.
If you think I exaggerate, simply look around. Look at all the art, poetry, music, drama devoted to the beautiful woman. Listen to the language men use to describe her. Watch the powerful obsession at work. What else can this be but Worship? Men come into the world without the God who was our deepest joy, our ecstasy. Aching for we know not what, we meet Eve's daughters and we are history. She is the closest thing we've ever encountered, the pinnacle of creation, the very embodiment of God's beauty and mystery and tenderness and allure. And what goes out to her is not just our longing for Eve, but our longing for God as well. A man without his true love, his life, his God, will find another. What better substitute than Eve's daughters? Nothing else in creation even comes close.
To a young man who had ever been without a girlfriend since the eighth grade, I have the advice that he should break up, call off the dating for one year. From the look on his face you'd have thought I told him to cut off his arm... or something worse. Do you see what is at work here? Notice that the struggle with pornography or masturbation is most difficult when you are lonely, or beat up, or longing for comfort in some way. This will become more intense as you get closer to your wound. The longing for the ache to go away, and pull toward other comforters can seem overwhelming. I've watched it in many men. I know it in myself. But if this is the water you are truly thirsty for, then why do you remain thirsty after you've had a drink? It's the wrong well.
We must reverse Adam's choice; we must choose God over Eve. We must take our ache to him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound.'
Wild at Heart
John Elderdge
(
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
6:18 PM )
the lights have been spoilt for two weeks alr, and I'm getting quite bored of it. I got quite a few cool new ideas but have yet to try it.
SPA is this tues and thurs. they account for 7.5% of my a level grade, so I guess I have to take it really seriously. I'm confident of my the actual experiment, but it's the questions and theory part that im not certain about. I cant quite get the chemistry behind potassium carbonate double titrations..
on the other hand, I NEED TO SLEEP!
ahhhh, fifteen august two o o nine, holland village bus stop. hahahaha
(
Sunday, August 16, 2009
5:41 AM )
Stand Still by Leeland
Broken hands and tattered clothes
Off the sides of busy roads
These are people, these are souls and
Their help's in our control
But "busy roads" is where we stay
Busy lives is just the way
How we live life today
Am I the only one afraid?
Chorus:
We're moving too fast and it's blinding us
The speed that we're in is just too quick for love
There's so many problems that we could fix
If stopping is all that we do in their midst
It's enough to feel
All the pain in the world that needs to be healed
If we just Stand Still
The love of God is in the streets
In the people that we meet
On the faces of the weak
We look and see God's strength
And are there any who will go
Forsaking lands and leaving homes
All so broken hearts may know that
God will mend their souls
We need to look around us
OKAY WAIT THIS IS EPIC.
jolena. says:
what's 1+1?
jim † says:
oh my gosh
TWO
(
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
9:45 PM )
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
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counter
here's my progress so far.
for chem I got electrochem and chem kinetics. eith every other chapter still untouched..
for maths I think I got functions, definite integrals, integration covered.
for bio I just finished diversity and evolution today. still trying to catch viruses and rememer the various viruses.
that's all that i've covered, and today is monday. I've got a loooooong crazy week ahead......
(
Monday, September 28, 2009
9:43 PM )
there are days when everything is just perfect , and your day could not be any better.you are happy and contented and couldnt ask for more.
but there are days when everything is just wrong. beaten down, crushed, depressed, persecuted, abandoned, struck down, destroyed, flattened with no hope. you wished there was just something to be happy about, searching for something to smile about. but theres simply just nothing to smile about.
and today is one of those days.
(
Thursday, September 24, 2009
3:41 PM )
God only You understand.
(
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
7:16 AM )
Punctuality is the art of guessing how late the other guy is gonna be.
hahahahahahahahhaha.
(
Monday, September 21, 2009
7:10 PM )
Life is like a Cup of Coffee
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups have been taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of life we live.
Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee. Savor the coffee, not the cups! The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
(
Sunday, September 13, 2009
8:36 PM )
With Everything
Open our eyes
To see the things that make Your heart cry
To be the church that You would desire
Your light to be seen
Break down our pride
And all the walls we’ve built up inside
Our earthly crowns and all our desires
We lay at Your feet
Let hope rise
And darkness tremble
In Your holy light
That every eye will see
Jesus our God
Great and mighty to be praised
God of all days
Glorious in all of Your ways
Oh the majesty the wonder and grace
In the light of Your Name
With everything
With everything
We will shout for Your glory
With everything
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
Our hearts they cry
Be glorified
Be lifted high above all names
For You our King
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
i realise this song has been an inspiration to many parts of my life. literally. the song is and always will be one of my favourites. and of course. the bible verse after the song ends as well.
(
Thursday, September 10, 2009
11:06 PM )
5-1 against VS.
my first goal ever in ACJC. wooooohoooo. it was a weak but placement shot into the bottom corner. assisted by felix's good through ball.
soccer makes me happy. but scoring gives an out-of-this-world-impossible-to-describe feeling.
(
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
10:50 PM )
jim is looking forward to friday. =D
(
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
8:59 PM )
wendy has flown off. finally.
I have been dreading this day for the past year, and I guess the reality hasnt hit me yet. im gonna be optimistic; its not like she died or anything, but it's gonna be so different without a best friend and confidant. I know it will finally hit me, but I just dunno when and how.
i don't want to go on blogging in self-pity. so I guess thats it for now.
(
Saturday, August 29, 2009
12:51 AM )
yesterday was one of the most fun and craziest times of my life. what a wonderful day. it was kinda funny hanging out w people whom you hardly hang out with, like for example yifeng, trevor and matt. jumana has her rather irritating new english accent without singlish. siti's been long time no see, and it was kinda weird cos I was the only person from ac. just something I'm not used to.l
it was such an anticlimax coming back to school routine today. facing tutorial after lecture after tutorial after lecture, life seemed so surreal to just sit down and have some fun with the best people in the world. hahahahahahahahahahaha
life has been such a rollercoaster. exciting but highly unpredictable.
(
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
11:17 PM )
how many times, is it when you feel that God is silent, the circumstances are routine and monotonous, do you feel that God is actually doing a work in you? it has been very long, God. sometimes, it really takes a conscious and dying effort not to give up and to continue believing. i dont feel you near at all and i really want to give up, tempted to give up this faith, to give up trying again and again. my heart's pained by your silence. this was supposed to be the moment where you were supposed to be my source and my strength. yet where have you been? i have been trying; i really have been searching. but all this seeking has just left me empty.
(i have a knack of taking things of caleb's blog. this is rather lengthy and all, but if you do have time, esp guys, go ahead and read. its good food for the soul.)
THWARTING THE FALSE SELF
From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them. Stuart found he was good at math and science. He shut down his heart and spent all his energies perfecting his 'Spock' persona. There, in the academy, he was safe; he was also recognized and rewarded. Alex was good at sports and the whole macho image; he became a glass-eating animal. Stan became the nicest guy you could ever meet. 'In the story of my life,' he admitted, 'I want to be seen as the Nice Guy.' I became a hard-changing perfectionist; there, in my perfection, I found safety and recognition. 'When I was eight,' confesses Brennan Manning, 'the impostor, or false self , was born as a defense against pain. The impostor within whispered, 'Brennnan, don't ever be your real self anymore because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know.' Notice the key phrase: 'as a defense against pain,' as a way of saving himself. The impostor is our plan for salvation.
So God must take it all away. This often happens at the start of our initiation journey. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self. In the last chapter I told you of Brad's plan for self-redemption: he would belong to the 'inside group.' Even after it failed him time and again, breaking his heart over and over, he wouldn't give it up. He simply thought his aim was off; if he found the Right group, then his plan would work. Our plan for redemption is hard to let go of; it clings to our hearts like an octopus. So what did God do for Brad? He took it all away. God brought Brad to the point where he thought he had found The group, and then God prevented him from maneuvering his way in. Brad wrote me a letter to describe what he as going through:
God has taken all that away, stripped me of all the things I used to earn people's admiration. I knew what he was up to. He put me in a place where my heart's deepest wounds and arrows - and sin - came out. As I was weeping all these pictures of what I want to belong to came up - speaker, counselor in a group- and it was as if Jesus asked me to give them up. What came from my heart was surprising - incredible Fear. And then the image of never getting them. A sentence arose in my heart: ' You want me to die! If I give those up then I'll never belong and be somebody. You are asking me to die.' It has been my hope of salvation.
Why would God do something so cruel? Why would he do something so terrible as to wound us in the place of our deepest wound? Jesus warned us that 'whoever wants to save his life will lose it' (Luke 9:24). Christ is not using the word bios here; he's not talking about our physical life. The passage is not about trying to save your skin by ducking martyrdom or something like that. The word Christ uses for 'life' is the word psyche - the word for our soul, our inner self, our heart. He says that the things we do to save our psyche, our self, those plans to save and protect our inner life - those are the things that will actually destroy us. 'There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death' says Proverbs 16:25. The false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a life, the whole plan is built on pretense. It's a deadly trap. God loves us way too much to leave us there. So he thwarts us, in many, many different ways.
In order to take a man into his wound, so that he can heal it and begin the release of the true self, God will thwart the false self. He will take away all that you've leaned upon to bring you life. In the movie The Natural, Robert Redford is a baseball player named Roy Hobbs, perhaps the most gifted baseball player ever. He's a high school wonder boy, a natural who gets a shot at the big leagues. But his dreams of a professional career are cut short when Hobbs is wrongly sentenced to prison for murder. Years later, an aging Hobbs gets a second chance. He's signed by the New York Knights - the worst team in the league. But through his incredible gift, untarnished by the years, Hobbs leads the Knights from ignominy to the play-off game for the National League pennant. He rallies the team, becomes the center of their hopes and dreams.
The climax of the film is the game for the championship. It's the bottom of the ninth; the score is Pittsburgh 2, Knights 0. The Knights have 2 outs; there's a man on first and third when Hobbs steps up to the plate. He's their only chance; this is his moment. Now, there's something you must know, something absolutely crucial to the story. Ever since his high school days, Hobbs has played with a bat he made himself from the heart of a tree felled by lighting in his front yard. Burned into the bat is a lightning bolt and the words 'wonder boy.' That bat is the symbol of his greatness, his giftedness. He has never, ever played with another. Clutching 'wonder boy', Hobbs steps to the plate. His first swing is a miss; his second is a foul ball high and behind. His third is a solid hit along the first-base line; it looks like a home run, but it also lands foul. As Hobbs returns to the plate, he sees his bat lying there...in pieces. It shattered on that last swing.
This is the critical moment in a man's life, when all he has counted on comes crashing down, when his golden bat breaks into pieces. His investments fail; his company lets him go; the church fires him; he is leveled by an illness; his wife walks out; his daughter turns up pregnant. What is he to do? Will he stay in the game? Will he shrink back to the dugout? Will he scramble to try to put things back together, as so many men do? The true test of a man, the beginning of his redemption, actually starts when he can no longer rely on what he's used all his life. The real journey begins when the false self fails. A moment that seems like an eternity passes as Hobbs stands there, holding the broken pieces, surveying the damage. The bat is beyond repair. Then he says to the bat boy, 'God pick me out a winner, Bobby.' He stays in the game and hits a home run to win the series.
God will take away our 'bat' as well. He will do something to thwart the false self. Stuart 'saved' himself by becoming emotionless. Last year his wife walked out on him. She's had it with his two-dimensional existence; what woman wants to be married to Spock? Alex recently suffered a series of panic attacks that left him almost unable to leave his home. The whole macho construct fell to the ground. At first, nobody could believe it; Alex couldn't believe it. He was invincible, the strongest guy you ever met. But it was built as a defense against the wound. Our loss doesn't have to be something so dramatic. A man may simply awaken one day to find himself lost, lost as Dante described himself: 'In the middle of the road of my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the true way was wholly lost.' That was the turning point in my life.
I went to Washington D.C, as a young man to try to make something of myself, to prove something, establish credibility. The damnable thing about it was, I succeeded. My giftedness worked against me by coming through for me. I was recognized and rewarded. But the whole experience felt like an act of survival - not something flowing out of a deep center, but something I had to prove, overcome, grasp. As Manning said of his own impostor, 'I studied hard, scored excellent grades, won a scholarship in high school, and was stalked every waking moment by the terror of abandonment and the sense that nobody was there for me.' At the end of the two years I woke one morning and realized i hated my life.
How many helps thou giv'st to those who would learn!
To some sore pain, to others a sinking heart;
To some a weariness worse than any smart;
To some a haunting, fearing, blind concern;
Madness to some; to some the shaking dart
Of hideous death still following as they turn;
To some a hunger that will not depart
To some thou giv'st a deep unrest - a scorn
Of all they are or see upon the earth;
A gaze, at dusky night and clearning morn,
as on a land of emptiness and dearth;
To some a bitter sorrow; to some the sting
Of love misprized - of sick abandoning;
To some a frozen heart, oh, worse than anything!
The messengers of Satan think to mar,
But make - driving the soul from false to feal -
To thee, the reconciler, the one real,
In whom alone the would be and the is are met.
(George MacDonald, Diary of an Old Soul)
This is a very dangerous moment, when God seems set against everything that has meant life to us. Satan spies his opportunity, and leaps to accuse God in our hearts. You see, he says, God is angry with you. He's disappointed in you. If he loved you he would make things smoother. He's not out for your best, you know. The Enemy always tempts us back toward control, to recover and rebuild the false self. We must remember that is is out of love that God thwarts our impostor. As Hebrews reminds us, it is the son whom God disciplines, therefore do not lose heart. (12:5-6).
God thwarts us to save us. We think it will destroy us, but the opposite is true - we must be saved from what really will destroy us. If we would walk with him in our journey of masculine initiation, we must walk away from the false self - set it down, give it up willingly. It feels crazy; it feels immensely vulnerable. Brad has topped looking for the group. Stuart has begun to open his heart up to emotion, to relationship, to all that he buried so long ago. Alex stopped 'eating glass,' stopped the whole macho thing to face what he had never faced inside. I gave up perfectionism, left Washington, and went looking for my heart. We simply accept the invitation to leave all that we've relied on and venture of out with God. We can choose to do it ourselves, or we can wait for God to bring it all down.
If you have no clue as to what your false self may be, then a starting point would be to ask those you live with and work with, 'What is my effect on you? Wham am I like to live with (or work with)? What Don't you feel free to bring up with me?' If you never, ever say a word in a meeting because you fear you might say something stupid, well then, it's time to speak up. If all you ever do is dominate a meeting because your sense of self worth comes from being in charge, then you need to shut up for a while. If you've run to sports because you feel best about yourself there, then it's probably tome to give it a rest and stay home with your family. If you never play any game with other men, then it's time you go down to the gym with the guys and play some hoops. In other words, you face your fears head- on. Drop the fig leaf; come out from hiding. For how long? Longer than you want to; long enough to raise the deeper issues, let the wound surface from beneath it all.
Losing the false self is painful; though it's a mask, it's one we've worn for years and losing it can feel like losing a close friend. Underneath the mask is all the heart and fear we've been running from, hiding from. To let it come to the surface can shake us like an earthquake. Brad felt as if he was going to die, you may too. Or you may feel like Andy Gullahorn, who wrote the song 'Steel Bars' from Old Hat (© 1997 by Andy Gullahorn):
So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
But this is not the end of the road; it's the trailhead.
What you are journeying toward is freedom, healing, and authenticity.
Listen to the next part of Andy's song:
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break the chains that enslave my soul
WALKING AWAY FROM THE WOMAN
As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, those places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to the woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well. I do not mean you leave your wife. I mean to stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her. For some men, this may mean disappointing her. If you've been a passive man, tiptoeing around your wife for years, never doing anything to rock the boat, then it's time to rock it. Stand up to her; get her mad at you. For those of you violent men (including achievers), it means you stop abusing her. You release her as the object of your anger because you release her as the one who was supposed to be make you a man. Repentance for a driven man means you become kind. Both types are still going to the woman. Repentance depends on which way you've approached her.
But I have counseled many young men to break up with the woman they were dating because they had made her their life. She was the sun of his universe, around which he orbited. A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. Only then is he fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into. A friend tells me that in the Masai tribe in Africa, a young man cannot court a woman until he has killed a lion. That's their way of saying, until he has been initiated. I have seen far too many young men commit a kind of emotional promiscuity with a young woman. He will pursue her, not to offer his strength but to drink from her beauty, to be affirmed by her and feel like a man. They will share deep, intimate conversations. But he will not commit; he is Unable to commit. This is very unfair to the young lady. After a year of this sort of relationship a dear friend said, 'I never felt secure in what I meant to him.'
When we feel the pull toward the golden-haired woman, we must recognize that something deeper is at play. As Bly says,
What does it men when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone...he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some women a lot of trouble. (Iron John)
Again, this is not permission to divorce. A man who has married a woman has made her a solemn pledge; he can never heal his wound by delivering another to the one he promised to love. Sometimes she will leave him; that is another story. Too many men run after her, begging her not to go. If she has to go, it is probably because you have some soul work to do. What I am saying is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength; he goes to her to offer it. You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as a great man you do not need the woman. As Augustine said, 'Let my soul praise you for all these beauties, but let it not attach itself to them by the trap of love,' the trap of addiction because we've taken our soul to her for validation.
But there is an even deeper issue than our question. What else is it we are seeking from the Woman with the Golden Hair? What is that ache we are trying to assuage with her? Mercy, comfort, beauty, ecstasy - in a word, God. I'm serious. What we are looking for is God.
There was a time when Adam drank deeply from the source of all Love. He - our first father and archetype - lived in an unbroken communion with the most captivating, beautiful and intoxicating Source of life in the universe. Adam had God. True, it was not good for man to be alone, and God in his humility gave us Eve, allowed us to need her as well. But something happened at the Fall; something Shifted. Eve took the place of God in a man's life. Let me explain.
Adam was not deceived by the serpent. Did you know that? Paul makes it clear in 1 Timothy 2:14 - Adam did not fall because he was deceived. His sin was different; in some ways, it was more serious in that he did it with open eyes. We do not know how long it lasted, but there was a moment in Eden when Eve was fallen and Adam was not, she had eaten, but he yet had a choice. I believe something took place in his heart that went like this: I have lost my ezer kenegdo, my soul mate, the most vital companion I've known. I do not know what life will be like, but I know I cannot live without her.
Adam chose Eve over God.
If you think I exaggerate, simply look around. Look at all the art, poetry, music, drama devoted to the beautiful woman. Listen to the language men use to describe her. Watch the powerful obsession at work. What else can this be but Worship? Men come into the world without the God who was our deepest joy, our ecstasy. Aching for we know not what, we meet Eve's daughters and we are history. She is the closest thing we've ever encountered, the pinnacle of creation, the very embodiment of God's beauty and mystery and tenderness and allure. And what goes out to her is not just our longing for Eve, but our longing for God as well. A man without his true love, his life, his God, will find another. What better substitute than Eve's daughters? Nothing else in creation even comes close.
To a young man who had ever been without a girlfriend since the eighth grade, I have the advice that he should break up, call off the dating for one year. From the look on his face you'd have thought I told him to cut off his arm... or something worse. Do you see what is at work here? Notice that the struggle with pornography or masturbation is most difficult when you are lonely, or beat up, or longing for comfort in some way. This will become more intense as you get closer to your wound. The longing for the ache to go away, and pull toward other comforters can seem overwhelming. I've watched it in many men. I know it in myself. But if this is the water you are truly thirsty for, then why do you remain thirsty after you've had a drink? It's the wrong well.
We must reverse Adam's choice; we must choose God over Eve. We must take our ache to him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound.'
Wild at Heart
John Elderdge
(
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
6:18 PM )
the lights have been spoilt for two weeks alr, and I'm getting quite bored of it. I got quite a few cool new ideas but have yet to try it.
SPA is this tues and thurs. they account for 7.5% of my a level grade, so I guess I have to take it really seriously. I'm confident of my the actual experiment, but it's the questions and theory part that im not certain about. I cant quite get the chemistry behind potassium carbonate double titrations..
on the other hand, I NEED TO SLEEP!
ahhhh, fifteen august two o o nine, holland village bus stop. hahahaha
(
Sunday, August 16, 2009
5:41 AM )
Stand Still by Leeland
Broken hands and tattered clothes
Off the sides of busy roads
These are people, these are souls and
Their help's in our control
But "busy roads" is where we stay
Busy lives is just the way
How we live life today
Am I the only one afraid?
Chorus:
We're moving too fast and it's blinding us
The speed that we're in is just too quick for love
There's so many problems that we could fix
If stopping is all that we do in their midst
It's enough to feel
All the pain in the world that needs to be healed
If we just Stand Still
The love of God is in the streets
In the people that we meet
On the faces of the weak
We look and see God's strength
And are there any who will go
Forsaking lands and leaving homes
All so broken hearts may know that
God will mend their souls
We need to look around us
OKAY WAIT THIS IS EPIC.
jolena. says:
what's 1+1?
jim † says:
oh my gosh
TWO
(
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
9:45 PM )
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
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counter
there are days when everything is just perfect , and your day could not be any better.you are happy and contented and couldnt ask for more.
but there are days when everything is just wrong. beaten down, crushed, depressed, persecuted, abandoned, struck down, destroyed, flattened with no hope. you wished there was just something to be happy about, searching for something to smile about. but theres simply just nothing to smile about.
and today is one of those days.
(
Thursday, September 24, 2009
3:41 PM )
God only You understand.
(
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
7:16 AM )
Punctuality is the art of guessing how late the other guy is gonna be.
hahahahahahahahhaha.
(
Monday, September 21, 2009
7:10 PM )
Life is like a Cup of Coffee
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups have been taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of life we live.
Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee. Savor the coffee, not the cups! The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
(
Sunday, September 13, 2009
8:36 PM )
With Everything
Open our eyes
To see the things that make Your heart cry
To be the church that You would desire
Your light to be seen
Break down our pride
And all the walls we’ve built up inside
Our earthly crowns and all our desires
We lay at Your feet
Let hope rise
And darkness tremble
In Your holy light
That every eye will see
Jesus our God
Great and mighty to be praised
God of all days
Glorious in all of Your ways
Oh the majesty the wonder and grace
In the light of Your Name
With everything
With everything
We will shout for Your glory
With everything
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
Our hearts they cry
Be glorified
Be lifted high above all names
For You our King
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
i realise this song has been an inspiration to many parts of my life. literally. the song is and always will be one of my favourites. and of course. the bible verse after the song ends as well.
(
Thursday, September 10, 2009
11:06 PM )
5-1 against VS.
my first goal ever in ACJC. wooooohoooo. it was a weak but placement shot into the bottom corner. assisted by felix's good through ball.
soccer makes me happy. but scoring gives an out-of-this-world-impossible-to-describe feeling.
(
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
10:50 PM )
jim is looking forward to friday. =D
(
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
8:59 PM )
wendy has flown off. finally.
I have been dreading this day for the past year, and I guess the reality hasnt hit me yet. im gonna be optimistic; its not like she died or anything, but it's gonna be so different without a best friend and confidant. I know it will finally hit me, but I just dunno when and how.
i don't want to go on blogging in self-pity. so I guess thats it for now.
(
Saturday, August 29, 2009
12:51 AM )
yesterday was one of the most fun and craziest times of my life. what a wonderful day. it was kinda funny hanging out w people whom you hardly hang out with, like for example yifeng, trevor and matt. jumana has her rather irritating new english accent without singlish. siti's been long time no see, and it was kinda weird cos I was the only person from ac. just something I'm not used to.l
it was such an anticlimax coming back to school routine today. facing tutorial after lecture after tutorial after lecture, life seemed so surreal to just sit down and have some fun with the best people in the world. hahahahahahahahahahaha
life has been such a rollercoaster. exciting but highly unpredictable.
(
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
11:17 PM )
how many times, is it when you feel that God is silent, the circumstances are routine and monotonous, do you feel that God is actually doing a work in you? it has been very long, God. sometimes, it really takes a conscious and dying effort not to give up and to continue believing. i dont feel you near at all and i really want to give up, tempted to give up this faith, to give up trying again and again. my heart's pained by your silence. this was supposed to be the moment where you were supposed to be my source and my strength. yet where have you been? i have been trying; i really have been searching. but all this seeking has just left me empty.
(i have a knack of taking things of caleb's blog. this is rather lengthy and all, but if you do have time, esp guys, go ahead and read. its good food for the soul.)
THWARTING THE FALSE SELF
From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them. Stuart found he was good at math and science. He shut down his heart and spent all his energies perfecting his 'Spock' persona. There, in the academy, he was safe; he was also recognized and rewarded. Alex was good at sports and the whole macho image; he became a glass-eating animal. Stan became the nicest guy you could ever meet. 'In the story of my life,' he admitted, 'I want to be seen as the Nice Guy.' I became a hard-changing perfectionist; there, in my perfection, I found safety and recognition. 'When I was eight,' confesses Brennan Manning, 'the impostor, or false self , was born as a defense against pain. The impostor within whispered, 'Brennnan, don't ever be your real self anymore because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know.' Notice the key phrase: 'as a defense against pain,' as a way of saving himself. The impostor is our plan for salvation.
So God must take it all away. This often happens at the start of our initiation journey. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self. In the last chapter I told you of Brad's plan for self-redemption: he would belong to the 'inside group.' Even after it failed him time and again, breaking his heart over and over, he wouldn't give it up. He simply thought his aim was off; if he found the Right group, then his plan would work. Our plan for redemption is hard to let go of; it clings to our hearts like an octopus. So what did God do for Brad? He took it all away. God brought Brad to the point where he thought he had found The group, and then God prevented him from maneuvering his way in. Brad wrote me a letter to describe what he as going through:
God has taken all that away, stripped me of all the things I used to earn people's admiration. I knew what he was up to. He put me in a place where my heart's deepest wounds and arrows - and sin - came out. As I was weeping all these pictures of what I want to belong to came up - speaker, counselor in a group- and it was as if Jesus asked me to give them up. What came from my heart was surprising - incredible Fear. And then the image of never getting them. A sentence arose in my heart: ' You want me to die! If I give those up then I'll never belong and be somebody. You are asking me to die.' It has been my hope of salvation.
Why would God do something so cruel? Why would he do something so terrible as to wound us in the place of our deepest wound? Jesus warned us that 'whoever wants to save his life will lose it' (Luke 9:24). Christ is not using the word bios here; he's not talking about our physical life. The passage is not about trying to save your skin by ducking martyrdom or something like that. The word Christ uses for 'life' is the word psyche - the word for our soul, our inner self, our heart. He says that the things we do to save our psyche, our self, those plans to save and protect our inner life - those are the things that will actually destroy us. 'There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death' says Proverbs 16:25. The false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a life, the whole plan is built on pretense. It's a deadly trap. God loves us way too much to leave us there. So he thwarts us, in many, many different ways.
In order to take a man into his wound, so that he can heal it and begin the release of the true self, God will thwart the false self. He will take away all that you've leaned upon to bring you life. In the movie The Natural, Robert Redford is a baseball player named Roy Hobbs, perhaps the most gifted baseball player ever. He's a high school wonder boy, a natural who gets a shot at the big leagues. But his dreams of a professional career are cut short when Hobbs is wrongly sentenced to prison for murder. Years later, an aging Hobbs gets a second chance. He's signed by the New York Knights - the worst team in the league. But through his incredible gift, untarnished by the years, Hobbs leads the Knights from ignominy to the play-off game for the National League pennant. He rallies the team, becomes the center of their hopes and dreams.
The climax of the film is the game for the championship. It's the bottom of the ninth; the score is Pittsburgh 2, Knights 0. The Knights have 2 outs; there's a man on first and third when Hobbs steps up to the plate. He's their only chance; this is his moment. Now, there's something you must know, something absolutely crucial to the story. Ever since his high school days, Hobbs has played with a bat he made himself from the heart of a tree felled by lighting in his front yard. Burned into the bat is a lightning bolt and the words 'wonder boy.' That bat is the symbol of his greatness, his giftedness. He has never, ever played with another. Clutching 'wonder boy', Hobbs steps to the plate. His first swing is a miss; his second is a foul ball high and behind. His third is a solid hit along the first-base line; it looks like a home run, but it also lands foul. As Hobbs returns to the plate, he sees his bat lying there...in pieces. It shattered on that last swing.
This is the critical moment in a man's life, when all he has counted on comes crashing down, when his golden bat breaks into pieces. His investments fail; his company lets him go; the church fires him; he is leveled by an illness; his wife walks out; his daughter turns up pregnant. What is he to do? Will he stay in the game? Will he shrink back to the dugout? Will he scramble to try to put things back together, as so many men do? The true test of a man, the beginning of his redemption, actually starts when he can no longer rely on what he's used all his life. The real journey begins when the false self fails. A moment that seems like an eternity passes as Hobbs stands there, holding the broken pieces, surveying the damage. The bat is beyond repair. Then he says to the bat boy, 'God pick me out a winner, Bobby.' He stays in the game and hits a home run to win the series.
God will take away our 'bat' as well. He will do something to thwart the false self. Stuart 'saved' himself by becoming emotionless. Last year his wife walked out on him. She's had it with his two-dimensional existence; what woman wants to be married to Spock? Alex recently suffered a series of panic attacks that left him almost unable to leave his home. The whole macho construct fell to the ground. At first, nobody could believe it; Alex couldn't believe it. He was invincible, the strongest guy you ever met. But it was built as a defense against the wound. Our loss doesn't have to be something so dramatic. A man may simply awaken one day to find himself lost, lost as Dante described himself: 'In the middle of the road of my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the true way was wholly lost.' That was the turning point in my life.
I went to Washington D.C, as a young man to try to make something of myself, to prove something, establish credibility. The damnable thing about it was, I succeeded. My giftedness worked against me by coming through for me. I was recognized and rewarded. But the whole experience felt like an act of survival - not something flowing out of a deep center, but something I had to prove, overcome, grasp. As Manning said of his own impostor, 'I studied hard, scored excellent grades, won a scholarship in high school, and was stalked every waking moment by the terror of abandonment and the sense that nobody was there for me.' At the end of the two years I woke one morning and realized i hated my life.
How many helps thou giv'st to those who would learn!
To some sore pain, to others a sinking heart;
To some a weariness worse than any smart;
To some a haunting, fearing, blind concern;
Madness to some; to some the shaking dart
Of hideous death still following as they turn;
To some a hunger that will not depart
To some thou giv'st a deep unrest - a scorn
Of all they are or see upon the earth;
A gaze, at dusky night and clearning morn,
as on a land of emptiness and dearth;
To some a bitter sorrow; to some the sting
Of love misprized - of sick abandoning;
To some a frozen heart, oh, worse than anything!
The messengers of Satan think to mar,
But make - driving the soul from false to feal -
To thee, the reconciler, the one real,
In whom alone the would be and the is are met.
(George MacDonald, Diary of an Old Soul)
This is a very dangerous moment, when God seems set against everything that has meant life to us. Satan spies his opportunity, and leaps to accuse God in our hearts. You see, he says, God is angry with you. He's disappointed in you. If he loved you he would make things smoother. He's not out for your best, you know. The Enemy always tempts us back toward control, to recover and rebuild the false self. We must remember that is is out of love that God thwarts our impostor. As Hebrews reminds us, it is the son whom God disciplines, therefore do not lose heart. (12:5-6).
God thwarts us to save us. We think it will destroy us, but the opposite is true - we must be saved from what really will destroy us. If we would walk with him in our journey of masculine initiation, we must walk away from the false self - set it down, give it up willingly. It feels crazy; it feels immensely vulnerable. Brad has topped looking for the group. Stuart has begun to open his heart up to emotion, to relationship, to all that he buried so long ago. Alex stopped 'eating glass,' stopped the whole macho thing to face what he had never faced inside. I gave up perfectionism, left Washington, and went looking for my heart. We simply accept the invitation to leave all that we've relied on and venture of out with God. We can choose to do it ourselves, or we can wait for God to bring it all down.
If you have no clue as to what your false self may be, then a starting point would be to ask those you live with and work with, 'What is my effect on you? Wham am I like to live with (or work with)? What Don't you feel free to bring up with me?' If you never, ever say a word in a meeting because you fear you might say something stupid, well then, it's time to speak up. If all you ever do is dominate a meeting because your sense of self worth comes from being in charge, then you need to shut up for a while. If you've run to sports because you feel best about yourself there, then it's probably tome to give it a rest and stay home with your family. If you never play any game with other men, then it's time you go down to the gym with the guys and play some hoops. In other words, you face your fears head- on. Drop the fig leaf; come out from hiding. For how long? Longer than you want to; long enough to raise the deeper issues, let the wound surface from beneath it all.
Losing the false self is painful; though it's a mask, it's one we've worn for years and losing it can feel like losing a close friend. Underneath the mask is all the heart and fear we've been running from, hiding from. To let it come to the surface can shake us like an earthquake. Brad felt as if he was going to die, you may too. Or you may feel like Andy Gullahorn, who wrote the song 'Steel Bars' from Old Hat (© 1997 by Andy Gullahorn):
So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
But this is not the end of the road; it's the trailhead.
What you are journeying toward is freedom, healing, and authenticity.
Listen to the next part of Andy's song:
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break the chains that enslave my soul
WALKING AWAY FROM THE WOMAN
As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, those places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to the woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well. I do not mean you leave your wife. I mean to stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her. For some men, this may mean disappointing her. If you've been a passive man, tiptoeing around your wife for years, never doing anything to rock the boat, then it's time to rock it. Stand up to her; get her mad at you. For those of you violent men (including achievers), it means you stop abusing her. You release her as the object of your anger because you release her as the one who was supposed to be make you a man. Repentance for a driven man means you become kind. Both types are still going to the woman. Repentance depends on which way you've approached her.
But I have counseled many young men to break up with the woman they were dating because they had made her their life. She was the sun of his universe, around which he orbited. A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. Only then is he fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into. A friend tells me that in the Masai tribe in Africa, a young man cannot court a woman until he has killed a lion. That's their way of saying, until he has been initiated. I have seen far too many young men commit a kind of emotional promiscuity with a young woman. He will pursue her, not to offer his strength but to drink from her beauty, to be affirmed by her and feel like a man. They will share deep, intimate conversations. But he will not commit; he is Unable to commit. This is very unfair to the young lady. After a year of this sort of relationship a dear friend said, 'I never felt secure in what I meant to him.'
When we feel the pull toward the golden-haired woman, we must recognize that something deeper is at play. As Bly says,
What does it men when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone...he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some women a lot of trouble. (Iron John)
Again, this is not permission to divorce. A man who has married a woman has made her a solemn pledge; he can never heal his wound by delivering another to the one he promised to love. Sometimes she will leave him; that is another story. Too many men run after her, begging her not to go. If she has to go, it is probably because you have some soul work to do. What I am saying is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength; he goes to her to offer it. You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as a great man you do not need the woman. As Augustine said, 'Let my soul praise you for all these beauties, but let it not attach itself to them by the trap of love,' the trap of addiction because we've taken our soul to her for validation.
But there is an even deeper issue than our question. What else is it we are seeking from the Woman with the Golden Hair? What is that ache we are trying to assuage with her? Mercy, comfort, beauty, ecstasy - in a word, God. I'm serious. What we are looking for is God.
There was a time when Adam drank deeply from the source of all Love. He - our first father and archetype - lived in an unbroken communion with the most captivating, beautiful and intoxicating Source of life in the universe. Adam had God. True, it was not good for man to be alone, and God in his humility gave us Eve, allowed us to need her as well. But something happened at the Fall; something Shifted. Eve took the place of God in a man's life. Let me explain.
Adam was not deceived by the serpent. Did you know that? Paul makes it clear in 1 Timothy 2:14 - Adam did not fall because he was deceived. His sin was different; in some ways, it was more serious in that he did it with open eyes. We do not know how long it lasted, but there was a moment in Eden when Eve was fallen and Adam was not, she had eaten, but he yet had a choice. I believe something took place in his heart that went like this: I have lost my ezer kenegdo, my soul mate, the most vital companion I've known. I do not know what life will be like, but I know I cannot live without her.
Adam chose Eve over God.
If you think I exaggerate, simply look around. Look at all the art, poetry, music, drama devoted to the beautiful woman. Listen to the language men use to describe her. Watch the powerful obsession at work. What else can this be but Worship? Men come into the world without the God who was our deepest joy, our ecstasy. Aching for we know not what, we meet Eve's daughters and we are history. She is the closest thing we've ever encountered, the pinnacle of creation, the very embodiment of God's beauty and mystery and tenderness and allure. And what goes out to her is not just our longing for Eve, but our longing for God as well. A man without his true love, his life, his God, will find another. What better substitute than Eve's daughters? Nothing else in creation even comes close.
To a young man who had ever been without a girlfriend since the eighth grade, I have the advice that he should break up, call off the dating for one year. From the look on his face you'd have thought I told him to cut off his arm... or something worse. Do you see what is at work here? Notice that the struggle with pornography or masturbation is most difficult when you are lonely, or beat up, or longing for comfort in some way. This will become more intense as you get closer to your wound. The longing for the ache to go away, and pull toward other comforters can seem overwhelming. I've watched it in many men. I know it in myself. But if this is the water you are truly thirsty for, then why do you remain thirsty after you've had a drink? It's the wrong well.
We must reverse Adam's choice; we must choose God over Eve. We must take our ache to him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound.'
Wild at Heart
John Elderdge
(
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
6:18 PM )
the lights have been spoilt for two weeks alr, and I'm getting quite bored of it. I got quite a few cool new ideas but have yet to try it.
SPA is this tues and thurs. they account for 7.5% of my a level grade, so I guess I have to take it really seriously. I'm confident of my the actual experiment, but it's the questions and theory part that im not certain about. I cant quite get the chemistry behind potassium carbonate double titrations..
on the other hand, I NEED TO SLEEP!
ahhhh, fifteen august two o o nine, holland village bus stop. hahahaha
(
Sunday, August 16, 2009
5:41 AM )
Stand Still by Leeland
Broken hands and tattered clothes
Off the sides of busy roads
These are people, these are souls and
Their help's in our control
But "busy roads" is where we stay
Busy lives is just the way
How we live life today
Am I the only one afraid?
Chorus:
We're moving too fast and it's blinding us
The speed that we're in is just too quick for love
There's so many problems that we could fix
If stopping is all that we do in their midst
It's enough to feel
All the pain in the world that needs to be healed
If we just Stand Still
The love of God is in the streets
In the people that we meet
On the faces of the weak
We look and see God's strength
And are there any who will go
Forsaking lands and leaving homes
All so broken hearts may know that
God will mend their souls
We need to look around us
OKAY WAIT THIS IS EPIC.
jolena. says:
what's 1+1?
jim † says:
oh my gosh
TWO
(
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
9:45 PM )
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
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God only You understand.
(
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
7:16 AM )
Punctuality is the art of guessing how late the other guy is gonna be.
hahahahahahahahhaha.
(
Monday, September 21, 2009
7:10 PM )
Life is like a Cup of Coffee
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups have been taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of life we live.
Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee. Savor the coffee, not the cups! The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
(
Sunday, September 13, 2009
8:36 PM )
With Everything
Open our eyes
To see the things that make Your heart cry
To be the church that You would desire
Your light to be seen
Break down our pride
And all the walls we’ve built up inside
Our earthly crowns and all our desires
We lay at Your feet
Let hope rise
And darkness tremble
In Your holy light
That every eye will see
Jesus our God
Great and mighty to be praised
God of all days
Glorious in all of Your ways
Oh the majesty the wonder and grace
In the light of Your Name
With everything
With everything
We will shout for Your glory
With everything
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
Our hearts they cry
Be glorified
Be lifted high above all names
For You our King
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
i realise this song has been an inspiration to many parts of my life. literally. the song is and always will be one of my favourites. and of course. the bible verse after the song ends as well.
(
Thursday, September 10, 2009
11:06 PM )
5-1 against VS.
my first goal ever in ACJC. wooooohoooo. it was a weak but placement shot into the bottom corner. assisted by felix's good through ball.
soccer makes me happy. but scoring gives an out-of-this-world-impossible-to-describe feeling.
(
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
10:50 PM )
jim is looking forward to friday. =D
(
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
8:59 PM )
wendy has flown off. finally.
I have been dreading this day for the past year, and I guess the reality hasnt hit me yet. im gonna be optimistic; its not like she died or anything, but it's gonna be so different without a best friend and confidant. I know it will finally hit me, but I just dunno when and how.
i don't want to go on blogging in self-pity. so I guess thats it for now.
(
Saturday, August 29, 2009
12:51 AM )
yesterday was one of the most fun and craziest times of my life. what a wonderful day. it was kinda funny hanging out w people whom you hardly hang out with, like for example yifeng, trevor and matt. jumana has her rather irritating new english accent without singlish. siti's been long time no see, and it was kinda weird cos I was the only person from ac. just something I'm not used to.l
it was such an anticlimax coming back to school routine today. facing tutorial after lecture after tutorial after lecture, life seemed so surreal to just sit down and have some fun with the best people in the world. hahahahahahahahahahaha
life has been such a rollercoaster. exciting but highly unpredictable.
(
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
11:17 PM )
how many times, is it when you feel that God is silent, the circumstances are routine and monotonous, do you feel that God is actually doing a work in you? it has been very long, God. sometimes, it really takes a conscious and dying effort not to give up and to continue believing. i dont feel you near at all and i really want to give up, tempted to give up this faith, to give up trying again and again. my heart's pained by your silence. this was supposed to be the moment where you were supposed to be my source and my strength. yet where have you been? i have been trying; i really have been searching. but all this seeking has just left me empty.
(i have a knack of taking things of caleb's blog. this is rather lengthy and all, but if you do have time, esp guys, go ahead and read. its good food for the soul.)
THWARTING THE FALSE SELF
From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them. Stuart found he was good at math and science. He shut down his heart and spent all his energies perfecting his 'Spock' persona. There, in the academy, he was safe; he was also recognized and rewarded. Alex was good at sports and the whole macho image; he became a glass-eating animal. Stan became the nicest guy you could ever meet. 'In the story of my life,' he admitted, 'I want to be seen as the Nice Guy.' I became a hard-changing perfectionist; there, in my perfection, I found safety and recognition. 'When I was eight,' confesses Brennan Manning, 'the impostor, or false self , was born as a defense against pain. The impostor within whispered, 'Brennnan, don't ever be your real self anymore because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know.' Notice the key phrase: 'as a defense against pain,' as a way of saving himself. The impostor is our plan for salvation.
So God must take it all away. This often happens at the start of our initiation journey. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self. In the last chapter I told you of Brad's plan for self-redemption: he would belong to the 'inside group.' Even after it failed him time and again, breaking his heart over and over, he wouldn't give it up. He simply thought his aim was off; if he found the Right group, then his plan would work. Our plan for redemption is hard to let go of; it clings to our hearts like an octopus. So what did God do for Brad? He took it all away. God brought Brad to the point where he thought he had found The group, and then God prevented him from maneuvering his way in. Brad wrote me a letter to describe what he as going through:
God has taken all that away, stripped me of all the things I used to earn people's admiration. I knew what he was up to. He put me in a place where my heart's deepest wounds and arrows - and sin - came out. As I was weeping all these pictures of what I want to belong to came up - speaker, counselor in a group- and it was as if Jesus asked me to give them up. What came from my heart was surprising - incredible Fear. And then the image of never getting them. A sentence arose in my heart: ' You want me to die! If I give those up then I'll never belong and be somebody. You are asking me to die.' It has been my hope of salvation.
Why would God do something so cruel? Why would he do something so terrible as to wound us in the place of our deepest wound? Jesus warned us that 'whoever wants to save his life will lose it' (Luke 9:24). Christ is not using the word bios here; he's not talking about our physical life. The passage is not about trying to save your skin by ducking martyrdom or something like that. The word Christ uses for 'life' is the word psyche - the word for our soul, our inner self, our heart. He says that the things we do to save our psyche, our self, those plans to save and protect our inner life - those are the things that will actually destroy us. 'There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death' says Proverbs 16:25. The false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a life, the whole plan is built on pretense. It's a deadly trap. God loves us way too much to leave us there. So he thwarts us, in many, many different ways.
In order to take a man into his wound, so that he can heal it and begin the release of the true self, God will thwart the false self. He will take away all that you've leaned upon to bring you life. In the movie The Natural, Robert Redford is a baseball player named Roy Hobbs, perhaps the most gifted baseball player ever. He's a high school wonder boy, a natural who gets a shot at the big leagues. But his dreams of a professional career are cut short when Hobbs is wrongly sentenced to prison for murder. Years later, an aging Hobbs gets a second chance. He's signed by the New York Knights - the worst team in the league. But through his incredible gift, untarnished by the years, Hobbs leads the Knights from ignominy to the play-off game for the National League pennant. He rallies the team, becomes the center of their hopes and dreams.
The climax of the film is the game for the championship. It's the bottom of the ninth; the score is Pittsburgh 2, Knights 0. The Knights have 2 outs; there's a man on first and third when Hobbs steps up to the plate. He's their only chance; this is his moment. Now, there's something you must know, something absolutely crucial to the story. Ever since his high school days, Hobbs has played with a bat he made himself from the heart of a tree felled by lighting in his front yard. Burned into the bat is a lightning bolt and the words 'wonder boy.' That bat is the symbol of his greatness, his giftedness. He has never, ever played with another. Clutching 'wonder boy', Hobbs steps to the plate. His first swing is a miss; his second is a foul ball high and behind. His third is a solid hit along the first-base line; it looks like a home run, but it also lands foul. As Hobbs returns to the plate, he sees his bat lying there...in pieces. It shattered on that last swing.
This is the critical moment in a man's life, when all he has counted on comes crashing down, when his golden bat breaks into pieces. His investments fail; his company lets him go; the church fires him; he is leveled by an illness; his wife walks out; his daughter turns up pregnant. What is he to do? Will he stay in the game? Will he shrink back to the dugout? Will he scramble to try to put things back together, as so many men do? The true test of a man, the beginning of his redemption, actually starts when he can no longer rely on what he's used all his life. The real journey begins when the false self fails. A moment that seems like an eternity passes as Hobbs stands there, holding the broken pieces, surveying the damage. The bat is beyond repair. Then he says to the bat boy, 'God pick me out a winner, Bobby.' He stays in the game and hits a home run to win the series.
God will take away our 'bat' as well. He will do something to thwart the false self. Stuart 'saved' himself by becoming emotionless. Last year his wife walked out on him. She's had it with his two-dimensional existence; what woman wants to be married to Spock? Alex recently suffered a series of panic attacks that left him almost unable to leave his home. The whole macho construct fell to the ground. At first, nobody could believe it; Alex couldn't believe it. He was invincible, the strongest guy you ever met. But it was built as a defense against the wound. Our loss doesn't have to be something so dramatic. A man may simply awaken one day to find himself lost, lost as Dante described himself: 'In the middle of the road of my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the true way was wholly lost.' That was the turning point in my life.
I went to Washington D.C, as a young man to try to make something of myself, to prove something, establish credibility. The damnable thing about it was, I succeeded. My giftedness worked against me by coming through for me. I was recognized and rewarded. But the whole experience felt like an act of survival - not something flowing out of a deep center, but something I had to prove, overcome, grasp. As Manning said of his own impostor, 'I studied hard, scored excellent grades, won a scholarship in high school, and was stalked every waking moment by the terror of abandonment and the sense that nobody was there for me.' At the end of the two years I woke one morning and realized i hated my life.
How many helps thou giv'st to those who would learn!
To some sore pain, to others a sinking heart;
To some a weariness worse than any smart;
To some a haunting, fearing, blind concern;
Madness to some; to some the shaking dart
Of hideous death still following as they turn;
To some a hunger that will not depart
To some thou giv'st a deep unrest - a scorn
Of all they are or see upon the earth;
A gaze, at dusky night and clearning morn,
as on a land of emptiness and dearth;
To some a bitter sorrow; to some the sting
Of love misprized - of sick abandoning;
To some a frozen heart, oh, worse than anything!
The messengers of Satan think to mar,
But make - driving the soul from false to feal -
To thee, the reconciler, the one real,
In whom alone the would be and the is are met.
(George MacDonald, Diary of an Old Soul)
This is a very dangerous moment, when God seems set against everything that has meant life to us. Satan spies his opportunity, and leaps to accuse God in our hearts. You see, he says, God is angry with you. He's disappointed in you. If he loved you he would make things smoother. He's not out for your best, you know. The Enemy always tempts us back toward control, to recover and rebuild the false self. We must remember that is is out of love that God thwarts our impostor. As Hebrews reminds us, it is the son whom God disciplines, therefore do not lose heart. (12:5-6).
God thwarts us to save us. We think it will destroy us, but the opposite is true - we must be saved from what really will destroy us. If we would walk with him in our journey of masculine initiation, we must walk away from the false self - set it down, give it up willingly. It feels crazy; it feels immensely vulnerable. Brad has topped looking for the group. Stuart has begun to open his heart up to emotion, to relationship, to all that he buried so long ago. Alex stopped 'eating glass,' stopped the whole macho thing to face what he had never faced inside. I gave up perfectionism, left Washington, and went looking for my heart. We simply accept the invitation to leave all that we've relied on and venture of out with God. We can choose to do it ourselves, or we can wait for God to bring it all down.
If you have no clue as to what your false self may be, then a starting point would be to ask those you live with and work with, 'What is my effect on you? Wham am I like to live with (or work with)? What Don't you feel free to bring up with me?' If you never, ever say a word in a meeting because you fear you might say something stupid, well then, it's time to speak up. If all you ever do is dominate a meeting because your sense of self worth comes from being in charge, then you need to shut up for a while. If you've run to sports because you feel best about yourself there, then it's probably tome to give it a rest and stay home with your family. If you never play any game with other men, then it's time you go down to the gym with the guys and play some hoops. In other words, you face your fears head- on. Drop the fig leaf; come out from hiding. For how long? Longer than you want to; long enough to raise the deeper issues, let the wound surface from beneath it all.
Losing the false self is painful; though it's a mask, it's one we've worn for years and losing it can feel like losing a close friend. Underneath the mask is all the heart and fear we've been running from, hiding from. To let it come to the surface can shake us like an earthquake. Brad felt as if he was going to die, you may too. Or you may feel like Andy Gullahorn, who wrote the song 'Steel Bars' from Old Hat (© 1997 by Andy Gullahorn):
So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
But this is not the end of the road; it's the trailhead.
What you are journeying toward is freedom, healing, and authenticity.
Listen to the next part of Andy's song:
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break the chains that enslave my soul
WALKING AWAY FROM THE WOMAN
As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, those places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to the woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well. I do not mean you leave your wife. I mean to stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her. For some men, this may mean disappointing her. If you've been a passive man, tiptoeing around your wife for years, never doing anything to rock the boat, then it's time to rock it. Stand up to her; get her mad at you. For those of you violent men (including achievers), it means you stop abusing her. You release her as the object of your anger because you release her as the one who was supposed to be make you a man. Repentance for a driven man means you become kind. Both types are still going to the woman. Repentance depends on which way you've approached her.
But I have counseled many young men to break up with the woman they were dating because they had made her their life. She was the sun of his universe, around which he orbited. A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. Only then is he fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into. A friend tells me that in the Masai tribe in Africa, a young man cannot court a woman until he has killed a lion. That's their way of saying, until he has been initiated. I have seen far too many young men commit a kind of emotional promiscuity with a young woman. He will pursue her, not to offer his strength but to drink from her beauty, to be affirmed by her and feel like a man. They will share deep, intimate conversations. But he will not commit; he is Unable to commit. This is very unfair to the young lady. After a year of this sort of relationship a dear friend said, 'I never felt secure in what I meant to him.'
When we feel the pull toward the golden-haired woman, we must recognize that something deeper is at play. As Bly says,
What does it men when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone...he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some women a lot of trouble. (Iron John)
Again, this is not permission to divorce. A man who has married a woman has made her a solemn pledge; he can never heal his wound by delivering another to the one he promised to love. Sometimes she will leave him; that is another story. Too many men run after her, begging her not to go. If she has to go, it is probably because you have some soul work to do. What I am saying is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength; he goes to her to offer it. You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as a great man you do not need the woman. As Augustine said, 'Let my soul praise you for all these beauties, but let it not attach itself to them by the trap of love,' the trap of addiction because we've taken our soul to her for validation.
But there is an even deeper issue than our question. What else is it we are seeking from the Woman with the Golden Hair? What is that ache we are trying to assuage with her? Mercy, comfort, beauty, ecstasy - in a word, God. I'm serious. What we are looking for is God.
There was a time when Adam drank deeply from the source of all Love. He - our first father and archetype - lived in an unbroken communion with the most captivating, beautiful and intoxicating Source of life in the universe. Adam had God. True, it was not good for man to be alone, and God in his humility gave us Eve, allowed us to need her as well. But something happened at the Fall; something Shifted. Eve took the place of God in a man's life. Let me explain.
Adam was not deceived by the serpent. Did you know that? Paul makes it clear in 1 Timothy 2:14 - Adam did not fall because he was deceived. His sin was different; in some ways, it was more serious in that he did it with open eyes. We do not know how long it lasted, but there was a moment in Eden when Eve was fallen and Adam was not, she had eaten, but he yet had a choice. I believe something took place in his heart that went like this: I have lost my ezer kenegdo, my soul mate, the most vital companion I've known. I do not know what life will be like, but I know I cannot live without her.
Adam chose Eve over God.
If you think I exaggerate, simply look around. Look at all the art, poetry, music, drama devoted to the beautiful woman. Listen to the language men use to describe her. Watch the powerful obsession at work. What else can this be but Worship? Men come into the world without the God who was our deepest joy, our ecstasy. Aching for we know not what, we meet Eve's daughters and we are history. She is the closest thing we've ever encountered, the pinnacle of creation, the very embodiment of God's beauty and mystery and tenderness and allure. And what goes out to her is not just our longing for Eve, but our longing for God as well. A man without his true love, his life, his God, will find another. What better substitute than Eve's daughters? Nothing else in creation even comes close.
To a young man who had ever been without a girlfriend since the eighth grade, I have the advice that he should break up, call off the dating for one year. From the look on his face you'd have thought I told him to cut off his arm... or something worse. Do you see what is at work here? Notice that the struggle with pornography or masturbation is most difficult when you are lonely, or beat up, or longing for comfort in some way. This will become more intense as you get closer to your wound. The longing for the ache to go away, and pull toward other comforters can seem overwhelming. I've watched it in many men. I know it in myself. But if this is the water you are truly thirsty for, then why do you remain thirsty after you've had a drink? It's the wrong well.
We must reverse Adam's choice; we must choose God over Eve. We must take our ache to him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound.'
Wild at Heart
John Elderdge
(
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
6:18 PM )
the lights have been spoilt for two weeks alr, and I'm getting quite bored of it. I got quite a few cool new ideas but have yet to try it.
SPA is this tues and thurs. they account for 7.5% of my a level grade, so I guess I have to take it really seriously. I'm confident of my the actual experiment, but it's the questions and theory part that im not certain about. I cant quite get the chemistry behind potassium carbonate double titrations..
on the other hand, I NEED TO SLEEP!
ahhhh, fifteen august two o o nine, holland village bus stop. hahahaha
(
Sunday, August 16, 2009
5:41 AM )
Stand Still by Leeland
Broken hands and tattered clothes
Off the sides of busy roads
These are people, these are souls and
Their help's in our control
But "busy roads" is where we stay
Busy lives is just the way
How we live life today
Am I the only one afraid?
Chorus:
We're moving too fast and it's blinding us
The speed that we're in is just too quick for love
There's so many problems that we could fix
If stopping is all that we do in their midst
It's enough to feel
All the pain in the world that needs to be healed
If we just Stand Still
The love of God is in the streets
In the people that we meet
On the faces of the weak
We look and see God's strength
And are there any who will go
Forsaking lands and leaving homes
All so broken hearts may know that
God will mend their souls
We need to look around us
OKAY WAIT THIS IS EPIC.
jolena. says:
what's 1+1?
jim † says:
oh my gosh
TWO
(
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
9:45 PM )
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
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Punctuality is the art of guessing how late the other guy is gonna be.
hahahahahahahahhaha.
(
Monday, September 21, 2009
7:10 PM )
Life is like a Cup of Coffee
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups have been taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of life we live.
Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee. Savor the coffee, not the cups! The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
(
Sunday, September 13, 2009
8:36 PM )
With Everything
Open our eyes
To see the things that make Your heart cry
To be the church that You would desire
Your light to be seen
Break down our pride
And all the walls we’ve built up inside
Our earthly crowns and all our desires
We lay at Your feet
Let hope rise
And darkness tremble
In Your holy light
That every eye will see
Jesus our God
Great and mighty to be praised
God of all days
Glorious in all of Your ways
Oh the majesty the wonder and grace
In the light of Your Name
With everything
With everything
We will shout for Your glory
With everything
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
Our hearts they cry
Be glorified
Be lifted high above all names
For You our King
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
i realise this song has been an inspiration to many parts of my life. literally. the song is and always will be one of my favourites. and of course. the bible verse after the song ends as well.
(
Thursday, September 10, 2009
11:06 PM )
5-1 against VS.
my first goal ever in ACJC. wooooohoooo. it was a weak but placement shot into the bottom corner. assisted by felix's good through ball.
soccer makes me happy. but scoring gives an out-of-this-world-impossible-to-describe feeling.
(
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
10:50 PM )
jim is looking forward to friday. =D
(
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
8:59 PM )
wendy has flown off. finally.
I have been dreading this day for the past year, and I guess the reality hasnt hit me yet. im gonna be optimistic; its not like she died or anything, but it's gonna be so different without a best friend and confidant. I know it will finally hit me, but I just dunno when and how.
i don't want to go on blogging in self-pity. so I guess thats it for now.
(
Saturday, August 29, 2009
12:51 AM )
yesterday was one of the most fun and craziest times of my life. what a wonderful day. it was kinda funny hanging out w people whom you hardly hang out with, like for example yifeng, trevor and matt. jumana has her rather irritating new english accent without singlish. siti's been long time no see, and it was kinda weird cos I was the only person from ac. just something I'm not used to.l
it was such an anticlimax coming back to school routine today. facing tutorial after lecture after tutorial after lecture, life seemed so surreal to just sit down and have some fun with the best people in the world. hahahahahahahahahahaha
life has been such a rollercoaster. exciting but highly unpredictable.
(
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
11:17 PM )
how many times, is it when you feel that God is silent, the circumstances are routine and monotonous, do you feel that God is actually doing a work in you? it has been very long, God. sometimes, it really takes a conscious and dying effort not to give up and to continue believing. i dont feel you near at all and i really want to give up, tempted to give up this faith, to give up trying again and again. my heart's pained by your silence. this was supposed to be the moment where you were supposed to be my source and my strength. yet where have you been? i have been trying; i really have been searching. but all this seeking has just left me empty.
(i have a knack of taking things of caleb's blog. this is rather lengthy and all, but if you do have time, esp guys, go ahead and read. its good food for the soul.)
THWARTING THE FALSE SELF
From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them. Stuart found he was good at math and science. He shut down his heart and spent all his energies perfecting his 'Spock' persona. There, in the academy, he was safe; he was also recognized and rewarded. Alex was good at sports and the whole macho image; he became a glass-eating animal. Stan became the nicest guy you could ever meet. 'In the story of my life,' he admitted, 'I want to be seen as the Nice Guy.' I became a hard-changing perfectionist; there, in my perfection, I found safety and recognition. 'When I was eight,' confesses Brennan Manning, 'the impostor, or false self , was born as a defense against pain. The impostor within whispered, 'Brennnan, don't ever be your real self anymore because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know.' Notice the key phrase: 'as a defense against pain,' as a way of saving himself. The impostor is our plan for salvation.
So God must take it all away. This often happens at the start of our initiation journey. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self. In the last chapter I told you of Brad's plan for self-redemption: he would belong to the 'inside group.' Even after it failed him time and again, breaking his heart over and over, he wouldn't give it up. He simply thought his aim was off; if he found the Right group, then his plan would work. Our plan for redemption is hard to let go of; it clings to our hearts like an octopus. So what did God do for Brad? He took it all away. God brought Brad to the point where he thought he had found The group, and then God prevented him from maneuvering his way in. Brad wrote me a letter to describe what he as going through:
God has taken all that away, stripped me of all the things I used to earn people's admiration. I knew what he was up to. He put me in a place where my heart's deepest wounds and arrows - and sin - came out. As I was weeping all these pictures of what I want to belong to came up - speaker, counselor in a group- and it was as if Jesus asked me to give them up. What came from my heart was surprising - incredible Fear. And then the image of never getting them. A sentence arose in my heart: ' You want me to die! If I give those up then I'll never belong and be somebody. You are asking me to die.' It has been my hope of salvation.
Why would God do something so cruel? Why would he do something so terrible as to wound us in the place of our deepest wound? Jesus warned us that 'whoever wants to save his life will lose it' (Luke 9:24). Christ is not using the word bios here; he's not talking about our physical life. The passage is not about trying to save your skin by ducking martyrdom or something like that. The word Christ uses for 'life' is the word psyche - the word for our soul, our inner self, our heart. He says that the things we do to save our psyche, our self, those plans to save and protect our inner life - those are the things that will actually destroy us. 'There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death' says Proverbs 16:25. The false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a life, the whole plan is built on pretense. It's a deadly trap. God loves us way too much to leave us there. So he thwarts us, in many, many different ways.
In order to take a man into his wound, so that he can heal it and begin the release of the true self, God will thwart the false self. He will take away all that you've leaned upon to bring you life. In the movie The Natural, Robert Redford is a baseball player named Roy Hobbs, perhaps the most gifted baseball player ever. He's a high school wonder boy, a natural who gets a shot at the big leagues. But his dreams of a professional career are cut short when Hobbs is wrongly sentenced to prison for murder. Years later, an aging Hobbs gets a second chance. He's signed by the New York Knights - the worst team in the league. But through his incredible gift, untarnished by the years, Hobbs leads the Knights from ignominy to the play-off game for the National League pennant. He rallies the team, becomes the center of their hopes and dreams.
The climax of the film is the game for the championship. It's the bottom of the ninth; the score is Pittsburgh 2, Knights 0. The Knights have 2 outs; there's a man on first and third when Hobbs steps up to the plate. He's their only chance; this is his moment. Now, there's something you must know, something absolutely crucial to the story. Ever since his high school days, Hobbs has played with a bat he made himself from the heart of a tree felled by lighting in his front yard. Burned into the bat is a lightning bolt and the words 'wonder boy.' That bat is the symbol of his greatness, his giftedness. He has never, ever played with another. Clutching 'wonder boy', Hobbs steps to the plate. His first swing is a miss; his second is a foul ball high and behind. His third is a solid hit along the first-base line; it looks like a home run, but it also lands foul. As Hobbs returns to the plate, he sees his bat lying there...in pieces. It shattered on that last swing.
This is the critical moment in a man's life, when all he has counted on comes crashing down, when his golden bat breaks into pieces. His investments fail; his company lets him go; the church fires him; he is leveled by an illness; his wife walks out; his daughter turns up pregnant. What is he to do? Will he stay in the game? Will he shrink back to the dugout? Will he scramble to try to put things back together, as so many men do? The true test of a man, the beginning of his redemption, actually starts when he can no longer rely on what he's used all his life. The real journey begins when the false self fails. A moment that seems like an eternity passes as Hobbs stands there, holding the broken pieces, surveying the damage. The bat is beyond repair. Then he says to the bat boy, 'God pick me out a winner, Bobby.' He stays in the game and hits a home run to win the series.
God will take away our 'bat' as well. He will do something to thwart the false self. Stuart 'saved' himself by becoming emotionless. Last year his wife walked out on him. She's had it with his two-dimensional existence; what woman wants to be married to Spock? Alex recently suffered a series of panic attacks that left him almost unable to leave his home. The whole macho construct fell to the ground. At first, nobody could believe it; Alex couldn't believe it. He was invincible, the strongest guy you ever met. But it was built as a defense against the wound. Our loss doesn't have to be something so dramatic. A man may simply awaken one day to find himself lost, lost as Dante described himself: 'In the middle of the road of my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the true way was wholly lost.' That was the turning point in my life.
I went to Washington D.C, as a young man to try to make something of myself, to prove something, establish credibility. The damnable thing about it was, I succeeded. My giftedness worked against me by coming through for me. I was recognized and rewarded. But the whole experience felt like an act of survival - not something flowing out of a deep center, but something I had to prove, overcome, grasp. As Manning said of his own impostor, 'I studied hard, scored excellent grades, won a scholarship in high school, and was stalked every waking moment by the terror of abandonment and the sense that nobody was there for me.' At the end of the two years I woke one morning and realized i hated my life.
How many helps thou giv'st to those who would learn!
To some sore pain, to others a sinking heart;
To some a weariness worse than any smart;
To some a haunting, fearing, blind concern;
Madness to some; to some the shaking dart
Of hideous death still following as they turn;
To some a hunger that will not depart
To some thou giv'st a deep unrest - a scorn
Of all they are or see upon the earth;
A gaze, at dusky night and clearning morn,
as on a land of emptiness and dearth;
To some a bitter sorrow; to some the sting
Of love misprized - of sick abandoning;
To some a frozen heart, oh, worse than anything!
The messengers of Satan think to mar,
But make - driving the soul from false to feal -
To thee, the reconciler, the one real,
In whom alone the would be and the is are met.
(George MacDonald, Diary of an Old Soul)
This is a very dangerous moment, when God seems set against everything that has meant life to us. Satan spies his opportunity, and leaps to accuse God in our hearts. You see, he says, God is angry with you. He's disappointed in you. If he loved you he would make things smoother. He's not out for your best, you know. The Enemy always tempts us back toward control, to recover and rebuild the false self. We must remember that is is out of love that God thwarts our impostor. As Hebrews reminds us, it is the son whom God disciplines, therefore do not lose heart. (12:5-6).
God thwarts us to save us. We think it will destroy us, but the opposite is true - we must be saved from what really will destroy us. If we would walk with him in our journey of masculine initiation, we must walk away from the false self - set it down, give it up willingly. It feels crazy; it feels immensely vulnerable. Brad has topped looking for the group. Stuart has begun to open his heart up to emotion, to relationship, to all that he buried so long ago. Alex stopped 'eating glass,' stopped the whole macho thing to face what he had never faced inside. I gave up perfectionism, left Washington, and went looking for my heart. We simply accept the invitation to leave all that we've relied on and venture of out with God. We can choose to do it ourselves, or we can wait for God to bring it all down.
If you have no clue as to what your false self may be, then a starting point would be to ask those you live with and work with, 'What is my effect on you? Wham am I like to live with (or work with)? What Don't you feel free to bring up with me?' If you never, ever say a word in a meeting because you fear you might say something stupid, well then, it's time to speak up. If all you ever do is dominate a meeting because your sense of self worth comes from being in charge, then you need to shut up for a while. If you've run to sports because you feel best about yourself there, then it's probably tome to give it a rest and stay home with your family. If you never play any game with other men, then it's time you go down to the gym with the guys and play some hoops. In other words, you face your fears head- on. Drop the fig leaf; come out from hiding. For how long? Longer than you want to; long enough to raise the deeper issues, let the wound surface from beneath it all.
Losing the false self is painful; though it's a mask, it's one we've worn for years and losing it can feel like losing a close friend. Underneath the mask is all the heart and fear we've been running from, hiding from. To let it come to the surface can shake us like an earthquake. Brad felt as if he was going to die, you may too. Or you may feel like Andy Gullahorn, who wrote the song 'Steel Bars' from Old Hat (© 1997 by Andy Gullahorn):
So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
But this is not the end of the road; it's the trailhead.
What you are journeying toward is freedom, healing, and authenticity.
Listen to the next part of Andy's song:
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break the chains that enslave my soul
WALKING AWAY FROM THE WOMAN
As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, those places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to the woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well. I do not mean you leave your wife. I mean to stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her. For some men, this may mean disappointing her. If you've been a passive man, tiptoeing around your wife for years, never doing anything to rock the boat, then it's time to rock it. Stand up to her; get her mad at you. For those of you violent men (including achievers), it means you stop abusing her. You release her as the object of your anger because you release her as the one who was supposed to be make you a man. Repentance for a driven man means you become kind. Both types are still going to the woman. Repentance depends on which way you've approached her.
But I have counseled many young men to break up with the woman they were dating because they had made her their life. She was the sun of his universe, around which he orbited. A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. Only then is he fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into. A friend tells me that in the Masai tribe in Africa, a young man cannot court a woman until he has killed a lion. That's their way of saying, until he has been initiated. I have seen far too many young men commit a kind of emotional promiscuity with a young woman. He will pursue her, not to offer his strength but to drink from her beauty, to be affirmed by her and feel like a man. They will share deep, intimate conversations. But he will not commit; he is Unable to commit. This is very unfair to the young lady. After a year of this sort of relationship a dear friend said, 'I never felt secure in what I meant to him.'
When we feel the pull toward the golden-haired woman, we must recognize that something deeper is at play. As Bly says,
What does it men when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone...he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some women a lot of trouble. (Iron John)
Again, this is not permission to divorce. A man who has married a woman has made her a solemn pledge; he can never heal his wound by delivering another to the one he promised to love. Sometimes she will leave him; that is another story. Too many men run after her, begging her not to go. If she has to go, it is probably because you have some soul work to do. What I am saying is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength; he goes to her to offer it. You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as a great man you do not need the woman. As Augustine said, 'Let my soul praise you for all these beauties, but let it not attach itself to them by the trap of love,' the trap of addiction because we've taken our soul to her for validation.
But there is an even deeper issue than our question. What else is it we are seeking from the Woman with the Golden Hair? What is that ache we are trying to assuage with her? Mercy, comfort, beauty, ecstasy - in a word, God. I'm serious. What we are looking for is God.
There was a time when Adam drank deeply from the source of all Love. He - our first father and archetype - lived in an unbroken communion with the most captivating, beautiful and intoxicating Source of life in the universe. Adam had God. True, it was not good for man to be alone, and God in his humility gave us Eve, allowed us to need her as well. But something happened at the Fall; something Shifted. Eve took the place of God in a man's life. Let me explain.
Adam was not deceived by the serpent. Did you know that? Paul makes it clear in 1 Timothy 2:14 - Adam did not fall because he was deceived. His sin was different; in some ways, it was more serious in that he did it with open eyes. We do not know how long it lasted, but there was a moment in Eden when Eve was fallen and Adam was not, she had eaten, but he yet had a choice. I believe something took place in his heart that went like this: I have lost my ezer kenegdo, my soul mate, the most vital companion I've known. I do not know what life will be like, but I know I cannot live without her.
Adam chose Eve over God.
If you think I exaggerate, simply look around. Look at all the art, poetry, music, drama devoted to the beautiful woman. Listen to the language men use to describe her. Watch the powerful obsession at work. What else can this be but Worship? Men come into the world without the God who was our deepest joy, our ecstasy. Aching for we know not what, we meet Eve's daughters and we are history. She is the closest thing we've ever encountered, the pinnacle of creation, the very embodiment of God's beauty and mystery and tenderness and allure. And what goes out to her is not just our longing for Eve, but our longing for God as well. A man without his true love, his life, his God, will find another. What better substitute than Eve's daughters? Nothing else in creation even comes close.
To a young man who had ever been without a girlfriend since the eighth grade, I have the advice that he should break up, call off the dating for one year. From the look on his face you'd have thought I told him to cut off his arm... or something worse. Do you see what is at work here? Notice that the struggle with pornography or masturbation is most difficult when you are lonely, or beat up, or longing for comfort in some way. This will become more intense as you get closer to your wound. The longing for the ache to go away, and pull toward other comforters can seem overwhelming. I've watched it in many men. I know it in myself. But if this is the water you are truly thirsty for, then why do you remain thirsty after you've had a drink? It's the wrong well.
We must reverse Adam's choice; we must choose God over Eve. We must take our ache to him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound.'
Wild at Heart
John Elderdge
(
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
6:18 PM )
the lights have been spoilt for two weeks alr, and I'm getting quite bored of it. I got quite a few cool new ideas but have yet to try it.
SPA is this tues and thurs. they account for 7.5% of my a level grade, so I guess I have to take it really seriously. I'm confident of my the actual experiment, but it's the questions and theory part that im not certain about. I cant quite get the chemistry behind potassium carbonate double titrations..
on the other hand, I NEED TO SLEEP!
ahhhh, fifteen august two o o nine, holland village bus stop. hahahaha
(
Sunday, August 16, 2009
5:41 AM )
Stand Still by Leeland
Broken hands and tattered clothes
Off the sides of busy roads
These are people, these are souls and
Their help's in our control
But "busy roads" is where we stay
Busy lives is just the way
How we live life today
Am I the only one afraid?
Chorus:
We're moving too fast and it's blinding us
The speed that we're in is just too quick for love
There's so many problems that we could fix
If stopping is all that we do in their midst
It's enough to feel
All the pain in the world that needs to be healed
If we just Stand Still
The love of God is in the streets
In the people that we meet
On the faces of the weak
We look and see God's strength
And are there any who will go
Forsaking lands and leaving homes
All so broken hearts may know that
God will mend their souls
We need to look around us
OKAY WAIT THIS IS EPIC.
jolena. says:
what's 1+1?
jim † says:
oh my gosh
TWO
(
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
9:45 PM )
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
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counter
Life is like a Cup of Coffee
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups have been taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of life we live.
Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee. Savor the coffee, not the cups! The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
(
Sunday, September 13, 2009
8:36 PM )
With Everything
Open our eyes
To see the things that make Your heart cry
To be the church that You would desire
Your light to be seen
Break down our pride
And all the walls we’ve built up inside
Our earthly crowns and all our desires
We lay at Your feet
Let hope rise
And darkness tremble
In Your holy light
That every eye will see
Jesus our God
Great and mighty to be praised
God of all days
Glorious in all of Your ways
Oh the majesty the wonder and grace
In the light of Your Name
With everything
With everything
We will shout for Your glory
With everything
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
Our hearts they cry
Be glorified
Be lifted high above all names
For You our King
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
i realise this song has been an inspiration to many parts of my life. literally. the song is and always will be one of my favourites. and of course. the bible verse after the song ends as well.
(
Thursday, September 10, 2009
11:06 PM )
5-1 against VS.
my first goal ever in ACJC. wooooohoooo. it was a weak but placement shot into the bottom corner. assisted by felix's good through ball.
soccer makes me happy. but scoring gives an out-of-this-world-impossible-to-describe feeling.
(
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
10:50 PM )
jim is looking forward to friday. =D
(
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
8:59 PM )
wendy has flown off. finally.
I have been dreading this day for the past year, and I guess the reality hasnt hit me yet. im gonna be optimistic; its not like she died or anything, but it's gonna be so different without a best friend and confidant. I know it will finally hit me, but I just dunno when and how.
i don't want to go on blogging in self-pity. so I guess thats it for now.
(
Saturday, August 29, 2009
12:51 AM )
yesterday was one of the most fun and craziest times of my life. what a wonderful day. it was kinda funny hanging out w people whom you hardly hang out with, like for example yifeng, trevor and matt. jumana has her rather irritating new english accent without singlish. siti's been long time no see, and it was kinda weird cos I was the only person from ac. just something I'm not used to.l
it was such an anticlimax coming back to school routine today. facing tutorial after lecture after tutorial after lecture, life seemed so surreal to just sit down and have some fun with the best people in the world. hahahahahahahahahahaha
life has been such a rollercoaster. exciting but highly unpredictable.
(
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
11:17 PM )
how many times, is it when you feel that God is silent, the circumstances are routine and monotonous, do you feel that God is actually doing a work in you? it has been very long, God. sometimes, it really takes a conscious and dying effort not to give up and to continue believing. i dont feel you near at all and i really want to give up, tempted to give up this faith, to give up trying again and again. my heart's pained by your silence. this was supposed to be the moment where you were supposed to be my source and my strength. yet where have you been? i have been trying; i really have been searching. but all this seeking has just left me empty.
(i have a knack of taking things of caleb's blog. this is rather lengthy and all, but if you do have time, esp guys, go ahead and read. its good food for the soul.)
THWARTING THE FALSE SELF
From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them. Stuart found he was good at math and science. He shut down his heart and spent all his energies perfecting his 'Spock' persona. There, in the academy, he was safe; he was also recognized and rewarded. Alex was good at sports and the whole macho image; he became a glass-eating animal. Stan became the nicest guy you could ever meet. 'In the story of my life,' he admitted, 'I want to be seen as the Nice Guy.' I became a hard-changing perfectionist; there, in my perfection, I found safety and recognition. 'When I was eight,' confesses Brennan Manning, 'the impostor, or false self , was born as a defense against pain. The impostor within whispered, 'Brennnan, don't ever be your real self anymore because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know.' Notice the key phrase: 'as a defense against pain,' as a way of saving himself. The impostor is our plan for salvation.
So God must take it all away. This often happens at the start of our initiation journey. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self. In the last chapter I told you of Brad's plan for self-redemption: he would belong to the 'inside group.' Even after it failed him time and again, breaking his heart over and over, he wouldn't give it up. He simply thought his aim was off; if he found the Right group, then his plan would work. Our plan for redemption is hard to let go of; it clings to our hearts like an octopus. So what did God do for Brad? He took it all away. God brought Brad to the point where he thought he had found The group, and then God prevented him from maneuvering his way in. Brad wrote me a letter to describe what he as going through:
God has taken all that away, stripped me of all the things I used to earn people's admiration. I knew what he was up to. He put me in a place where my heart's deepest wounds and arrows - and sin - came out. As I was weeping all these pictures of what I want to belong to came up - speaker, counselor in a group- and it was as if Jesus asked me to give them up. What came from my heart was surprising - incredible Fear. And then the image of never getting them. A sentence arose in my heart: ' You want me to die! If I give those up then I'll never belong and be somebody. You are asking me to die.' It has been my hope of salvation.
Why would God do something so cruel? Why would he do something so terrible as to wound us in the place of our deepest wound? Jesus warned us that 'whoever wants to save his life will lose it' (Luke 9:24). Christ is not using the word bios here; he's not talking about our physical life. The passage is not about trying to save your skin by ducking martyrdom or something like that. The word Christ uses for 'life' is the word psyche - the word for our soul, our inner self, our heart. He says that the things we do to save our psyche, our self, those plans to save and protect our inner life - those are the things that will actually destroy us. 'There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death' says Proverbs 16:25. The false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a life, the whole plan is built on pretense. It's a deadly trap. God loves us way too much to leave us there. So he thwarts us, in many, many different ways.
In order to take a man into his wound, so that he can heal it and begin the release of the true self, God will thwart the false self. He will take away all that you've leaned upon to bring you life. In the movie The Natural, Robert Redford is a baseball player named Roy Hobbs, perhaps the most gifted baseball player ever. He's a high school wonder boy, a natural who gets a shot at the big leagues. But his dreams of a professional career are cut short when Hobbs is wrongly sentenced to prison for murder. Years later, an aging Hobbs gets a second chance. He's signed by the New York Knights - the worst team in the league. But through his incredible gift, untarnished by the years, Hobbs leads the Knights from ignominy to the play-off game for the National League pennant. He rallies the team, becomes the center of their hopes and dreams.
The climax of the film is the game for the championship. It's the bottom of the ninth; the score is Pittsburgh 2, Knights 0. The Knights have 2 outs; there's a man on first and third when Hobbs steps up to the plate. He's their only chance; this is his moment. Now, there's something you must know, something absolutely crucial to the story. Ever since his high school days, Hobbs has played with a bat he made himself from the heart of a tree felled by lighting in his front yard. Burned into the bat is a lightning bolt and the words 'wonder boy.' That bat is the symbol of his greatness, his giftedness. He has never, ever played with another. Clutching 'wonder boy', Hobbs steps to the plate. His first swing is a miss; his second is a foul ball high and behind. His third is a solid hit along the first-base line; it looks like a home run, but it also lands foul. As Hobbs returns to the plate, he sees his bat lying there...in pieces. It shattered on that last swing.
This is the critical moment in a man's life, when all he has counted on comes crashing down, when his golden bat breaks into pieces. His investments fail; his company lets him go; the church fires him; he is leveled by an illness; his wife walks out; his daughter turns up pregnant. What is he to do? Will he stay in the game? Will he shrink back to the dugout? Will he scramble to try to put things back together, as so many men do? The true test of a man, the beginning of his redemption, actually starts when he can no longer rely on what he's used all his life. The real journey begins when the false self fails. A moment that seems like an eternity passes as Hobbs stands there, holding the broken pieces, surveying the damage. The bat is beyond repair. Then he says to the bat boy, 'God pick me out a winner, Bobby.' He stays in the game and hits a home run to win the series.
God will take away our 'bat' as well. He will do something to thwart the false self. Stuart 'saved' himself by becoming emotionless. Last year his wife walked out on him. She's had it with his two-dimensional existence; what woman wants to be married to Spock? Alex recently suffered a series of panic attacks that left him almost unable to leave his home. The whole macho construct fell to the ground. At first, nobody could believe it; Alex couldn't believe it. He was invincible, the strongest guy you ever met. But it was built as a defense against the wound. Our loss doesn't have to be something so dramatic. A man may simply awaken one day to find himself lost, lost as Dante described himself: 'In the middle of the road of my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the true way was wholly lost.' That was the turning point in my life.
I went to Washington D.C, as a young man to try to make something of myself, to prove something, establish credibility. The damnable thing about it was, I succeeded. My giftedness worked against me by coming through for me. I was recognized and rewarded. But the whole experience felt like an act of survival - not something flowing out of a deep center, but something I had to prove, overcome, grasp. As Manning said of his own impostor, 'I studied hard, scored excellent grades, won a scholarship in high school, and was stalked every waking moment by the terror of abandonment and the sense that nobody was there for me.' At the end of the two years I woke one morning and realized i hated my life.
How many helps thou giv'st to those who would learn!
To some sore pain, to others a sinking heart;
To some a weariness worse than any smart;
To some a haunting, fearing, blind concern;
Madness to some; to some the shaking dart
Of hideous death still following as they turn;
To some a hunger that will not depart
To some thou giv'st a deep unrest - a scorn
Of all they are or see upon the earth;
A gaze, at dusky night and clearning morn,
as on a land of emptiness and dearth;
To some a bitter sorrow; to some the sting
Of love misprized - of sick abandoning;
To some a frozen heart, oh, worse than anything!
The messengers of Satan think to mar,
But make - driving the soul from false to feal -
To thee, the reconciler, the one real,
In whom alone the would be and the is are met.
(George MacDonald, Diary of an Old Soul)
This is a very dangerous moment, when God seems set against everything that has meant life to us. Satan spies his opportunity, and leaps to accuse God in our hearts. You see, he says, God is angry with you. He's disappointed in you. If he loved you he would make things smoother. He's not out for your best, you know. The Enemy always tempts us back toward control, to recover and rebuild the false self. We must remember that is is out of love that God thwarts our impostor. As Hebrews reminds us, it is the son whom God disciplines, therefore do not lose heart. (12:5-6).
God thwarts us to save us. We think it will destroy us, but the opposite is true - we must be saved from what really will destroy us. If we would walk with him in our journey of masculine initiation, we must walk away from the false self - set it down, give it up willingly. It feels crazy; it feels immensely vulnerable. Brad has topped looking for the group. Stuart has begun to open his heart up to emotion, to relationship, to all that he buried so long ago. Alex stopped 'eating glass,' stopped the whole macho thing to face what he had never faced inside. I gave up perfectionism, left Washington, and went looking for my heart. We simply accept the invitation to leave all that we've relied on and venture of out with God. We can choose to do it ourselves, or we can wait for God to bring it all down.
If you have no clue as to what your false self may be, then a starting point would be to ask those you live with and work with, 'What is my effect on you? Wham am I like to live with (or work with)? What Don't you feel free to bring up with me?' If you never, ever say a word in a meeting because you fear you might say something stupid, well then, it's time to speak up. If all you ever do is dominate a meeting because your sense of self worth comes from being in charge, then you need to shut up for a while. If you've run to sports because you feel best about yourself there, then it's probably tome to give it a rest and stay home with your family. If you never play any game with other men, then it's time you go down to the gym with the guys and play some hoops. In other words, you face your fears head- on. Drop the fig leaf; come out from hiding. For how long? Longer than you want to; long enough to raise the deeper issues, let the wound surface from beneath it all.
Losing the false self is painful; though it's a mask, it's one we've worn for years and losing it can feel like losing a close friend. Underneath the mask is all the heart and fear we've been running from, hiding from. To let it come to the surface can shake us like an earthquake. Brad felt as if he was going to die, you may too. Or you may feel like Andy Gullahorn, who wrote the song 'Steel Bars' from Old Hat (© 1997 by Andy Gullahorn):
So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
But this is not the end of the road; it's the trailhead.
What you are journeying toward is freedom, healing, and authenticity.
Listen to the next part of Andy's song:
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break the chains that enslave my soul
WALKING AWAY FROM THE WOMAN
As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, those places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to the woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well. I do not mean you leave your wife. I mean to stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her. For some men, this may mean disappointing her. If you've been a passive man, tiptoeing around your wife for years, never doing anything to rock the boat, then it's time to rock it. Stand up to her; get her mad at you. For those of you violent men (including achievers), it means you stop abusing her. You release her as the object of your anger because you release her as the one who was supposed to be make you a man. Repentance for a driven man means you become kind. Both types are still going to the woman. Repentance depends on which way you've approached her.
But I have counseled many young men to break up with the woman they were dating because they had made her their life. She was the sun of his universe, around which he orbited. A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. Only then is he fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into. A friend tells me that in the Masai tribe in Africa, a young man cannot court a woman until he has killed a lion. That's their way of saying, until he has been initiated. I have seen far too many young men commit a kind of emotional promiscuity with a young woman. He will pursue her, not to offer his strength but to drink from her beauty, to be affirmed by her and feel like a man. They will share deep, intimate conversations. But he will not commit; he is Unable to commit. This is very unfair to the young lady. After a year of this sort of relationship a dear friend said, 'I never felt secure in what I meant to him.'
When we feel the pull toward the golden-haired woman, we must recognize that something deeper is at play. As Bly says,
What does it men when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone...he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some women a lot of trouble. (Iron John)
Again, this is not permission to divorce. A man who has married a woman has made her a solemn pledge; he can never heal his wound by delivering another to the one he promised to love. Sometimes she will leave him; that is another story. Too many men run after her, begging her not to go. If she has to go, it is probably because you have some soul work to do. What I am saying is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength; he goes to her to offer it. You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as a great man you do not need the woman. As Augustine said, 'Let my soul praise you for all these beauties, but let it not attach itself to them by the trap of love,' the trap of addiction because we've taken our soul to her for validation.
But there is an even deeper issue than our question. What else is it we are seeking from the Woman with the Golden Hair? What is that ache we are trying to assuage with her? Mercy, comfort, beauty, ecstasy - in a word, God. I'm serious. What we are looking for is God.
There was a time when Adam drank deeply from the source of all Love. He - our first father and archetype - lived in an unbroken communion with the most captivating, beautiful and intoxicating Source of life in the universe. Adam had God. True, it was not good for man to be alone, and God in his humility gave us Eve, allowed us to need her as well. But something happened at the Fall; something Shifted. Eve took the place of God in a man's life. Let me explain.
Adam was not deceived by the serpent. Did you know that? Paul makes it clear in 1 Timothy 2:14 - Adam did not fall because he was deceived. His sin was different; in some ways, it was more serious in that he did it with open eyes. We do not know how long it lasted, but there was a moment in Eden when Eve was fallen and Adam was not, she had eaten, but he yet had a choice. I believe something took place in his heart that went like this: I have lost my ezer kenegdo, my soul mate, the most vital companion I've known. I do not know what life will be like, but I know I cannot live without her.
Adam chose Eve over God.
If you think I exaggerate, simply look around. Look at all the art, poetry, music, drama devoted to the beautiful woman. Listen to the language men use to describe her. Watch the powerful obsession at work. What else can this be but Worship? Men come into the world without the God who was our deepest joy, our ecstasy. Aching for we know not what, we meet Eve's daughters and we are history. She is the closest thing we've ever encountered, the pinnacle of creation, the very embodiment of God's beauty and mystery and tenderness and allure. And what goes out to her is not just our longing for Eve, but our longing for God as well. A man without his true love, his life, his God, will find another. What better substitute than Eve's daughters? Nothing else in creation even comes close.
To a young man who had ever been without a girlfriend since the eighth grade, I have the advice that he should break up, call off the dating for one year. From the look on his face you'd have thought I told him to cut off his arm... or something worse. Do you see what is at work here? Notice that the struggle with pornography or masturbation is most difficult when you are lonely, or beat up, or longing for comfort in some way. This will become more intense as you get closer to your wound. The longing for the ache to go away, and pull toward other comforters can seem overwhelming. I've watched it in many men. I know it in myself. But if this is the water you are truly thirsty for, then why do you remain thirsty after you've had a drink? It's the wrong well.
We must reverse Adam's choice; we must choose God over Eve. We must take our ache to him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound.'
Wild at Heart
John Elderdge
(
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
6:18 PM )
the lights have been spoilt for two weeks alr, and I'm getting quite bored of it. I got quite a few cool new ideas but have yet to try it.
SPA is this tues and thurs. they account for 7.5% of my a level grade, so I guess I have to take it really seriously. I'm confident of my the actual experiment, but it's the questions and theory part that im not certain about. I cant quite get the chemistry behind potassium carbonate double titrations..
on the other hand, I NEED TO SLEEP!
ahhhh, fifteen august two o o nine, holland village bus stop. hahahaha
(
Sunday, August 16, 2009
5:41 AM )
Stand Still by Leeland
Broken hands and tattered clothes
Off the sides of busy roads
These are people, these are souls and
Their help's in our control
But "busy roads" is where we stay
Busy lives is just the way
How we live life today
Am I the only one afraid?
Chorus:
We're moving too fast and it's blinding us
The speed that we're in is just too quick for love
There's so many problems that we could fix
If stopping is all that we do in their midst
It's enough to feel
All the pain in the world that needs to be healed
If we just Stand Still
The love of God is in the streets
In the people that we meet
On the faces of the weak
We look and see God's strength
And are there any who will go
Forsaking lands and leaving homes
All so broken hearts may know that
God will mend their souls
We need to look around us
OKAY WAIT THIS IS EPIC.
jolena. says:
what's 1+1?
jim † says:
oh my gosh
TWO
(
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
9:45 PM )
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
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counter
With Everything
Open our eyes
To see the things that make Your heart cry
To be the church that You would desire
Your light to be seen
Break down our pride
And all the walls we’ve built up inside
Our earthly crowns and all our desires
We lay at Your feet
Let hope rise
And darkness tremble
In Your holy light
That every eye will see
Jesus our God
Great and mighty to be praised
God of all days
Glorious in all of Your ways
Oh the majesty the wonder and grace
In the light of Your Name
With everything
With everything
We will shout for Your glory
With everything
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
Our hearts they cry
Be glorified
Be lifted high above all names
For You our King
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise
i realise this song has been an inspiration to many parts of my life. literally. the song is and always will be one of my favourites. and of course. the bible verse after the song ends as well.
(
Thursday, September 10, 2009
11:06 PM )
5-1 against VS.
my first goal ever in ACJC. wooooohoooo. it was a weak but placement shot into the bottom corner. assisted by felix's good through ball.
soccer makes me happy. but scoring gives an out-of-this-world-impossible-to-describe feeling.
(
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
10:50 PM )
jim is looking forward to friday. =D
(
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
8:59 PM )
wendy has flown off. finally.
I have been dreading this day for the past year, and I guess the reality hasnt hit me yet. im gonna be optimistic; its not like she died or anything, but it's gonna be so different without a best friend and confidant. I know it will finally hit me, but I just dunno when and how.
i don't want to go on blogging in self-pity. so I guess thats it for now.
(
Saturday, August 29, 2009
12:51 AM )
yesterday was one of the most fun and craziest times of my life. what a wonderful day. it was kinda funny hanging out w people whom you hardly hang out with, like for example yifeng, trevor and matt. jumana has her rather irritating new english accent without singlish. siti's been long time no see, and it was kinda weird cos I was the only person from ac. just something I'm not used to.l
it was such an anticlimax coming back to school routine today. facing tutorial after lecture after tutorial after lecture, life seemed so surreal to just sit down and have some fun with the best people in the world. hahahahahahahahahahaha
life has been such a rollercoaster. exciting but highly unpredictable.
(
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
11:17 PM )
how many times, is it when you feel that God is silent, the circumstances are routine and monotonous, do you feel that God is actually doing a work in you? it has been very long, God. sometimes, it really takes a conscious and dying effort not to give up and to continue believing. i dont feel you near at all and i really want to give up, tempted to give up this faith, to give up trying again and again. my heart's pained by your silence. this was supposed to be the moment where you were supposed to be my source and my strength. yet where have you been? i have been trying; i really have been searching. but all this seeking has just left me empty.
(i have a knack of taking things of caleb's blog. this is rather lengthy and all, but if you do have time, esp guys, go ahead and read. its good food for the soul.)
THWARTING THE FALSE SELF
From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them. Stuart found he was good at math and science. He shut down his heart and spent all his energies perfecting his 'Spock' persona. There, in the academy, he was safe; he was also recognized and rewarded. Alex was good at sports and the whole macho image; he became a glass-eating animal. Stan became the nicest guy you could ever meet. 'In the story of my life,' he admitted, 'I want to be seen as the Nice Guy.' I became a hard-changing perfectionist; there, in my perfection, I found safety and recognition. 'When I was eight,' confesses Brennan Manning, 'the impostor, or false self , was born as a defense against pain. The impostor within whispered, 'Brennnan, don't ever be your real self anymore because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know.' Notice the key phrase: 'as a defense against pain,' as a way of saving himself. The impostor is our plan for salvation.
So God must take it all away. This often happens at the start of our initiation journey. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self. In the last chapter I told you of Brad's plan for self-redemption: he would belong to the 'inside group.' Even after it failed him time and again, breaking his heart over and over, he wouldn't give it up. He simply thought his aim was off; if he found the Right group, then his plan would work. Our plan for redemption is hard to let go of; it clings to our hearts like an octopus. So what did God do for Brad? He took it all away. God brought Brad to the point where he thought he had found The group, and then God prevented him from maneuvering his way in. Brad wrote me a letter to describe what he as going through:
God has taken all that away, stripped me of all the things I used to earn people's admiration. I knew what he was up to. He put me in a place where my heart's deepest wounds and arrows - and sin - came out. As I was weeping all these pictures of what I want to belong to came up - speaker, counselor in a group- and it was as if Jesus asked me to give them up. What came from my heart was surprising - incredible Fear. And then the image of never getting them. A sentence arose in my heart: ' You want me to die! If I give those up then I'll never belong and be somebody. You are asking me to die.' It has been my hope of salvation.
Why would God do something so cruel? Why would he do something so terrible as to wound us in the place of our deepest wound? Jesus warned us that 'whoever wants to save his life will lose it' (Luke 9:24). Christ is not using the word bios here; he's not talking about our physical life. The passage is not about trying to save your skin by ducking martyrdom or something like that. The word Christ uses for 'life' is the word psyche - the word for our soul, our inner self, our heart. He says that the things we do to save our psyche, our self, those plans to save and protect our inner life - those are the things that will actually destroy us. 'There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death' says Proverbs 16:25. The false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a life, the whole plan is built on pretense. It's a deadly trap. God loves us way too much to leave us there. So he thwarts us, in many, many different ways.
In order to take a man into his wound, so that he can heal it and begin the release of the true self, God will thwart the false self. He will take away all that you've leaned upon to bring you life. In the movie The Natural, Robert Redford is a baseball player named Roy Hobbs, perhaps the most gifted baseball player ever. He's a high school wonder boy, a natural who gets a shot at the big leagues. But his dreams of a professional career are cut short when Hobbs is wrongly sentenced to prison for murder. Years later, an aging Hobbs gets a second chance. He's signed by the New York Knights - the worst team in the league. But through his incredible gift, untarnished by the years, Hobbs leads the Knights from ignominy to the play-off game for the National League pennant. He rallies the team, becomes the center of their hopes and dreams.
The climax of the film is the game for the championship. It's the bottom of the ninth; the score is Pittsburgh 2, Knights 0. The Knights have 2 outs; there's a man on first and third when Hobbs steps up to the plate. He's their only chance; this is his moment. Now, there's something you must know, something absolutely crucial to the story. Ever since his high school days, Hobbs has played with a bat he made himself from the heart of a tree felled by lighting in his front yard. Burned into the bat is a lightning bolt and the words 'wonder boy.' That bat is the symbol of his greatness, his giftedness. He has never, ever played with another. Clutching 'wonder boy', Hobbs steps to the plate. His first swing is a miss; his second is a foul ball high and behind. His third is a solid hit along the first-base line; it looks like a home run, but it also lands foul. As Hobbs returns to the plate, he sees his bat lying there...in pieces. It shattered on that last swing.
This is the critical moment in a man's life, when all he has counted on comes crashing down, when his golden bat breaks into pieces. His investments fail; his company lets him go; the church fires him; he is leveled by an illness; his wife walks out; his daughter turns up pregnant. What is he to do? Will he stay in the game? Will he shrink back to the dugout? Will he scramble to try to put things back together, as so many men do? The true test of a man, the beginning of his redemption, actually starts when he can no longer rely on what he's used all his life. The real journey begins when the false self fails. A moment that seems like an eternity passes as Hobbs stands there, holding the broken pieces, surveying the damage. The bat is beyond repair. Then he says to the bat boy, 'God pick me out a winner, Bobby.' He stays in the game and hits a home run to win the series.
God will take away our 'bat' as well. He will do something to thwart the false self. Stuart 'saved' himself by becoming emotionless. Last year his wife walked out on him. She's had it with his two-dimensional existence; what woman wants to be married to Spock? Alex recently suffered a series of panic attacks that left him almost unable to leave his home. The whole macho construct fell to the ground. At first, nobody could believe it; Alex couldn't believe it. He was invincible, the strongest guy you ever met. But it was built as a defense against the wound. Our loss doesn't have to be something so dramatic. A man may simply awaken one day to find himself lost, lost as Dante described himself: 'In the middle of the road of my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the true way was wholly lost.' That was the turning point in my life.
I went to Washington D.C, as a young man to try to make something of myself, to prove something, establish credibility. The damnable thing about it was, I succeeded. My giftedness worked against me by coming through for me. I was recognized and rewarded. But the whole experience felt like an act of survival - not something flowing out of a deep center, but something I had to prove, overcome, grasp. As Manning said of his own impostor, 'I studied hard, scored excellent grades, won a scholarship in high school, and was stalked every waking moment by the terror of abandonment and the sense that nobody was there for me.' At the end of the two years I woke one morning and realized i hated my life.
How many helps thou giv'st to those who would learn!
To some sore pain, to others a sinking heart;
To some a weariness worse than any smart;
To some a haunting, fearing, blind concern;
Madness to some; to some the shaking dart
Of hideous death still following as they turn;
To some a hunger that will not depart
To some thou giv'st a deep unrest - a scorn
Of all they are or see upon the earth;
A gaze, at dusky night and clearning morn,
as on a land of emptiness and dearth;
To some a bitter sorrow; to some the sting
Of love misprized - of sick abandoning;
To some a frozen heart, oh, worse than anything!
The messengers of Satan think to mar,
But make - driving the soul from false to feal -
To thee, the reconciler, the one real,
In whom alone the would be and the is are met.
(George MacDonald, Diary of an Old Soul)
This is a very dangerous moment, when God seems set against everything that has meant life to us. Satan spies his opportunity, and leaps to accuse God in our hearts. You see, he says, God is angry with you. He's disappointed in you. If he loved you he would make things smoother. He's not out for your best, you know. The Enemy always tempts us back toward control, to recover and rebuild the false self. We must remember that is is out of love that God thwarts our impostor. As Hebrews reminds us, it is the son whom God disciplines, therefore do not lose heart. (12:5-6).
God thwarts us to save us. We think it will destroy us, but the opposite is true - we must be saved from what really will destroy us. If we would walk with him in our journey of masculine initiation, we must walk away from the false self - set it down, give it up willingly. It feels crazy; it feels immensely vulnerable. Brad has topped looking for the group. Stuart has begun to open his heart up to emotion, to relationship, to all that he buried so long ago. Alex stopped 'eating glass,' stopped the whole macho thing to face what he had never faced inside. I gave up perfectionism, left Washington, and went looking for my heart. We simply accept the invitation to leave all that we've relied on and venture of out with God. We can choose to do it ourselves, or we can wait for God to bring it all down.
If you have no clue as to what your false self may be, then a starting point would be to ask those you live with and work with, 'What is my effect on you? Wham am I like to live with (or work with)? What Don't you feel free to bring up with me?' If you never, ever say a word in a meeting because you fear you might say something stupid, well then, it's time to speak up. If all you ever do is dominate a meeting because your sense of self worth comes from being in charge, then you need to shut up for a while. If you've run to sports because you feel best about yourself there, then it's probably tome to give it a rest and stay home with your family. If you never play any game with other men, then it's time you go down to the gym with the guys and play some hoops. In other words, you face your fears head- on. Drop the fig leaf; come out from hiding. For how long? Longer than you want to; long enough to raise the deeper issues, let the wound surface from beneath it all.
Losing the false self is painful; though it's a mask, it's one we've worn for years and losing it can feel like losing a close friend. Underneath the mask is all the heart and fear we've been running from, hiding from. To let it come to the surface can shake us like an earthquake. Brad felt as if he was going to die, you may too. Or you may feel like Andy Gullahorn, who wrote the song 'Steel Bars' from Old Hat (© 1997 by Andy Gullahorn):
So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
But this is not the end of the road; it's the trailhead.
What you are journeying toward is freedom, healing, and authenticity.
Listen to the next part of Andy's song:
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break the chains that enslave my soul
WALKING AWAY FROM THE WOMAN
As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, those places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to the woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well. I do not mean you leave your wife. I mean to stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her. For some men, this may mean disappointing her. If you've been a passive man, tiptoeing around your wife for years, never doing anything to rock the boat, then it's time to rock it. Stand up to her; get her mad at you. For those of you violent men (including achievers), it means you stop abusing her. You release her as the object of your anger because you release her as the one who was supposed to be make you a man. Repentance for a driven man means you become kind. Both types are still going to the woman. Repentance depends on which way you've approached her.
But I have counseled many young men to break up with the woman they were dating because they had made her their life. She was the sun of his universe, around which he orbited. A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. Only then is he fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into. A friend tells me that in the Masai tribe in Africa, a young man cannot court a woman until he has killed a lion. That's their way of saying, until he has been initiated. I have seen far too many young men commit a kind of emotional promiscuity with a young woman. He will pursue her, not to offer his strength but to drink from her beauty, to be affirmed by her and feel like a man. They will share deep, intimate conversations. But he will not commit; he is Unable to commit. This is very unfair to the young lady. After a year of this sort of relationship a dear friend said, 'I never felt secure in what I meant to him.'
When we feel the pull toward the golden-haired woman, we must recognize that something deeper is at play. As Bly says,
What does it men when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone...he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some women a lot of trouble. (Iron John)
Again, this is not permission to divorce. A man who has married a woman has made her a solemn pledge; he can never heal his wound by delivering another to the one he promised to love. Sometimes she will leave him; that is another story. Too many men run after her, begging her not to go. If she has to go, it is probably because you have some soul work to do. What I am saying is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength; he goes to her to offer it. You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as a great man you do not need the woman. As Augustine said, 'Let my soul praise you for all these beauties, but let it not attach itself to them by the trap of love,' the trap of addiction because we've taken our soul to her for validation.
But there is an even deeper issue than our question. What else is it we are seeking from the Woman with the Golden Hair? What is that ache we are trying to assuage with her? Mercy, comfort, beauty, ecstasy - in a word, God. I'm serious. What we are looking for is God.
There was a time when Adam drank deeply from the source of all Love. He - our first father and archetype - lived in an unbroken communion with the most captivating, beautiful and intoxicating Source of life in the universe. Adam had God. True, it was not good for man to be alone, and God in his humility gave us Eve, allowed us to need her as well. But something happened at the Fall; something Shifted. Eve took the place of God in a man's life. Let me explain.
Adam was not deceived by the serpent. Did you know that? Paul makes it clear in 1 Timothy 2:14 - Adam did not fall because he was deceived. His sin was different; in some ways, it was more serious in that he did it with open eyes. We do not know how long it lasted, but there was a moment in Eden when Eve was fallen and Adam was not, she had eaten, but he yet had a choice. I believe something took place in his heart that went like this: I have lost my ezer kenegdo, my soul mate, the most vital companion I've known. I do not know what life will be like, but I know I cannot live without her.
Adam chose Eve over God.
If you think I exaggerate, simply look around. Look at all the art, poetry, music, drama devoted to the beautiful woman. Listen to the language men use to describe her. Watch the powerful obsession at work. What else can this be but Worship? Men come into the world without the God who was our deepest joy, our ecstasy. Aching for we know not what, we meet Eve's daughters and we are history. She is the closest thing we've ever encountered, the pinnacle of creation, the very embodiment of God's beauty and mystery and tenderness and allure. And what goes out to her is not just our longing for Eve, but our longing for God as well. A man without his true love, his life, his God, will find another. What better substitute than Eve's daughters? Nothing else in creation even comes close.
To a young man who had ever been without a girlfriend since the eighth grade, I have the advice that he should break up, call off the dating for one year. From the look on his face you'd have thought I told him to cut off his arm... or something worse. Do you see what is at work here? Notice that the struggle with pornography or masturbation is most difficult when you are lonely, or beat up, or longing for comfort in some way. This will become more intense as you get closer to your wound. The longing for the ache to go away, and pull toward other comforters can seem overwhelming. I've watched it in many men. I know it in myself. But if this is the water you are truly thirsty for, then why do you remain thirsty after you've had a drink? It's the wrong well.
We must reverse Adam's choice; we must choose God over Eve. We must take our ache to him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound.'
Wild at Heart
John Elderdge
(
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
6:18 PM )
the lights have been spoilt for two weeks alr, and I'm getting quite bored of it. I got quite a few cool new ideas but have yet to try it.
SPA is this tues and thurs. they account for 7.5% of my a level grade, so I guess I have to take it really seriously. I'm confident of my the actual experiment, but it's the questions and theory part that im not certain about. I cant quite get the chemistry behind potassium carbonate double titrations..
on the other hand, I NEED TO SLEEP!
ahhhh, fifteen august two o o nine, holland village bus stop. hahahaha
(
Sunday, August 16, 2009
5:41 AM )
Stand Still by Leeland
Broken hands and tattered clothes
Off the sides of busy roads
These are people, these are souls and
Their help's in our control
But "busy roads" is where we stay
Busy lives is just the way
How we live life today
Am I the only one afraid?
Chorus:
We're moving too fast and it's blinding us
The speed that we're in is just too quick for love
There's so many problems that we could fix
If stopping is all that we do in their midst
It's enough to feel
All the pain in the world that needs to be healed
If we just Stand Still
The love of God is in the streets
In the people that we meet
On the faces of the weak
We look and see God's strength
And are there any who will go
Forsaking lands and leaving homes
All so broken hearts may know that
God will mend their souls
We need to look around us
OKAY WAIT THIS IS EPIC.
jolena. says:
what's 1+1?
jim † says:
oh my gosh
TWO
(
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
9:45 PM )
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
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counter
5-1 against VS.
my first goal ever in ACJC. wooooohoooo. it was a weak but placement shot into the bottom corner. assisted by felix's good through ball.
soccer makes me happy. but scoring gives an out-of-this-world-impossible-to-describe feeling.
(
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
10:50 PM )
jim is looking forward to friday. =D
(
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
8:59 PM )
wendy has flown off. finally.
I have been dreading this day for the past year, and I guess the reality hasnt hit me yet. im gonna be optimistic; its not like she died or anything, but it's gonna be so different without a best friend and confidant. I know it will finally hit me, but I just dunno when and how.
i don't want to go on blogging in self-pity. so I guess thats it for now.
(
Saturday, August 29, 2009
12:51 AM )
yesterday was one of the most fun and craziest times of my life. what a wonderful day. it was kinda funny hanging out w people whom you hardly hang out with, like for example yifeng, trevor and matt. jumana has her rather irritating new english accent without singlish. siti's been long time no see, and it was kinda weird cos I was the only person from ac. just something I'm not used to.l
it was such an anticlimax coming back to school routine today. facing tutorial after lecture after tutorial after lecture, life seemed so surreal to just sit down and have some fun with the best people in the world. hahahahahahahahahahaha
life has been such a rollercoaster. exciting but highly unpredictable.
(
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
11:17 PM )
how many times, is it when you feel that God is silent, the circumstances are routine and monotonous, do you feel that God is actually doing a work in you? it has been very long, God. sometimes, it really takes a conscious and dying effort not to give up and to continue believing. i dont feel you near at all and i really want to give up, tempted to give up this faith, to give up trying again and again. my heart's pained by your silence. this was supposed to be the moment where you were supposed to be my source and my strength. yet where have you been? i have been trying; i really have been searching. but all this seeking has just left me empty.
(i have a knack of taking things of caleb's blog. this is rather lengthy and all, but if you do have time, esp guys, go ahead and read. its good food for the soul.)
THWARTING THE FALSE SELF
From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them. Stuart found he was good at math and science. He shut down his heart and spent all his energies perfecting his 'Spock' persona. There, in the academy, he was safe; he was also recognized and rewarded. Alex was good at sports and the whole macho image; he became a glass-eating animal. Stan became the nicest guy you could ever meet. 'In the story of my life,' he admitted, 'I want to be seen as the Nice Guy.' I became a hard-changing perfectionist; there, in my perfection, I found safety and recognition. 'When I was eight,' confesses Brennan Manning, 'the impostor, or false self , was born as a defense against pain. The impostor within whispered, 'Brennnan, don't ever be your real self anymore because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know.' Notice the key phrase: 'as a defense against pain,' as a way of saving himself. The impostor is our plan for salvation.
So God must take it all away. This often happens at the start of our initiation journey. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self. In the last chapter I told you of Brad's plan for self-redemption: he would belong to the 'inside group.' Even after it failed him time and again, breaking his heart over and over, he wouldn't give it up. He simply thought his aim was off; if he found the Right group, then his plan would work. Our plan for redemption is hard to let go of; it clings to our hearts like an octopus. So what did God do for Brad? He took it all away. God brought Brad to the point where he thought he had found The group, and then God prevented him from maneuvering his way in. Brad wrote me a letter to describe what he as going through:
God has taken all that away, stripped me of all the things I used to earn people's admiration. I knew what he was up to. He put me in a place where my heart's deepest wounds and arrows - and sin - came out. As I was weeping all these pictures of what I want to belong to came up - speaker, counselor in a group- and it was as if Jesus asked me to give them up. What came from my heart was surprising - incredible Fear. And then the image of never getting them. A sentence arose in my heart: ' You want me to die! If I give those up then I'll never belong and be somebody. You are asking me to die.' It has been my hope of salvation.
Why would God do something so cruel? Why would he do something so terrible as to wound us in the place of our deepest wound? Jesus warned us that 'whoever wants to save his life will lose it' (Luke 9:24). Christ is not using the word bios here; he's not talking about our physical life. The passage is not about trying to save your skin by ducking martyrdom or something like that. The word Christ uses for 'life' is the word psyche - the word for our soul, our inner self, our heart. He says that the things we do to save our psyche, our self, those plans to save and protect our inner life - those are the things that will actually destroy us. 'There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death' says Proverbs 16:25. The false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a life, the whole plan is built on pretense. It's a deadly trap. God loves us way too much to leave us there. So he thwarts us, in many, many different ways.
In order to take a man into his wound, so that he can heal it and begin the release of the true self, God will thwart the false self. He will take away all that you've leaned upon to bring you life. In the movie The Natural, Robert Redford is a baseball player named Roy Hobbs, perhaps the most gifted baseball player ever. He's a high school wonder boy, a natural who gets a shot at the big leagues. But his dreams of a professional career are cut short when Hobbs is wrongly sentenced to prison for murder. Years later, an aging Hobbs gets a second chance. He's signed by the New York Knights - the worst team in the league. But through his incredible gift, untarnished by the years, Hobbs leads the Knights from ignominy to the play-off game for the National League pennant. He rallies the team, becomes the center of their hopes and dreams.
The climax of the film is the game for the championship. It's the bottom of the ninth; the score is Pittsburgh 2, Knights 0. The Knights have 2 outs; there's a man on first and third when Hobbs steps up to the plate. He's their only chance; this is his moment. Now, there's something you must know, something absolutely crucial to the story. Ever since his high school days, Hobbs has played with a bat he made himself from the heart of a tree felled by lighting in his front yard. Burned into the bat is a lightning bolt and the words 'wonder boy.' That bat is the symbol of his greatness, his giftedness. He has never, ever played with another. Clutching 'wonder boy', Hobbs steps to the plate. His first swing is a miss; his second is a foul ball high and behind. His third is a solid hit along the first-base line; it looks like a home run, but it also lands foul. As Hobbs returns to the plate, he sees his bat lying there...in pieces. It shattered on that last swing.
This is the critical moment in a man's life, when all he has counted on comes crashing down, when his golden bat breaks into pieces. His investments fail; his company lets him go; the church fires him; he is leveled by an illness; his wife walks out; his daughter turns up pregnant. What is he to do? Will he stay in the game? Will he shrink back to the dugout? Will he scramble to try to put things back together, as so many men do? The true test of a man, the beginning of his redemption, actually starts when he can no longer rely on what he's used all his life. The real journey begins when the false self fails. A moment that seems like an eternity passes as Hobbs stands there, holding the broken pieces, surveying the damage. The bat is beyond repair. Then he says to the bat boy, 'God pick me out a winner, Bobby.' He stays in the game and hits a home run to win the series.
God will take away our 'bat' as well. He will do something to thwart the false self. Stuart 'saved' himself by becoming emotionless. Last year his wife walked out on him. She's had it with his two-dimensional existence; what woman wants to be married to Spock? Alex recently suffered a series of panic attacks that left him almost unable to leave his home. The whole macho construct fell to the ground. At first, nobody could believe it; Alex couldn't believe it. He was invincible, the strongest guy you ever met. But it was built as a defense against the wound. Our loss doesn't have to be something so dramatic. A man may simply awaken one day to find himself lost, lost as Dante described himself: 'In the middle of the road of my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the true way was wholly lost.' That was the turning point in my life.
I went to Washington D.C, as a young man to try to make something of myself, to prove something, establish credibility. The damnable thing about it was, I succeeded. My giftedness worked against me by coming through for me. I was recognized and rewarded. But the whole experience felt like an act of survival - not something flowing out of a deep center, but something I had to prove, overcome, grasp. As Manning said of his own impostor, 'I studied hard, scored excellent grades, won a scholarship in high school, and was stalked every waking moment by the terror of abandonment and the sense that nobody was there for me.' At the end of the two years I woke one morning and realized i hated my life.
How many helps thou giv'st to those who would learn!
To some sore pain, to others a sinking heart;
To some a weariness worse than any smart;
To some a haunting, fearing, blind concern;
Madness to some; to some the shaking dart
Of hideous death still following as they turn;
To some a hunger that will not depart
To some thou giv'st a deep unrest - a scorn
Of all they are or see upon the earth;
A gaze, at dusky night and clearning morn,
as on a land of emptiness and dearth;
To some a bitter sorrow; to some the sting
Of love misprized - of sick abandoning;
To some a frozen heart, oh, worse than anything!
The messengers of Satan think to mar,
But make - driving the soul from false to feal -
To thee, the reconciler, the one real,
In whom alone the would be and the is are met.
(George MacDonald, Diary of an Old Soul)
This is a very dangerous moment, when God seems set against everything that has meant life to us. Satan spies his opportunity, and leaps to accuse God in our hearts. You see, he says, God is angry with you. He's disappointed in you. If he loved you he would make things smoother. He's not out for your best, you know. The Enemy always tempts us back toward control, to recover and rebuild the false self. We must remember that is is out of love that God thwarts our impostor. As Hebrews reminds us, it is the son whom God disciplines, therefore do not lose heart. (12:5-6).
God thwarts us to save us. We think it will destroy us, but the opposite is true - we must be saved from what really will destroy us. If we would walk with him in our journey of masculine initiation, we must walk away from the false self - set it down, give it up willingly. It feels crazy; it feels immensely vulnerable. Brad has topped looking for the group. Stuart has begun to open his heart up to emotion, to relationship, to all that he buried so long ago. Alex stopped 'eating glass,' stopped the whole macho thing to face what he had never faced inside. I gave up perfectionism, left Washington, and went looking for my heart. We simply accept the invitation to leave all that we've relied on and venture of out with God. We can choose to do it ourselves, or we can wait for God to bring it all down.
If you have no clue as to what your false self may be, then a starting point would be to ask those you live with and work with, 'What is my effect on you? Wham am I like to live with (or work with)? What Don't you feel free to bring up with me?' If you never, ever say a word in a meeting because you fear you might say something stupid, well then, it's time to speak up. If all you ever do is dominate a meeting because your sense of self worth comes from being in charge, then you need to shut up for a while. If you've run to sports because you feel best about yourself there, then it's probably tome to give it a rest and stay home with your family. If you never play any game with other men, then it's time you go down to the gym with the guys and play some hoops. In other words, you face your fears head- on. Drop the fig leaf; come out from hiding. For how long? Longer than you want to; long enough to raise the deeper issues, let the wound surface from beneath it all.
Losing the false self is painful; though it's a mask, it's one we've worn for years and losing it can feel like losing a close friend. Underneath the mask is all the heart and fear we've been running from, hiding from. To let it come to the surface can shake us like an earthquake. Brad felt as if he was going to die, you may too. Or you may feel like Andy Gullahorn, who wrote the song 'Steel Bars' from Old Hat (© 1997 by Andy Gullahorn):
So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
But this is not the end of the road; it's the trailhead.
What you are journeying toward is freedom, healing, and authenticity.
Listen to the next part of Andy's song:
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break the chains that enslave my soul
WALKING AWAY FROM THE WOMAN
As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, those places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to the woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well. I do not mean you leave your wife. I mean to stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her. For some men, this may mean disappointing her. If you've been a passive man, tiptoeing around your wife for years, never doing anything to rock the boat, then it's time to rock it. Stand up to her; get her mad at you. For those of you violent men (including achievers), it means you stop abusing her. You release her as the object of your anger because you release her as the one who was supposed to be make you a man. Repentance for a driven man means you become kind. Both types are still going to the woman. Repentance depends on which way you've approached her.
But I have counseled many young men to break up with the woman they were dating because they had made her their life. She was the sun of his universe, around which he orbited. A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. Only then is he fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into. A friend tells me that in the Masai tribe in Africa, a young man cannot court a woman until he has killed a lion. That's their way of saying, until he has been initiated. I have seen far too many young men commit a kind of emotional promiscuity with a young woman. He will pursue her, not to offer his strength but to drink from her beauty, to be affirmed by her and feel like a man. They will share deep, intimate conversations. But he will not commit; he is Unable to commit. This is very unfair to the young lady. After a year of this sort of relationship a dear friend said, 'I never felt secure in what I meant to him.'
When we feel the pull toward the golden-haired woman, we must recognize that something deeper is at play. As Bly says,
What does it men when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone...he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some women a lot of trouble. (Iron John)
Again, this is not permission to divorce. A man who has married a woman has made her a solemn pledge; he can never heal his wound by delivering another to the one he promised to love. Sometimes she will leave him; that is another story. Too many men run after her, begging her not to go. If she has to go, it is probably because you have some soul work to do. What I am saying is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength; he goes to her to offer it. You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as a great man you do not need the woman. As Augustine said, 'Let my soul praise you for all these beauties, but let it not attach itself to them by the trap of love,' the trap of addiction because we've taken our soul to her for validation.
But there is an even deeper issue than our question. What else is it we are seeking from the Woman with the Golden Hair? What is that ache we are trying to assuage with her? Mercy, comfort, beauty, ecstasy - in a word, God. I'm serious. What we are looking for is God.
There was a time when Adam drank deeply from the source of all Love. He - our first father and archetype - lived in an unbroken communion with the most captivating, beautiful and intoxicating Source of life in the universe. Adam had God. True, it was not good for man to be alone, and God in his humility gave us Eve, allowed us to need her as well. But something happened at the Fall; something Shifted. Eve took the place of God in a man's life. Let me explain.
Adam was not deceived by the serpent. Did you know that? Paul makes it clear in 1 Timothy 2:14 - Adam did not fall because he was deceived. His sin was different; in some ways, it was more serious in that he did it with open eyes. We do not know how long it lasted, but there was a moment in Eden when Eve was fallen and Adam was not, she had eaten, but he yet had a choice. I believe something took place in his heart that went like this: I have lost my ezer kenegdo, my soul mate, the most vital companion I've known. I do not know what life will be like, but I know I cannot live without her.
Adam chose Eve over God.
If you think I exaggerate, simply look around. Look at all the art, poetry, music, drama devoted to the beautiful woman. Listen to the language men use to describe her. Watch the powerful obsession at work. What else can this be but Worship? Men come into the world without the God who was our deepest joy, our ecstasy. Aching for we know not what, we meet Eve's daughters and we are history. She is the closest thing we've ever encountered, the pinnacle of creation, the very embodiment of God's beauty and mystery and tenderness and allure. And what goes out to her is not just our longing for Eve, but our longing for God as well. A man without his true love, his life, his God, will find another. What better substitute than Eve's daughters? Nothing else in creation even comes close.
To a young man who had ever been without a girlfriend since the eighth grade, I have the advice that he should break up, call off the dating for one year. From the look on his face you'd have thought I told him to cut off his arm... or something worse. Do you see what is at work here? Notice that the struggle with pornography or masturbation is most difficult when you are lonely, or beat up, or longing for comfort in some way. This will become more intense as you get closer to your wound. The longing for the ache to go away, and pull toward other comforters can seem overwhelming. I've watched it in many men. I know it in myself. But if this is the water you are truly thirsty for, then why do you remain thirsty after you've had a drink? It's the wrong well.
We must reverse Adam's choice; we must choose God over Eve. We must take our ache to him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound.'
Wild at Heart
John Elderdge
(
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
6:18 PM )
the lights have been spoilt for two weeks alr, and I'm getting quite bored of it. I got quite a few cool new ideas but have yet to try it.
SPA is this tues and thurs. they account for 7.5% of my a level grade, so I guess I have to take it really seriously. I'm confident of my the actual experiment, but it's the questions and theory part that im not certain about. I cant quite get the chemistry behind potassium carbonate double titrations..
on the other hand, I NEED TO SLEEP!
ahhhh, fifteen august two o o nine, holland village bus stop. hahahaha
(
Sunday, August 16, 2009
5:41 AM )
Stand Still by Leeland
Broken hands and tattered clothes
Off the sides of busy roads
These are people, these are souls and
Their help's in our control
But "busy roads" is where we stay
Busy lives is just the way
How we live life today
Am I the only one afraid?
Chorus:
We're moving too fast and it's blinding us
The speed that we're in is just too quick for love
There's so many problems that we could fix
If stopping is all that we do in their midst
It's enough to feel
All the pain in the world that needs to be healed
If we just Stand Still
The love of God is in the streets
In the people that we meet
On the faces of the weak
We look and see God's strength
And are there any who will go
Forsaking lands and leaving homes
All so broken hearts may know that
God will mend their souls
We need to look around us
OKAY WAIT THIS IS EPIC.
jolena. says:
what's 1+1?
jim † says:
oh my gosh
TWO
(
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
9:45 PM )
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
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jim
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jim is looking forward to friday. =D
(
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
8:59 PM )
wendy has flown off. finally.
I have been dreading this day for the past year, and I guess the reality hasnt hit me yet. im gonna be optimistic; its not like she died or anything, but it's gonna be so different without a best friend and confidant. I know it will finally hit me, but I just dunno when and how.
i don't want to go on blogging in self-pity. so I guess thats it for now.
(
Saturday, August 29, 2009
12:51 AM )
yesterday was one of the most fun and craziest times of my life. what a wonderful day. it was kinda funny hanging out w people whom you hardly hang out with, like for example yifeng, trevor and matt. jumana has her rather irritating new english accent without singlish. siti's been long time no see, and it was kinda weird cos I was the only person from ac. just something I'm not used to.l
it was such an anticlimax coming back to school routine today. facing tutorial after lecture after tutorial after lecture, life seemed so surreal to just sit down and have some fun with the best people in the world. hahahahahahahahahahaha
life has been such a rollercoaster. exciting but highly unpredictable.
(
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
11:17 PM )
how many times, is it when you feel that God is silent, the circumstances are routine and monotonous, do you feel that God is actually doing a work in you? it has been very long, God. sometimes, it really takes a conscious and dying effort not to give up and to continue believing. i dont feel you near at all and i really want to give up, tempted to give up this faith, to give up trying again and again. my heart's pained by your silence. this was supposed to be the moment where you were supposed to be my source and my strength. yet where have you been? i have been trying; i really have been searching. but all this seeking has just left me empty.
(i have a knack of taking things of caleb's blog. this is rather lengthy and all, but if you do have time, esp guys, go ahead and read. its good food for the soul.)
THWARTING THE FALSE SELF
From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them. Stuart found he was good at math and science. He shut down his heart and spent all his energies perfecting his 'Spock' persona. There, in the academy, he was safe; he was also recognized and rewarded. Alex was good at sports and the whole macho image; he became a glass-eating animal. Stan became the nicest guy you could ever meet. 'In the story of my life,' he admitted, 'I want to be seen as the Nice Guy.' I became a hard-changing perfectionist; there, in my perfection, I found safety and recognition. 'When I was eight,' confesses Brennan Manning, 'the impostor, or false self , was born as a defense against pain. The impostor within whispered, 'Brennnan, don't ever be your real self anymore because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know.' Notice the key phrase: 'as a defense against pain,' as a way of saving himself. The impostor is our plan for salvation.
So God must take it all away. This often happens at the start of our initiation journey. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self. In the last chapter I told you of Brad's plan for self-redemption: he would belong to the 'inside group.' Even after it failed him time and again, breaking his heart over and over, he wouldn't give it up. He simply thought his aim was off; if he found the Right group, then his plan would work. Our plan for redemption is hard to let go of; it clings to our hearts like an octopus. So what did God do for Brad? He took it all away. God brought Brad to the point where he thought he had found The group, and then God prevented him from maneuvering his way in. Brad wrote me a letter to describe what he as going through:
God has taken all that away, stripped me of all the things I used to earn people's admiration. I knew what he was up to. He put me in a place where my heart's deepest wounds and arrows - and sin - came out. As I was weeping all these pictures of what I want to belong to came up - speaker, counselor in a group- and it was as if Jesus asked me to give them up. What came from my heart was surprising - incredible Fear. And then the image of never getting them. A sentence arose in my heart: ' You want me to die! If I give those up then I'll never belong and be somebody. You are asking me to die.' It has been my hope of salvation.
Why would God do something so cruel? Why would he do something so terrible as to wound us in the place of our deepest wound? Jesus warned us that 'whoever wants to save his life will lose it' (Luke 9:24). Christ is not using the word bios here; he's not talking about our physical life. The passage is not about trying to save your skin by ducking martyrdom or something like that. The word Christ uses for 'life' is the word psyche - the word for our soul, our inner self, our heart. He says that the things we do to save our psyche, our self, those plans to save and protect our inner life - those are the things that will actually destroy us. 'There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death' says Proverbs 16:25. The false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a life, the whole plan is built on pretense. It's a deadly trap. God loves us way too much to leave us there. So he thwarts us, in many, many different ways.
In order to take a man into his wound, so that he can heal it and begin the release of the true self, God will thwart the false self. He will take away all that you've leaned upon to bring you life. In the movie The Natural, Robert Redford is a baseball player named Roy Hobbs, perhaps the most gifted baseball player ever. He's a high school wonder boy, a natural who gets a shot at the big leagues. But his dreams of a professional career are cut short when Hobbs is wrongly sentenced to prison for murder. Years later, an aging Hobbs gets a second chance. He's signed by the New York Knights - the worst team in the league. But through his incredible gift, untarnished by the years, Hobbs leads the Knights from ignominy to the play-off game for the National League pennant. He rallies the team, becomes the center of their hopes and dreams.
The climax of the film is the game for the championship. It's the bottom of the ninth; the score is Pittsburgh 2, Knights 0. The Knights have 2 outs; there's a man on first and third when Hobbs steps up to the plate. He's their only chance; this is his moment. Now, there's something you must know, something absolutely crucial to the story. Ever since his high school days, Hobbs has played with a bat he made himself from the heart of a tree felled by lighting in his front yard. Burned into the bat is a lightning bolt and the words 'wonder boy.' That bat is the symbol of his greatness, his giftedness. He has never, ever played with another. Clutching 'wonder boy', Hobbs steps to the plate. His first swing is a miss; his second is a foul ball high and behind. His third is a solid hit along the first-base line; it looks like a home run, but it also lands foul. As Hobbs returns to the plate, he sees his bat lying there...in pieces. It shattered on that last swing.
This is the critical moment in a man's life, when all he has counted on comes crashing down, when his golden bat breaks into pieces. His investments fail; his company lets him go; the church fires him; he is leveled by an illness; his wife walks out; his daughter turns up pregnant. What is he to do? Will he stay in the game? Will he shrink back to the dugout? Will he scramble to try to put things back together, as so many men do? The true test of a man, the beginning of his redemption, actually starts when he can no longer rely on what he's used all his life. The real journey begins when the false self fails. A moment that seems like an eternity passes as Hobbs stands there, holding the broken pieces, surveying the damage. The bat is beyond repair. Then he says to the bat boy, 'God pick me out a winner, Bobby.' He stays in the game and hits a home run to win the series.
God will take away our 'bat' as well. He will do something to thwart the false self. Stuart 'saved' himself by becoming emotionless. Last year his wife walked out on him. She's had it with his two-dimensional existence; what woman wants to be married to Spock? Alex recently suffered a series of panic attacks that left him almost unable to leave his home. The whole macho construct fell to the ground. At first, nobody could believe it; Alex couldn't believe it. He was invincible, the strongest guy you ever met. But it was built as a defense against the wound. Our loss doesn't have to be something so dramatic. A man may simply awaken one day to find himself lost, lost as Dante described himself: 'In the middle of the road of my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the true way was wholly lost.' That was the turning point in my life.
I went to Washington D.C, as a young man to try to make something of myself, to prove something, establish credibility. The damnable thing about it was, I succeeded. My giftedness worked against me by coming through for me. I was recognized and rewarded. But the whole experience felt like an act of survival - not something flowing out of a deep center, but something I had to prove, overcome, grasp. As Manning said of his own impostor, 'I studied hard, scored excellent grades, won a scholarship in high school, and was stalked every waking moment by the terror of abandonment and the sense that nobody was there for me.' At the end of the two years I woke one morning and realized i hated my life.
How many helps thou giv'st to those who would learn!
To some sore pain, to others a sinking heart;
To some a weariness worse than any smart;
To some a haunting, fearing, blind concern;
Madness to some; to some the shaking dart
Of hideous death still following as they turn;
To some a hunger that will not depart
To some thou giv'st a deep unrest - a scorn
Of all they are or see upon the earth;
A gaze, at dusky night and clearning morn,
as on a land of emptiness and dearth;
To some a bitter sorrow; to some the sting
Of love misprized - of sick abandoning;
To some a frozen heart, oh, worse than anything!
The messengers of Satan think to mar,
But make - driving the soul from false to feal -
To thee, the reconciler, the one real,
In whom alone the would be and the is are met.
(George MacDonald, Diary of an Old Soul)
This is a very dangerous moment, when God seems set against everything that has meant life to us. Satan spies his opportunity, and leaps to accuse God in our hearts. You see, he says, God is angry with you. He's disappointed in you. If he loved you he would make things smoother. He's not out for your best, you know. The Enemy always tempts us back toward control, to recover and rebuild the false self. We must remember that is is out of love that God thwarts our impostor. As Hebrews reminds us, it is the son whom God disciplines, therefore do not lose heart. (12:5-6).
God thwarts us to save us. We think it will destroy us, but the opposite is true - we must be saved from what really will destroy us. If we would walk with him in our journey of masculine initiation, we must walk away from the false self - set it down, give it up willingly. It feels crazy; it feels immensely vulnerable. Brad has topped looking for the group. Stuart has begun to open his heart up to emotion, to relationship, to all that he buried so long ago. Alex stopped 'eating glass,' stopped the whole macho thing to face what he had never faced inside. I gave up perfectionism, left Washington, and went looking for my heart. We simply accept the invitation to leave all that we've relied on and venture of out with God. We can choose to do it ourselves, or we can wait for God to bring it all down.
If you have no clue as to what your false self may be, then a starting point would be to ask those you live with and work with, 'What is my effect on you? Wham am I like to live with (or work with)? What Don't you feel free to bring up with me?' If you never, ever say a word in a meeting because you fear you might say something stupid, well then, it's time to speak up. If all you ever do is dominate a meeting because your sense of self worth comes from being in charge, then you need to shut up for a while. If you've run to sports because you feel best about yourself there, then it's probably tome to give it a rest and stay home with your family. If you never play any game with other men, then it's time you go down to the gym with the guys and play some hoops. In other words, you face your fears head- on. Drop the fig leaf; come out from hiding. For how long? Longer than you want to; long enough to raise the deeper issues, let the wound surface from beneath it all.
Losing the false self is painful; though it's a mask, it's one we've worn for years and losing it can feel like losing a close friend. Underneath the mask is all the heart and fear we've been running from, hiding from. To let it come to the surface can shake us like an earthquake. Brad felt as if he was going to die, you may too. Or you may feel like Andy Gullahorn, who wrote the song 'Steel Bars' from Old Hat (© 1997 by Andy Gullahorn):
So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
But this is not the end of the road; it's the trailhead.
What you are journeying toward is freedom, healing, and authenticity.
Listen to the next part of Andy's song:
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break the chains that enslave my soul
WALKING AWAY FROM THE WOMAN
As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, those places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to the woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well. I do not mean you leave your wife. I mean to stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her. For some men, this may mean disappointing her. If you've been a passive man, tiptoeing around your wife for years, never doing anything to rock the boat, then it's time to rock it. Stand up to her; get her mad at you. For those of you violent men (including achievers), it means you stop abusing her. You release her as the object of your anger because you release her as the one who was supposed to be make you a man. Repentance for a driven man means you become kind. Both types are still going to the woman. Repentance depends on which way you've approached her.
But I have counseled many young men to break up with the woman they were dating because they had made her their life. She was the sun of his universe, around which he orbited. A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. Only then is he fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into. A friend tells me that in the Masai tribe in Africa, a young man cannot court a woman until he has killed a lion. That's their way of saying, until he has been initiated. I have seen far too many young men commit a kind of emotional promiscuity with a young woman. He will pursue her, not to offer his strength but to drink from her beauty, to be affirmed by her and feel like a man. They will share deep, intimate conversations. But he will not commit; he is Unable to commit. This is very unfair to the young lady. After a year of this sort of relationship a dear friend said, 'I never felt secure in what I meant to him.'
When we feel the pull toward the golden-haired woman, we must recognize that something deeper is at play. As Bly says,
What does it men when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone...he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some women a lot of trouble. (Iron John)
Again, this is not permission to divorce. A man who has married a woman has made her a solemn pledge; he can never heal his wound by delivering another to the one he promised to love. Sometimes she will leave him; that is another story. Too many men run after her, begging her not to go. If she has to go, it is probably because you have some soul work to do. What I am saying is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength; he goes to her to offer it. You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as a great man you do not need the woman. As Augustine said, 'Let my soul praise you for all these beauties, but let it not attach itself to them by the trap of love,' the trap of addiction because we've taken our soul to her for validation.
But there is an even deeper issue than our question. What else is it we are seeking from the Woman with the Golden Hair? What is that ache we are trying to assuage with her? Mercy, comfort, beauty, ecstasy - in a word, God. I'm serious. What we are looking for is God.
There was a time when Adam drank deeply from the source of all Love. He - our first father and archetype - lived in an unbroken communion with the most captivating, beautiful and intoxicating Source of life in the universe. Adam had God. True, it was not good for man to be alone, and God in his humility gave us Eve, allowed us to need her as well. But something happened at the Fall; something Shifted. Eve took the place of God in a man's life. Let me explain.
Adam was not deceived by the serpent. Did you know that? Paul makes it clear in 1 Timothy 2:14 - Adam did not fall because he was deceived. His sin was different; in some ways, it was more serious in that he did it with open eyes. We do not know how long it lasted, but there was a moment in Eden when Eve was fallen and Adam was not, she had eaten, but he yet had a choice. I believe something took place in his heart that went like this: I have lost my ezer kenegdo, my soul mate, the most vital companion I've known. I do not know what life will be like, but I know I cannot live without her.
Adam chose Eve over God.
If you think I exaggerate, simply look around. Look at all the art, poetry, music, drama devoted to the beautiful woman. Listen to the language men use to describe her. Watch the powerful obsession at work. What else can this be but Worship? Men come into the world without the God who was our deepest joy, our ecstasy. Aching for we know not what, we meet Eve's daughters and we are history. She is the closest thing we've ever encountered, the pinnacle of creation, the very embodiment of God's beauty and mystery and tenderness and allure. And what goes out to her is not just our longing for Eve, but our longing for God as well. A man without his true love, his life, his God, will find another. What better substitute than Eve's daughters? Nothing else in creation even comes close.
To a young man who had ever been without a girlfriend since the eighth grade, I have the advice that he should break up, call off the dating for one year. From the look on his face you'd have thought I told him to cut off his arm... or something worse. Do you see what is at work here? Notice that the struggle with pornography or masturbation is most difficult when you are lonely, or beat up, or longing for comfort in some way. This will become more intense as you get closer to your wound. The longing for the ache to go away, and pull toward other comforters can seem overwhelming. I've watched it in many men. I know it in myself. But if this is the water you are truly thirsty for, then why do you remain thirsty after you've had a drink? It's the wrong well.
We must reverse Adam's choice; we must choose God over Eve. We must take our ache to him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound.'
Wild at Heart
John Elderdge
(
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
6:18 PM )
the lights have been spoilt for two weeks alr, and I'm getting quite bored of it. I got quite a few cool new ideas but have yet to try it.
SPA is this tues and thurs. they account for 7.5% of my a level grade, so I guess I have to take it really seriously. I'm confident of my the actual experiment, but it's the questions and theory part that im not certain about. I cant quite get the chemistry behind potassium carbonate double titrations..
on the other hand, I NEED TO SLEEP!
ahhhh, fifteen august two o o nine, holland village bus stop. hahahaha
(
Sunday, August 16, 2009
5:41 AM )
Stand Still by Leeland
Broken hands and tattered clothes
Off the sides of busy roads
These are people, these are souls and
Their help's in our control
But "busy roads" is where we stay
Busy lives is just the way
How we live life today
Am I the only one afraid?
Chorus:
We're moving too fast and it's blinding us
The speed that we're in is just too quick for love
There's so many problems that we could fix
If stopping is all that we do in their midst
It's enough to feel
All the pain in the world that needs to be healed
If we just Stand Still
The love of God is in the streets
In the people that we meet
On the faces of the weak
We look and see God's strength
And are there any who will go
Forsaking lands and leaving homes
All so broken hearts may know that
God will mend their souls
We need to look around us
OKAY WAIT THIS IS EPIC.
jolena. says:
what's 1+1?
jim † says:
oh my gosh
TWO
(
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
9:45 PM )
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
me
jim
16 jul 92
belongs to God
bassist
guitarist
socceroo
fairsian
acsian
tagboard
link
Alastair
Alvin
Amanda
Annie
Aveline
Caleb
Charminn
Chermaine
Cheryl
Dawn
Denise
Esther
Glenn
Hannah
Jianwei
Joy
Jumana
Jun Xiong
June
Liyan
Nathanael
Qiying
Ralene
Russell
Serene
Sheila
Siti
Teegan
Tingfang
Wei En
Zhi Hua
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wendy has flown off. finally.
I have been dreading this day for the past year, and I guess the reality hasnt hit me yet. im gonna be optimistic; its not like she died or anything, but it's gonna be so different without a best friend and confidant. I know it will finally hit me, but I just dunno when and how.
i don't want to go on blogging in self-pity. so I guess thats it for now.
(
Saturday, August 29, 2009
12:51 AM )
yesterday was one of the most fun and craziest times of my life. what a wonderful day. it was kinda funny hanging out w people whom you hardly hang out with, like for example yifeng, trevor and matt. jumana has her rather irritating new english accent without singlish. siti's been long time no see, and it was kinda weird cos I was the only person from ac. just something I'm not used to.l
it was such an anticlimax coming back to school routine today. facing tutorial after lecture after tutorial after lecture, life seemed so surreal to just sit down and have some fun with the best people in the world. hahahahahahahahahahaha
life has been such a rollercoaster. exciting but highly unpredictable.
(
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
11:17 PM )
how many times, is it when you feel that God is silent, the circumstances are routine and monotonous, do you feel that God is actually doing a work in you? it has been very long, God. sometimes, it really takes a conscious and dying effort not to give up and to continue believing. i dont feel you near at all and i really want to give up, tempted to give up this faith, to give up trying again and again. my heart's pained by your silence. this was supposed to be the moment where you were supposed to be my source and my strength. yet where have you been? i have been trying; i really have been searching. but all this seeking has just left me empty.
(i have a knack of taking things of caleb's blog. this is rather lengthy and all, but if you do have time, esp guys, go ahead and read. its good food for the soul.)
THWARTING THE FALSE SELF
From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them. Stuart found he was good at math and science. He shut down his heart and spent all his energies perfecting his 'Spock' persona. There, in the academy, he was safe; he was also recognized and rewarded. Alex was good at sports and the whole macho image; he became a glass-eating animal. Stan became the nicest guy you could ever meet. 'In the story of my life,' he admitted, 'I want to be seen as the Nice Guy.' I became a hard-changing perfectionist; there, in my perfection, I found safety and recognition. 'When I was eight,' confesses Brennan Manning, 'the impostor, or false self , was born as a defense against pain. The impostor within whispered, 'Brennnan, don't ever be your real self anymore because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know.' Notice the key phrase: 'as a defense against pain,' as a way of saving himself. The impostor is our plan for salvation.
So God must take it all away. This often happens at the start of our initiation journey. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self. In the last chapter I told you of Brad's plan for self-redemption: he would belong to the 'inside group.' Even after it failed him time and again, breaking his heart over and over, he wouldn't give it up. He simply thought his aim was off; if he found the Right group, then his plan would work. Our plan for redemption is hard to let go of; it clings to our hearts like an octopus. So what did God do for Brad? He took it all away. God brought Brad to the point where he thought he had found The group, and then God prevented him from maneuvering his way in. Brad wrote me a letter to describe what he as going through:
God has taken all that away, stripped me of all the things I used to earn people's admiration. I knew what he was up to. He put me in a place where my heart's deepest wounds and arrows - and sin - came out. As I was weeping all these pictures of what I want to belong to came up - speaker, counselor in a group- and it was as if Jesus asked me to give them up. What came from my heart was surprising - incredible Fear. And then the image of never getting them. A sentence arose in my heart: ' You want me to die! If I give those up then I'll never belong and be somebody. You are asking me to die.' It has been my hope of salvation.
Why would God do something so cruel? Why would he do something so terrible as to wound us in the place of our deepest wound? Jesus warned us that 'whoever wants to save his life will lose it' (Luke 9:24). Christ is not using the word bios here; he's not talking about our physical life. The passage is not about trying to save your skin by ducking martyrdom or something like that. The word Christ uses for 'life' is the word psyche - the word for our soul, our inner self, our heart. He says that the things we do to save our psyche, our self, those plans to save and protect our inner life - those are the things that will actually destroy us. 'There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death' says Proverbs 16:25. The false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a life, the whole plan is built on pretense. It's a deadly trap. God loves us way too much to leave us there. So he thwarts us, in many, many different ways.
In order to take a man into his wound, so that he can heal it and begin the release of the true self, God will thwart the false self. He will take away all that you've leaned upon to bring you life. In the movie The Natural, Robert Redford is a baseball player named Roy Hobbs, perhaps the most gifted baseball player ever. He's a high school wonder boy, a natural who gets a shot at the big leagues. But his dreams of a professional career are cut short when Hobbs is wrongly sentenced to prison for murder. Years later, an aging Hobbs gets a second chance. He's signed by the New York Knights - the worst team in the league. But through his incredible gift, untarnished by the years, Hobbs leads the Knights from ignominy to the play-off game for the National League pennant. He rallies the team, becomes the center of their hopes and dreams.
The climax of the film is the game for the championship. It's the bottom of the ninth; the score is Pittsburgh 2, Knights 0. The Knights have 2 outs; there's a man on first and third when Hobbs steps up to the plate. He's their only chance; this is his moment. Now, there's something you must know, something absolutely crucial to the story. Ever since his high school days, Hobbs has played with a bat he made himself from the heart of a tree felled by lighting in his front yard. Burned into the bat is a lightning bolt and the words 'wonder boy.' That bat is the symbol of his greatness, his giftedness. He has never, ever played with another. Clutching 'wonder boy', Hobbs steps to the plate. His first swing is a miss; his second is a foul ball high and behind. His third is a solid hit along the first-base line; it looks like a home run, but it also lands foul. As Hobbs returns to the plate, he sees his bat lying there...in pieces. It shattered on that last swing.
This is the critical moment in a man's life, when all he has counted on comes crashing down, when his golden bat breaks into pieces. His investments fail; his company lets him go; the church fires him; he is leveled by an illness; his wife walks out; his daughter turns up pregnant. What is he to do? Will he stay in the game? Will he shrink back to the dugout? Will he scramble to try to put things back together, as so many men do? The true test of a man, the beginning of his redemption, actually starts when he can no longer rely on what he's used all his life. The real journey begins when the false self fails. A moment that seems like an eternity passes as Hobbs stands there, holding the broken pieces, surveying the damage. The bat is beyond repair. Then he says to the bat boy, 'God pick me out a winner, Bobby.' He stays in the game and hits a home run to win the series.
God will take away our 'bat' as well. He will do something to thwart the false self. Stuart 'saved' himself by becoming emotionless. Last year his wife walked out on him. She's had it with his two-dimensional existence; what woman wants to be married to Spock? Alex recently suffered a series of panic attacks that left him almost unable to leave his home. The whole macho construct fell to the ground. At first, nobody could believe it; Alex couldn't believe it. He was invincible, the strongest guy you ever met. But it was built as a defense against the wound. Our loss doesn't have to be something so dramatic. A man may simply awaken one day to find himself lost, lost as Dante described himself: 'In the middle of the road of my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the true way was wholly lost.' That was the turning point in my life.
I went to Washington D.C, as a young man to try to make something of myself, to prove something, establish credibility. The damnable thing about it was, I succeeded. My giftedness worked against me by coming through for me. I was recognized and rewarded. But the whole experience felt like an act of survival - not something flowing out of a deep center, but something I had to prove, overcome, grasp. As Manning said of his own impostor, 'I studied hard, scored excellent grades, won a scholarship in high school, and was stalked every waking moment by the terror of abandonment and the sense that nobody was there for me.' At the end of the two years I woke one morning and realized i hated my life.
How many helps thou giv'st to those who would learn!
To some sore pain, to others a sinking heart;
To some a weariness worse than any smart;
To some a haunting, fearing, blind concern;
Madness to some; to some the shaking dart
Of hideous death still following as they turn;
To some a hunger that will not depart
To some thou giv'st a deep unrest - a scorn
Of all they are or see upon the earth;
A gaze, at dusky night and clearning morn,
as on a land of emptiness and dearth;
To some a bitter sorrow; to some the sting
Of love misprized - of sick abandoning;
To some a frozen heart, oh, worse than anything!
The messengers of Satan think to mar,
But make - driving the soul from false to feal -
To thee, the reconciler, the one real,
In whom alone the would be and the is are met.
(George MacDonald, Diary of an Old Soul)
This is a very dangerous moment, when God seems set against everything that has meant life to us. Satan spies his opportunity, and leaps to accuse God in our hearts. You see, he says, God is angry with you. He's disappointed in you. If he loved you he would make things smoother. He's not out for your best, you know. The Enemy always tempts us back toward control, to recover and rebuild the false self. We must remember that is is out of love that God thwarts our impostor. As Hebrews reminds us, it is the son whom God disciplines, therefore do not lose heart. (12:5-6).
God thwarts us to save us. We think it will destroy us, but the opposite is true - we must be saved from what really will destroy us. If we would walk with him in our journey of masculine initiation, we must walk away from the false self - set it down, give it up willingly. It feels crazy; it feels immensely vulnerable. Brad has topped looking for the group. Stuart has begun to open his heart up to emotion, to relationship, to all that he buried so long ago. Alex stopped 'eating glass,' stopped the whole macho thing to face what he had never faced inside. I gave up perfectionism, left Washington, and went looking for my heart. We simply accept the invitation to leave all that we've relied on and venture of out with God. We can choose to do it ourselves, or we can wait for God to bring it all down.
If you have no clue as to what your false self may be, then a starting point would be to ask those you live with and work with, 'What is my effect on you? Wham am I like to live with (or work with)? What Don't you feel free to bring up with me?' If you never, ever say a word in a meeting because you fear you might say something stupid, well then, it's time to speak up. If all you ever do is dominate a meeting because your sense of self worth comes from being in charge, then you need to shut up for a while. If you've run to sports because you feel best about yourself there, then it's probably tome to give it a rest and stay home with your family. If you never play any game with other men, then it's time you go down to the gym with the guys and play some hoops. In other words, you face your fears head- on. Drop the fig leaf; come out from hiding. For how long? Longer than you want to; long enough to raise the deeper issues, let the wound surface from beneath it all.
Losing the false self is painful; though it's a mask, it's one we've worn for years and losing it can feel like losing a close friend. Underneath the mask is all the heart and fear we've been running from, hiding from. To let it come to the surface can shake us like an earthquake. Brad felt as if he was going to die, you may too. Or you may feel like Andy Gullahorn, who wrote the song 'Steel Bars' from Old Hat (© 1997 by Andy Gullahorn):
So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
But this is not the end of the road; it's the trailhead.
What you are journeying toward is freedom, healing, and authenticity.
Listen to the next part of Andy's song:
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break the chains that enslave my soul
WALKING AWAY FROM THE WOMAN
As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, those places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to the woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well. I do not mean you leave your wife. I mean to stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her. For some men, this may mean disappointing her. If you've been a passive man, tiptoeing around your wife for years, never doing anything to rock the boat, then it's time to rock it. Stand up to her; get her mad at you. For those of you violent men (including achievers), it means you stop abusing her. You release her as the object of your anger because you release her as the one who was supposed to be make you a man. Repentance for a driven man means you become kind. Both types are still going to the woman. Repentance depends on which way you've approached her.
But I have counseled many young men to break up with the woman they were dating because they had made her their life. She was the sun of his universe, around which he orbited. A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. Only then is he fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into. A friend tells me that in the Masai tribe in Africa, a young man cannot court a woman until he has killed a lion. That's their way of saying, until he has been initiated. I have seen far too many young men commit a kind of emotional promiscuity with a young woman. He will pursue her, not to offer his strength but to drink from her beauty, to be affirmed by her and feel like a man. They will share deep, intimate conversations. But he will not commit; he is Unable to commit. This is very unfair to the young lady. After a year of this sort of relationship a dear friend said, 'I never felt secure in what I meant to him.'
When we feel the pull toward the golden-haired woman, we must recognize that something deeper is at play. As Bly says,
What does it men when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone...he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some women a lot of trouble. (Iron John)
Again, this is not permission to divorce. A man who has married a woman has made her a solemn pledge; he can never heal his wound by delivering another to the one he promised to love. Sometimes she will leave him; that is another story. Too many men run after her, begging her not to go. If she has to go, it is probably because you have some soul work to do. What I am saying is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength; he goes to her to offer it. You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as a great man you do not need the woman. As Augustine said, 'Let my soul praise you for all these beauties, but let it not attach itself to them by the trap of love,' the trap of addiction because we've taken our soul to her for validation.
But there is an even deeper issue than our question. What else is it we are seeking from the Woman with the Golden Hair? What is that ache we are trying to assuage with her? Mercy, comfort, beauty, ecstasy - in a word, God. I'm serious. What we are looking for is God.
There was a time when Adam drank deeply from the source of all Love. He - our first father and archetype - lived in an unbroken communion with the most captivating, beautiful and intoxicating Source of life in the universe. Adam had God. True, it was not good for man to be alone, and God in his humility gave us Eve, allowed us to need her as well. But something happened at the Fall; something Shifted. Eve took the place of God in a man's life. Let me explain.
Adam was not deceived by the serpent. Did you know that? Paul makes it clear in 1 Timothy 2:14 - Adam did not fall because he was deceived. His sin was different; in some ways, it was more serious in that he did it with open eyes. We do not know how long it lasted, but there was a moment in Eden when Eve was fallen and Adam was not, she had eaten, but he yet had a choice. I believe something took place in his heart that went like this: I have lost my ezer kenegdo, my soul mate, the most vital companion I've known. I do not know what life will be like, but I know I cannot live without her.
Adam chose Eve over God.
If you think I exaggerate, simply look around. Look at all the art, poetry, music, drama devoted to the beautiful woman. Listen to the language men use to describe her. Watch the powerful obsession at work. What else can this be but Worship? Men come into the world without the God who was our deepest joy, our ecstasy. Aching for we know not what, we meet Eve's daughters and we are history. She is the closest thing we've ever encountered, the pinnacle of creation, the very embodiment of God's beauty and mystery and tenderness and allure. And what goes out to her is not just our longing for Eve, but our longing for God as well. A man without his true love, his life, his God, will find another. What better substitute than Eve's daughters? Nothing else in creation even comes close.
To a young man who had ever been without a girlfriend since the eighth grade, I have the advice that he should break up, call off the dating for one year. From the look on his face you'd have thought I told him to cut off his arm... or something worse. Do you see what is at work here? Notice that the struggle with pornography or masturbation is most difficult when you are lonely, or beat up, or longing for comfort in some way. This will become more intense as you get closer to your wound. The longing for the ache to go away, and pull toward other comforters can seem overwhelming. I've watched it in many men. I know it in myself. But if this is the water you are truly thirsty for, then why do you remain thirsty after you've had a drink? It's the wrong well.
We must reverse Adam's choice; we must choose God over Eve. We must take our ache to him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound.'
Wild at Heart
John Elderdge
(
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
6:18 PM )
the lights have been spoilt for two weeks alr, and I'm getting quite bored of it. I got quite a few cool new ideas but have yet to try it.
SPA is this tues and thurs. they account for 7.5% of my a level grade, so I guess I have to take it really seriously. I'm confident of my the actual experiment, but it's the questions and theory part that im not certain about. I cant quite get the chemistry behind potassium carbonate double titrations..
on the other hand, I NEED TO SLEEP!
ahhhh, fifteen august two o o nine, holland village bus stop. hahahaha
(
Sunday, August 16, 2009
5:41 AM )
Stand Still by Leeland
Broken hands and tattered clothes
Off the sides of busy roads
These are people, these are souls and
Their help's in our control
But "busy roads" is where we stay
Busy lives is just the way
How we live life today
Am I the only one afraid?
Chorus:
We're moving too fast and it's blinding us
The speed that we're in is just too quick for love
There's so many problems that we could fix
If stopping is all that we do in their midst
It's enough to feel
All the pain in the world that needs to be healed
If we just Stand Still
The love of God is in the streets
In the people that we meet
On the faces of the weak
We look and see God's strength
And are there any who will go
Forsaking lands and leaving homes
All so broken hearts may know that
God will mend their souls
We need to look around us
OKAY WAIT THIS IS EPIC.
jolena. says:
what's 1+1?
jim † says:
oh my gosh
TWO
(
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
9:45 PM )
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
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yesterday was one of the most fun and craziest times of my life. what a wonderful day. it was kinda funny hanging out w people whom you hardly hang out with, like for example yifeng, trevor and matt. jumana has her rather irritating new english accent without singlish. siti's been long time no see, and it was kinda weird cos I was the only person from ac. just something I'm not used to.l
it was such an anticlimax coming back to school routine today. facing tutorial after lecture after tutorial after lecture, life seemed so surreal to just sit down and have some fun with the best people in the world. hahahahahahahahahahaha
life has been such a rollercoaster. exciting but highly unpredictable.
(
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
11:17 PM )
how many times, is it when you feel that God is silent, the circumstances are routine and monotonous, do you feel that God is actually doing a work in you? it has been very long, God. sometimes, it really takes a conscious and dying effort not to give up and to continue believing. i dont feel you near at all and i really want to give up, tempted to give up this faith, to give up trying again and again. my heart's pained by your silence. this was supposed to be the moment where you were supposed to be my source and my strength. yet where have you been? i have been trying; i really have been searching. but all this seeking has just left me empty.
(i have a knack of taking things of caleb's blog. this is rather lengthy and all, but if you do have time, esp guys, go ahead and read. its good food for the soul.)
THWARTING THE FALSE SELF
From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them. Stuart found he was good at math and science. He shut down his heart and spent all his energies perfecting his 'Spock' persona. There, in the academy, he was safe; he was also recognized and rewarded. Alex was good at sports and the whole macho image; he became a glass-eating animal. Stan became the nicest guy you could ever meet. 'In the story of my life,' he admitted, 'I want to be seen as the Nice Guy.' I became a hard-changing perfectionist; there, in my perfection, I found safety and recognition. 'When I was eight,' confesses Brennan Manning, 'the impostor, or false self , was born as a defense against pain. The impostor within whispered, 'Brennnan, don't ever be your real self anymore because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know.' Notice the key phrase: 'as a defense against pain,' as a way of saving himself. The impostor is our plan for salvation.
So God must take it all away. This often happens at the start of our initiation journey. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self. In the last chapter I told you of Brad's plan for self-redemption: he would belong to the 'inside group.' Even after it failed him time and again, breaking his heart over and over, he wouldn't give it up. He simply thought his aim was off; if he found the Right group, then his plan would work. Our plan for redemption is hard to let go of; it clings to our hearts like an octopus. So what did God do for Brad? He took it all away. God brought Brad to the point where he thought he had found The group, and then God prevented him from maneuvering his way in. Brad wrote me a letter to describe what he as going through:
God has taken all that away, stripped me of all the things I used to earn people's admiration. I knew what he was up to. He put me in a place where my heart's deepest wounds and arrows - and sin - came out. As I was weeping all these pictures of what I want to belong to came up - speaker, counselor in a group- and it was as if Jesus asked me to give them up. What came from my heart was surprising - incredible Fear. And then the image of never getting them. A sentence arose in my heart: ' You want me to die! If I give those up then I'll never belong and be somebody. You are asking me to die.' It has been my hope of salvation.
Why would God do something so cruel? Why would he do something so terrible as to wound us in the place of our deepest wound? Jesus warned us that 'whoever wants to save his life will lose it' (Luke 9:24). Christ is not using the word bios here; he's not talking about our physical life. The passage is not about trying to save your skin by ducking martyrdom or something like that. The word Christ uses for 'life' is the word psyche - the word for our soul, our inner self, our heart. He says that the things we do to save our psyche, our self, those plans to save and protect our inner life - those are the things that will actually destroy us. 'There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death' says Proverbs 16:25. The false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a life, the whole plan is built on pretense. It's a deadly trap. God loves us way too much to leave us there. So he thwarts us, in many, many different ways.
In order to take a man into his wound, so that he can heal it and begin the release of the true self, God will thwart the false self. He will take away all that you've leaned upon to bring you life. In the movie The Natural, Robert Redford is a baseball player named Roy Hobbs, perhaps the most gifted baseball player ever. He's a high school wonder boy, a natural who gets a shot at the big leagues. But his dreams of a professional career are cut short when Hobbs is wrongly sentenced to prison for murder. Years later, an aging Hobbs gets a second chance. He's signed by the New York Knights - the worst team in the league. But through his incredible gift, untarnished by the years, Hobbs leads the Knights from ignominy to the play-off game for the National League pennant. He rallies the team, becomes the center of their hopes and dreams.
The climax of the film is the game for the championship. It's the bottom of the ninth; the score is Pittsburgh 2, Knights 0. The Knights have 2 outs; there's a man on first and third when Hobbs steps up to the plate. He's their only chance; this is his moment. Now, there's something you must know, something absolutely crucial to the story. Ever since his high school days, Hobbs has played with a bat he made himself from the heart of a tree felled by lighting in his front yard. Burned into the bat is a lightning bolt and the words 'wonder boy.' That bat is the symbol of his greatness, his giftedness. He has never, ever played with another. Clutching 'wonder boy', Hobbs steps to the plate. His first swing is a miss; his second is a foul ball high and behind. His third is a solid hit along the first-base line; it looks like a home run, but it also lands foul. As Hobbs returns to the plate, he sees his bat lying there...in pieces. It shattered on that last swing.
This is the critical moment in a man's life, when all he has counted on comes crashing down, when his golden bat breaks into pieces. His investments fail; his company lets him go; the church fires him; he is leveled by an illness; his wife walks out; his daughter turns up pregnant. What is he to do? Will he stay in the game? Will he shrink back to the dugout? Will he scramble to try to put things back together, as so many men do? The true test of a man, the beginning of his redemption, actually starts when he can no longer rely on what he's used all his life. The real journey begins when the false self fails. A moment that seems like an eternity passes as Hobbs stands there, holding the broken pieces, surveying the damage. The bat is beyond repair. Then he says to the bat boy, 'God pick me out a winner, Bobby.' He stays in the game and hits a home run to win the series.
God will take away our 'bat' as well. He will do something to thwart the false self. Stuart 'saved' himself by becoming emotionless. Last year his wife walked out on him. She's had it with his two-dimensional existence; what woman wants to be married to Spock? Alex recently suffered a series of panic attacks that left him almost unable to leave his home. The whole macho construct fell to the ground. At first, nobody could believe it; Alex couldn't believe it. He was invincible, the strongest guy you ever met. But it was built as a defense against the wound. Our loss doesn't have to be something so dramatic. A man may simply awaken one day to find himself lost, lost as Dante described himself: 'In the middle of the road of my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the true way was wholly lost.' That was the turning point in my life.
I went to Washington D.C, as a young man to try to make something of myself, to prove something, establish credibility. The damnable thing about it was, I succeeded. My giftedness worked against me by coming through for me. I was recognized and rewarded. But the whole experience felt like an act of survival - not something flowing out of a deep center, but something I had to prove, overcome, grasp. As Manning said of his own impostor, 'I studied hard, scored excellent grades, won a scholarship in high school, and was stalked every waking moment by the terror of abandonment and the sense that nobody was there for me.' At the end of the two years I woke one morning and realized i hated my life.
How many helps thou giv'st to those who would learn!
To some sore pain, to others a sinking heart;
To some a weariness worse than any smart;
To some a haunting, fearing, blind concern;
Madness to some; to some the shaking dart
Of hideous death still following as they turn;
To some a hunger that will not depart
To some thou giv'st a deep unrest - a scorn
Of all they are or see upon the earth;
A gaze, at dusky night and clearning morn,
as on a land of emptiness and dearth;
To some a bitter sorrow; to some the sting
Of love misprized - of sick abandoning;
To some a frozen heart, oh, worse than anything!
The messengers of Satan think to mar,
But make - driving the soul from false to feal -
To thee, the reconciler, the one real,
In whom alone the would be and the is are met.
(George MacDonald, Diary of an Old Soul)
This is a very dangerous moment, when God seems set against everything that has meant life to us. Satan spies his opportunity, and leaps to accuse God in our hearts. You see, he says, God is angry with you. He's disappointed in you. If he loved you he would make things smoother. He's not out for your best, you know. The Enemy always tempts us back toward control, to recover and rebuild the false self. We must remember that is is out of love that God thwarts our impostor. As Hebrews reminds us, it is the son whom God disciplines, therefore do not lose heart. (12:5-6).
God thwarts us to save us. We think it will destroy us, but the opposite is true - we must be saved from what really will destroy us. If we would walk with him in our journey of masculine initiation, we must walk away from the false self - set it down, give it up willingly. It feels crazy; it feels immensely vulnerable. Brad has topped looking for the group. Stuart has begun to open his heart up to emotion, to relationship, to all that he buried so long ago. Alex stopped 'eating glass,' stopped the whole macho thing to face what he had never faced inside. I gave up perfectionism, left Washington, and went looking for my heart. We simply accept the invitation to leave all that we've relied on and venture of out with God. We can choose to do it ourselves, or we can wait for God to bring it all down.
If you have no clue as to what your false self may be, then a starting point would be to ask those you live with and work with, 'What is my effect on you? Wham am I like to live with (or work with)? What Don't you feel free to bring up with me?' If you never, ever say a word in a meeting because you fear you might say something stupid, well then, it's time to speak up. If all you ever do is dominate a meeting because your sense of self worth comes from being in charge, then you need to shut up for a while. If you've run to sports because you feel best about yourself there, then it's probably tome to give it a rest and stay home with your family. If you never play any game with other men, then it's time you go down to the gym with the guys and play some hoops. In other words, you face your fears head- on. Drop the fig leaf; come out from hiding. For how long? Longer than you want to; long enough to raise the deeper issues, let the wound surface from beneath it all.
Losing the false self is painful; though it's a mask, it's one we've worn for years and losing it can feel like losing a close friend. Underneath the mask is all the heart and fear we've been running from, hiding from. To let it come to the surface can shake us like an earthquake. Brad felt as if he was going to die, you may too. Or you may feel like Andy Gullahorn, who wrote the song 'Steel Bars' from Old Hat (© 1997 by Andy Gullahorn):
So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
But this is not the end of the road; it's the trailhead.
What you are journeying toward is freedom, healing, and authenticity.
Listen to the next part of Andy's song:
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break the chains that enslave my soul
WALKING AWAY FROM THE WOMAN
As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, those places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to the woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well. I do not mean you leave your wife. I mean to stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her. For some men, this may mean disappointing her. If you've been a passive man, tiptoeing around your wife for years, never doing anything to rock the boat, then it's time to rock it. Stand up to her; get her mad at you. For those of you violent men (including achievers), it means you stop abusing her. You release her as the object of your anger because you release her as the one who was supposed to be make you a man. Repentance for a driven man means you become kind. Both types are still going to the woman. Repentance depends on which way you've approached her.
But I have counseled many young men to break up with the woman they were dating because they had made her their life. She was the sun of his universe, around which he orbited. A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. Only then is he fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into. A friend tells me that in the Masai tribe in Africa, a young man cannot court a woman until he has killed a lion. That's their way of saying, until he has been initiated. I have seen far too many young men commit a kind of emotional promiscuity with a young woman. He will pursue her, not to offer his strength but to drink from her beauty, to be affirmed by her and feel like a man. They will share deep, intimate conversations. But he will not commit; he is Unable to commit. This is very unfair to the young lady. After a year of this sort of relationship a dear friend said, 'I never felt secure in what I meant to him.'
When we feel the pull toward the golden-haired woman, we must recognize that something deeper is at play. As Bly says,
What does it men when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone...he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some women a lot of trouble. (Iron John)
Again, this is not permission to divorce. A man who has married a woman has made her a solemn pledge; he can never heal his wound by delivering another to the one he promised to love. Sometimes she will leave him; that is another story. Too many men run after her, begging her not to go. If she has to go, it is probably because you have some soul work to do. What I am saying is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength; he goes to her to offer it. You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as a great man you do not need the woman. As Augustine said, 'Let my soul praise you for all these beauties, but let it not attach itself to them by the trap of love,' the trap of addiction because we've taken our soul to her for validation.
But there is an even deeper issue than our question. What else is it we are seeking from the Woman with the Golden Hair? What is that ache we are trying to assuage with her? Mercy, comfort, beauty, ecstasy - in a word, God. I'm serious. What we are looking for is God.
There was a time when Adam drank deeply from the source of all Love. He - our first father and archetype - lived in an unbroken communion with the most captivating, beautiful and intoxicating Source of life in the universe. Adam had God. True, it was not good for man to be alone, and God in his humility gave us Eve, allowed us to need her as well. But something happened at the Fall; something Shifted. Eve took the place of God in a man's life. Let me explain.
Adam was not deceived by the serpent. Did you know that? Paul makes it clear in 1 Timothy 2:14 - Adam did not fall because he was deceived. His sin was different; in some ways, it was more serious in that he did it with open eyes. We do not know how long it lasted, but there was a moment in Eden when Eve was fallen and Adam was not, she had eaten, but he yet had a choice. I believe something took place in his heart that went like this: I have lost my ezer kenegdo, my soul mate, the most vital companion I've known. I do not know what life will be like, but I know I cannot live without her.
Adam chose Eve over God.
If you think I exaggerate, simply look around. Look at all the art, poetry, music, drama devoted to the beautiful woman. Listen to the language men use to describe her. Watch the powerful obsession at work. What else can this be but Worship? Men come into the world without the God who was our deepest joy, our ecstasy. Aching for we know not what, we meet Eve's daughters and we are history. She is the closest thing we've ever encountered, the pinnacle of creation, the very embodiment of God's beauty and mystery and tenderness and allure. And what goes out to her is not just our longing for Eve, but our longing for God as well. A man without his true love, his life, his God, will find another. What better substitute than Eve's daughters? Nothing else in creation even comes close.
To a young man who had ever been without a girlfriend since the eighth grade, I have the advice that he should break up, call off the dating for one year. From the look on his face you'd have thought I told him to cut off his arm... or something worse. Do you see what is at work here? Notice that the struggle with pornography or masturbation is most difficult when you are lonely, or beat up, or longing for comfort in some way. This will become more intense as you get closer to your wound. The longing for the ache to go away, and pull toward other comforters can seem overwhelming. I've watched it in many men. I know it in myself. But if this is the water you are truly thirsty for, then why do you remain thirsty after you've had a drink? It's the wrong well.
We must reverse Adam's choice; we must choose God over Eve. We must take our ache to him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound.'
Wild at Heart
John Elderdge
(
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
6:18 PM )
the lights have been spoilt for two weeks alr, and I'm getting quite bored of it. I got quite a few cool new ideas but have yet to try it.
SPA is this tues and thurs. they account for 7.5% of my a level grade, so I guess I have to take it really seriously. I'm confident of my the actual experiment, but it's the questions and theory part that im not certain about. I cant quite get the chemistry behind potassium carbonate double titrations..
on the other hand, I NEED TO SLEEP!
ahhhh, fifteen august two o o nine, holland village bus stop. hahahaha
(
Sunday, August 16, 2009
5:41 AM )
Stand Still by Leeland
Broken hands and tattered clothes
Off the sides of busy roads
These are people, these are souls and
Their help's in our control
But "busy roads" is where we stay
Busy lives is just the way
How we live life today
Am I the only one afraid?
Chorus:
We're moving too fast and it's blinding us
The speed that we're in is just too quick for love
There's so many problems that we could fix
If stopping is all that we do in their midst
It's enough to feel
All the pain in the world that needs to be healed
If we just Stand Still
The love of God is in the streets
In the people that we meet
On the faces of the weak
We look and see God's strength
And are there any who will go
Forsaking lands and leaving homes
All so broken hearts may know that
God will mend their souls
We need to look around us
OKAY WAIT THIS IS EPIC.
jolena. says:
what's 1+1?
jim † says:
oh my gosh
TWO
(
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
9:45 PM )
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
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counter
how many times, is it when you feel that God is silent, the circumstances are routine and monotonous, do you feel that God is actually doing a work in you? it has been very long, God. sometimes, it really takes a conscious and dying effort not to give up and to continue believing. i dont feel you near at all and i really want to give up, tempted to give up this faith, to give up trying again and again. my heart's pained by your silence. this was supposed to be the moment where you were supposed to be my source and my strength. yet where have you been? i have been trying; i really have been searching. but all this seeking has just left me empty.
(i have a knack of taking things of caleb's blog. this is rather lengthy and all, but if you do have time, esp guys, go ahead and read. its good food for the soul.)
THWARTING THE FALSE SELF
From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them. Stuart found he was good at math and science. He shut down his heart and spent all his energies perfecting his 'Spock' persona. There, in the academy, he was safe; he was also recognized and rewarded. Alex was good at sports and the whole macho image; he became a glass-eating animal. Stan became the nicest guy you could ever meet. 'In the story of my life,' he admitted, 'I want to be seen as the Nice Guy.' I became a hard-changing perfectionist; there, in my perfection, I found safety and recognition. 'When I was eight,' confesses Brennan Manning, 'the impostor, or false self , was born as a defense against pain. The impostor within whispered, 'Brennnan, don't ever be your real self anymore because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know.' Notice the key phrase: 'as a defense against pain,' as a way of saving himself. The impostor is our plan for salvation.
So God must take it all away. This often happens at the start of our initiation journey. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self. In the last chapter I told you of Brad's plan for self-redemption: he would belong to the 'inside group.' Even after it failed him time and again, breaking his heart over and over, he wouldn't give it up. He simply thought his aim was off; if he found the Right group, then his plan would work. Our plan for redemption is hard to let go of; it clings to our hearts like an octopus. So what did God do for Brad? He took it all away. God brought Brad to the point where he thought he had found The group, and then God prevented him from maneuvering his way in. Brad wrote me a letter to describe what he as going through:
God has taken all that away, stripped me of all the things I used to earn people's admiration. I knew what he was up to. He put me in a place where my heart's deepest wounds and arrows - and sin - came out. As I was weeping all these pictures of what I want to belong to came up - speaker, counselor in a group- and it was as if Jesus asked me to give them up. What came from my heart was surprising - incredible Fear. And then the image of never getting them. A sentence arose in my heart: ' You want me to die! If I give those up then I'll never belong and be somebody. You are asking me to die.' It has been my hope of salvation.
Why would God do something so cruel? Why would he do something so terrible as to wound us in the place of our deepest wound? Jesus warned us that 'whoever wants to save his life will lose it' (Luke 9:24). Christ is not using the word bios here; he's not talking about our physical life. The passage is not about trying to save your skin by ducking martyrdom or something like that. The word Christ uses for 'life' is the word psyche - the word for our soul, our inner self, our heart. He says that the things we do to save our psyche, our self, those plans to save and protect our inner life - those are the things that will actually destroy us. 'There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death' says Proverbs 16:25. The false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a life, the whole plan is built on pretense. It's a deadly trap. God loves us way too much to leave us there. So he thwarts us, in many, many different ways.
In order to take a man into his wound, so that he can heal it and begin the release of the true self, God will thwart the false self. He will take away all that you've leaned upon to bring you life. In the movie The Natural, Robert Redford is a baseball player named Roy Hobbs, perhaps the most gifted baseball player ever. He's a high school wonder boy, a natural who gets a shot at the big leagues. But his dreams of a professional career are cut short when Hobbs is wrongly sentenced to prison for murder. Years later, an aging Hobbs gets a second chance. He's signed by the New York Knights - the worst team in the league. But through his incredible gift, untarnished by the years, Hobbs leads the Knights from ignominy to the play-off game for the National League pennant. He rallies the team, becomes the center of their hopes and dreams.
The climax of the film is the game for the championship. It's the bottom of the ninth; the score is Pittsburgh 2, Knights 0. The Knights have 2 outs; there's a man on first and third when Hobbs steps up to the plate. He's their only chance; this is his moment. Now, there's something you must know, something absolutely crucial to the story. Ever since his high school days, Hobbs has played with a bat he made himself from the heart of a tree felled by lighting in his front yard. Burned into the bat is a lightning bolt and the words 'wonder boy.' That bat is the symbol of his greatness, his giftedness. He has never, ever played with another. Clutching 'wonder boy', Hobbs steps to the plate. His first swing is a miss; his second is a foul ball high and behind. His third is a solid hit along the first-base line; it looks like a home run, but it also lands foul. As Hobbs returns to the plate, he sees his bat lying there...in pieces. It shattered on that last swing.
This is the critical moment in a man's life, when all he has counted on comes crashing down, when his golden bat breaks into pieces. His investments fail; his company lets him go; the church fires him; he is leveled by an illness; his wife walks out; his daughter turns up pregnant. What is he to do? Will he stay in the game? Will he shrink back to the dugout? Will he scramble to try to put things back together, as so many men do? The true test of a man, the beginning of his redemption, actually starts when he can no longer rely on what he's used all his life. The real journey begins when the false self fails. A moment that seems like an eternity passes as Hobbs stands there, holding the broken pieces, surveying the damage. The bat is beyond repair. Then he says to the bat boy, 'God pick me out a winner, Bobby.' He stays in the game and hits a home run to win the series.
God will take away our 'bat' as well. He will do something to thwart the false self. Stuart 'saved' himself by becoming emotionless. Last year his wife walked out on him. She's had it with his two-dimensional existence; what woman wants to be married to Spock? Alex recently suffered a series of panic attacks that left him almost unable to leave his home. The whole macho construct fell to the ground. At first, nobody could believe it; Alex couldn't believe it. He was invincible, the strongest guy you ever met. But it was built as a defense against the wound. Our loss doesn't have to be something so dramatic. A man may simply awaken one day to find himself lost, lost as Dante described himself: 'In the middle of the road of my life, I awoke in a dark wood, where the true way was wholly lost.' That was the turning point in my life.
I went to Washington D.C, as a young man to try to make something of myself, to prove something, establish credibility. The damnable thing about it was, I succeeded. My giftedness worked against me by coming through for me. I was recognized and rewarded. But the whole experience felt like an act of survival - not something flowing out of a deep center, but something I had to prove, overcome, grasp. As Manning said of his own impostor, 'I studied hard, scored excellent grades, won a scholarship in high school, and was stalked every waking moment by the terror of abandonment and the sense that nobody was there for me.' At the end of the two years I woke one morning and realized i hated my life.
How many helps thou giv'st to those who would learn!
To some sore pain, to others a sinking heart;
To some a weariness worse than any smart;
To some a haunting, fearing, blind concern;
Madness to some; to some the shaking dart
Of hideous death still following as they turn;
To some a hunger that will not depart
To some thou giv'st a deep unrest - a scorn
Of all they are or see upon the earth;
A gaze, at dusky night and clearning morn,
as on a land of emptiness and dearth;
To some a bitter sorrow; to some the sting
Of love misprized - of sick abandoning;
To some a frozen heart, oh, worse than anything!
The messengers of Satan think to mar,
But make - driving the soul from false to feal -
To thee, the reconciler, the one real,
In whom alone the would be and the is are met.
(George MacDonald, Diary of an Old Soul)
This is a very dangerous moment, when God seems set against everything that has meant life to us. Satan spies his opportunity, and leaps to accuse God in our hearts. You see, he says, God is angry with you. He's disappointed in you. If he loved you he would make things smoother. He's not out for your best, you know. The Enemy always tempts us back toward control, to recover and rebuild the false self. We must remember that is is out of love that God thwarts our impostor. As Hebrews reminds us, it is the son whom God disciplines, therefore do not lose heart. (12:5-6).
God thwarts us to save us. We think it will destroy us, but the opposite is true - we must be saved from what really will destroy us. If we would walk with him in our journey of masculine initiation, we must walk away from the false self - set it down, give it up willingly. It feels crazy; it feels immensely vulnerable. Brad has topped looking for the group. Stuart has begun to open his heart up to emotion, to relationship, to all that he buried so long ago. Alex stopped 'eating glass,' stopped the whole macho thing to face what he had never faced inside. I gave up perfectionism, left Washington, and went looking for my heart. We simply accept the invitation to leave all that we've relied on and venture of out with God. We can choose to do it ourselves, or we can wait for God to bring it all down.
If you have no clue as to what your false self may be, then a starting point would be to ask those you live with and work with, 'What is my effect on you? Wham am I like to live with (or work with)? What Don't you feel free to bring up with me?' If you never, ever say a word in a meeting because you fear you might say something stupid, well then, it's time to speak up. If all you ever do is dominate a meeting because your sense of self worth comes from being in charge, then you need to shut up for a while. If you've run to sports because you feel best about yourself there, then it's probably tome to give it a rest and stay home with your family. If you never play any game with other men, then it's time you go down to the gym with the guys and play some hoops. In other words, you face your fears head- on. Drop the fig leaf; come out from hiding. For how long? Longer than you want to; long enough to raise the deeper issues, let the wound surface from beneath it all.
Losing the false self is painful; though it's a mask, it's one we've worn for years and losing it can feel like losing a close friend. Underneath the mask is all the heart and fear we've been running from, hiding from. To let it come to the surface can shake us like an earthquake. Brad felt as if he was going to die, you may too. Or you may feel like Andy Gullahorn, who wrote the song 'Steel Bars' from Old Hat (© 1997 by Andy Gullahorn):
So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
But this is not the end of the road; it's the trailhead.
What you are journeying toward is freedom, healing, and authenticity.
Listen to the next part of Andy's song:
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break the chains that enslave my soul
WALKING AWAY FROM THE WOMAN
As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, those places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to the woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well. I do not mean you leave your wife. I mean to stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her. For some men, this may mean disappointing her. If you've been a passive man, tiptoeing around your wife for years, never doing anything to rock the boat, then it's time to rock it. Stand up to her; get her mad at you. For those of you violent men (including achievers), it means you stop abusing her. You release her as the object of your anger because you release her as the one who was supposed to be make you a man. Repentance for a driven man means you become kind. Both types are still going to the woman. Repentance depends on which way you've approached her.
But I have counseled many young men to break up with the woman they were dating because they had made her their life. She was the sun of his universe, around which he orbited. A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. Only then is he fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into. A friend tells me that in the Masai tribe in Africa, a young man cannot court a woman until he has killed a lion. That's their way of saying, until he has been initiated. I have seen far too many young men commit a kind of emotional promiscuity with a young woman. He will pursue her, not to offer his strength but to drink from her beauty, to be affirmed by her and feel like a man. They will share deep, intimate conversations. But he will not commit; he is Unable to commit. This is very unfair to the young lady. After a year of this sort of relationship a dear friend said, 'I never felt secure in what I meant to him.'
When we feel the pull toward the golden-haired woman, we must recognize that something deeper is at play. As Bly says,
What does it men when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone...he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save some women a lot of trouble. (Iron John)
Again, this is not permission to divorce. A man who has married a woman has made her a solemn pledge; he can never heal his wound by delivering another to the one he promised to love. Sometimes she will leave him; that is another story. Too many men run after her, begging her not to go. If she has to go, it is probably because you have some soul work to do. What I am saying is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength; he goes to her to offer it. You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as a great man you do not need the woman. As Augustine said, 'Let my soul praise you for all these beauties, but let it not attach itself to them by the trap of love,' the trap of addiction because we've taken our soul to her for validation.
But there is an even deeper issue than our question. What else is it we are seeking from the Woman with the Golden Hair? What is that ache we are trying to assuage with her? Mercy, comfort, beauty, ecstasy - in a word, God. I'm serious. What we are looking for is God.
There was a time when Adam drank deeply from the source of all Love. He - our first father and archetype - lived in an unbroken communion with the most captivating, beautiful and intoxicating Source of life in the universe. Adam had God. True, it was not good for man to be alone, and God in his humility gave us Eve, allowed us to need her as well. But something happened at the Fall; something Shifted. Eve took the place of God in a man's life. Let me explain.
Adam was not deceived by the serpent. Did you know that? Paul makes it clear in 1 Timothy 2:14 - Adam did not fall because he was deceived. His sin was different; in some ways, it was more serious in that he did it with open eyes. We do not know how long it lasted, but there was a moment in Eden when Eve was fallen and Adam was not, she had eaten, but he yet had a choice. I believe something took place in his heart that went like this: I have lost my ezer kenegdo, my soul mate, the most vital companion I've known. I do not know what life will be like, but I know I cannot live without her.
Adam chose Eve over God.
If you think I exaggerate, simply look around. Look at all the art, poetry, music, drama devoted to the beautiful woman. Listen to the language men use to describe her. Watch the powerful obsession at work. What else can this be but Worship? Men come into the world without the God who was our deepest joy, our ecstasy. Aching for we know not what, we meet Eve's daughters and we are history. She is the closest thing we've ever encountered, the pinnacle of creation, the very embodiment of God's beauty and mystery and tenderness and allure. And what goes out to her is not just our longing for Eve, but our longing for God as well. A man without his true love, his life, his God, will find another. What better substitute than Eve's daughters? Nothing else in creation even comes close.
To a young man who had ever been without a girlfriend since the eighth grade, I have the advice that he should break up, call off the dating for one year. From the look on his face you'd have thought I told him to cut off his arm... or something worse. Do you see what is at work here? Notice that the struggle with pornography or masturbation is most difficult when you are lonely, or beat up, or longing for comfort in some way. This will become more intense as you get closer to your wound. The longing for the ache to go away, and pull toward other comforters can seem overwhelming. I've watched it in many men. I know it in myself. But if this is the water you are truly thirsty for, then why do you remain thirsty after you've had a drink? It's the wrong well.
We must reverse Adam's choice; we must choose God over Eve. We must take our ache to him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound.'
Wild at Heart
John Elderdge
(
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
6:18 PM )
the lights have been spoilt for two weeks alr, and I'm getting quite bored of it. I got quite a few cool new ideas but have yet to try it.
SPA is this tues and thurs. they account for 7.5% of my a level grade, so I guess I have to take it really seriously. I'm confident of my the actual experiment, but it's the questions and theory part that im not certain about. I cant quite get the chemistry behind potassium carbonate double titrations..
on the other hand, I NEED TO SLEEP!
ahhhh, fifteen august two o o nine, holland village bus stop. hahahaha
(
Sunday, August 16, 2009
5:41 AM )
Stand Still by Leeland
Broken hands and tattered clothes
Off the sides of busy roads
These are people, these are souls and
Their help's in our control
But "busy roads" is where we stay
Busy lives is just the way
How we live life today
Am I the only one afraid?
Chorus:
We're moving too fast and it's blinding us
The speed that we're in is just too quick for love
There's so many problems that we could fix
If stopping is all that we do in their midst
It's enough to feel
All the pain in the world that needs to be healed
If we just Stand Still
The love of God is in the streets
In the people that we meet
On the faces of the weak
We look and see God's strength
And are there any who will go
Forsaking lands and leaving homes
All so broken hearts may know that
God will mend their souls
We need to look around us
OKAY WAIT THIS IS EPIC.
jolena. says:
what's 1+1?
jim † says:
oh my gosh
TWO
(
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
9:45 PM )
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
me
jim
16 jul 92
belongs to God
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guitarist
socceroo
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acsian
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link
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counter
the lights have been spoilt for two weeks alr, and I'm getting quite bored of it. I got quite a few cool new ideas but have yet to try it.
SPA is this tues and thurs. they account for 7.5% of my a level grade, so I guess I have to take it really seriously. I'm confident of my the actual experiment, but it's the questions and theory part that im not certain about. I cant quite get the chemistry behind potassium carbonate double titrations..
on the other hand, I NEED TO SLEEP!
ahhhh, fifteen august two o o nine, holland village bus stop. hahahaha
(
Sunday, August 16, 2009
5:41 AM )
Stand Still by Leeland
Broken hands and tattered clothes
Off the sides of busy roads
These are people, these are souls and
Their help's in our control
But "busy roads" is where we stay
Busy lives is just the way
How we live life today
Am I the only one afraid?
Chorus:
We're moving too fast and it's blinding us
The speed that we're in is just too quick for love
There's so many problems that we could fix
If stopping is all that we do in their midst
It's enough to feel
All the pain in the world that needs to be healed
If we just Stand Still
The love of God is in the streets
In the people that we meet
On the faces of the weak
We look and see God's strength
And are there any who will go
Forsaking lands and leaving homes
All so broken hearts may know that
God will mend their souls
We need to look around us
OKAY WAIT THIS IS EPIC.
jolena. says:
what's 1+1?
jim † says:
oh my gosh
TWO
(
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
9:45 PM )
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
me
jim
16 jul 92
belongs to God
bassist
guitarist
socceroo
fairsian
acsian
tagboard
link
Alastair
Alvin
Amanda
Annie
Aveline
Caleb
Charminn
Chermaine
Cheryl
Dawn
Denise
Esther
Glenn
Hannah
Jianwei
Joy
Jumana
Jun Xiong
June
Liyan
Nathanael
Qiying
Ralene
Russell
Serene
Sheila
Siti
Teegan
Tingfang
Wei En
Zhi Hua
archive
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
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September 2009
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November 2009
counter
Stand Still by Leeland
Broken hands and tattered clothes
Off the sides of busy roads
These are people, these are souls and
Their help's in our control
But "busy roads" is where we stay
Busy lives is just the way
How we live life today
Am I the only one afraid?
Chorus:
We're moving too fast and it's blinding us
The speed that we're in is just too quick for love
There's so many problems that we could fix
If stopping is all that we do in their midst
It's enough to feel
All the pain in the world that needs to be healed
If we just Stand Still
The love of God is in the streets
In the people that we meet
On the faces of the weak
We look and see God's strength
And are there any who will go
Forsaking lands and leaving homes
All so broken hearts may know that
God will mend their souls
We need to look around us
OKAY WAIT THIS IS EPIC.
jolena. says:
what's 1+1?
jim † says:
oh my gosh
TWO
(
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
9:45 PM )
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
me
jim
16 jul 92
belongs to God
bassist
guitarist
socceroo
fairsian
acsian
tagboard
link
Alastair
Alvin
Amanda
Annie
Aveline
Caleb
Charminn
Chermaine
Cheryl
Dawn
Denise
Esther
Glenn
Hannah
Jianwei
Joy
Jumana
Jun Xiong
June
Liyan
Nathanael
Qiying
Ralene
Russell
Serene
Sheila
Siti
Teegan
Tingfang
Wei En
Zhi Hua
archive
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
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September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
counter
I had my personal movie marathon today. I watched roap trip and funny people. maybe you all haven heard about them, cos they are American box office hits.
it has never been this way before, that movies made me stop and think about my own life. I was reading someone's blog and I really dunno whether I'm doing the right thing. I read about how that someone felt during the prayer walk on saturday; the person was saying how it brought about such a strong feeling to pray for campuses again. and then I thought, that sounded really familiar. I kept reading my previous blog post and i couldn't believe some of the things I wrote.
am I closing myself up? am I running away from reality? the movie funny people had a string and deep underlying meaning. I don't want to be alone, to have no friends, to be so superficial, to run away from dealing with problems. I read my belated birthday card, and someone left a msg saying I will always be loved. I thought about it and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it that someone always loved me, no matter what the season, though feelings change, I loooooooong for that unchanging and unfailing love, human love is so limited and powerless; it's just trying to fill up that God-shaped hole, and so many times, we expect it to fit, but it's never large enough. it's humane to feel such rotten feelings of insecurity. i hate this stench of insecurity. it's as if im a slave to myself and the way I feel.
GOD IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
(
Monday, August 10, 2009
9:06 PM )
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
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jim
16 jul 92
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counter
Grace for the weak
Strength for the weary
Hope for the hopeless
Light for the lost
Integrity for the hardworking
Tenacity for the quitters
Life for the dead
Truth for the deceieved
Righteousness for the sinner
Success for the failures
Honesty for the liars
Peace for the anxious
Patience for the impatient
Voice for the silent
Water for the thirsty
Food for the hungry
Healing for the disappointment
Friend for the lonely
Music for the deaf
Direction for the blind
Joy for the downhearted
Purpose for the depressed
Unity for the team
Health for the sick
Riches for the poor
Key for the locked door
Security for the insecure
Passion for the passive
Dancing for the sorrowful
Song for the mute
Shepherd for the sheep
Advice for those in agony
Freedom for the captives
Love for the broken
Salvation for everyone
JESUS.
(
Saturday, August 08, 2009
11:56 PM )
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
me
jim
16 jul 92
belongs to God
bassist
guitarist
socceroo
fairsian
acsian
tagboard
link
Alastair
Alvin
Amanda
Annie
Aveline
Caleb
Charminn
Chermaine
Cheryl
Dawn
Denise
Esther
Glenn
Hannah
Jianwei
Joy
Jumana
Jun Xiong
June
Liyan
Nathanael
Qiying
Ralene
Russell
Serene
Sheila
Siti
Teegan
Tingfang
Wei En
Zhi Hua
archive
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October 2009
November 2009
counter
"the reason why we wear armour infront is because we are meant to keep advancing. we're not meant to turn around and let our backs get hit. we're made to put on armour infront and to infiltrate. to advance"
this blog has been devoid of pictures and other interesting content, because both chrome and firefox arent treating me well.
( 10:10 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.
(
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
12:23 PM )
it's econs. the signal strenth is quite good. haha
founders day dinner was quite good. i don't mean the food, but I meant the company and the people who went. it was great seeing everyone as a class. the food was far too cheena to the point that almost every table had leftovers cos they didn't want to eat. it wasn't filling at all but oh well it was 45 bucks. all the teachers left around 9, then there was a stupid awkward row of tables with no one. then there was the rest of people from the classes of the 60s, 70s, or just about a class
from every decade. there was a joke karaoke machine, which is actually a super cheapskate for any forms of entertainment or performances.
life has been quite crazy this month. there are so many things going on. there's testimonial, tests, church stuff, God, assignments and homework, spa prac, memory verses and lts, GP common exam, soccer trainings, and Wendy leaving on the 28th. I kinda need to prioritise all over again. pray for me this month especially ok.